I am stuck in a song-and-dance mode and can't escape!!
This all started because Matt wanted to get back into my bf's pants. Their history together is long and convaluted and I won't bore you with the details, but it ended up that both sides were pressuring me to act as a buffer between them on Fridays.
So we started hanging out after the football games, going to Waffle House and such at 2 in the morning. It was pretty cool. And then Matt invited J to come along.
Freshman year I had the BIGGEST crush on J but as I was still chubby and wore glasses, so I never acted on it.
J then started saying to Matt how "cute" he thought I was and how he liked hanging out with me and the whole thing spiraled out of control into a he-said-she-said kinda deal.
Never in my life had any boy described me as cute (an indian with glasses? no thank you) so after an hour of nervous palpatations, I called him up last Saturday and asked him out to the movies.
AND BEING IT JUST MY LUCK it turned into a double dinner and a movie date between J, me, his best friend and his girl. The date was kind of awkward, to me anyway, I never know what to say and usually spend the whole time making stupid pop culture references and smoking.
So NOW when I see J in the halls and I can only smile and wave stupidly! Aargh! What is my deal /love/? How can I quit being the nerdy chick and keep it cool with J?
Tips, tricks and translations of male behavior greatly appreciated..
Here's a primer:
0)"Getting back into someone's pants" is a euphemism that implies that this Matt wants to have sex with J. If he's gay, give up, it's a waste of time.
1)Self-confidence is sexy. But not all guys find this attractive, some can find it emasculating. These types are usually not worth dating. Some guys find chubby girls with glasses sexy. Don't believe all of what fashion mags tell you - fetishes exist for a reason. Maybe he finds nerdy chicks interesting, who knows?
2)Lack of self-confidence could be cute, but it usually is incredibly unsexy, not to mention it gives people the impression of a needy emotional cling-on.
3)Guys are really very much like girls. Attention works easily. Pretend to find them interesting and laugh at their jokes, ask for their opinion, but don't smother them like you're obsessed. Basically, if you would like it, chances are he would too. Respect is everything.
4)He might really just think of you as a friend. Guys like having female friends, even if said female friends are traditionally considered "unattractive". It bolsters their fragile egos.
Basically, relationships that last for long periods of time don't usually happen spontaneously. People that only enter into an official one after an extended period of friendship tend to have longer lasting ones. Why don't you find out whether you both can be friends first? It's not going to go anywhere if you can't even feel natural around him. Nobody's having any fun if they feel an incessant obligation to be interesting and charming and witty all the time.
Wow. I like >>2's advice. I recommend taking it.
Yes, I too got confused by how you used "getting into his pants".
>>2
>>4
Aah, I meant that in the beginning it was just my best freind Mary(the bf you are all confused about), Matt and myself hanging out. Matt then added a fourth member to our party, who was J, but still wanted to get into Mary's pants.
Matt isn't gay...I think.
>>Guys are very much like girls.
Really? Then I guess I've been wrong by treating them as a entirely seperate species.
Thank you >>2 !
Guys are like girls? Where have I been?
I'll agree that 2's advice seems good. Guys do like attention. It's hard but being a nerdy girl isn't a bad thing but it sounds like you need the self confidence to ask him out again. Perhaps one of your friends can help, group dates are a lot easier to handle then single dates but sometimes harder to set up.
>>5
>>6
Ssh. It's a secret, but I'll explain:
Guys are fundamentally girls that have different expectations of them from society. Most of our differences come from nurture, although perhaps we differ a little in hormonal balance. (PMS is not a myth. Hormones are mood-altering drugs. Similiarly, Testosterone alters how guys think.)
Hence, if you remove this factor altogether, relationships are easy. Here's a simple thought exercise:
Classify how much of it falls under "Hormones thinking" and "You thinking". Let's say Romeo loves Juliet. Would Romeo still love Juliet if Juliet were male? Is he genuinely interested in her as a fun person to be with that he enjoys the company of? Romeo and Juliet were HIGHLY IRONIC by intention. They fell in "love" just moments after meeting each other and you could already tell it was going to lead to a sticky end, since Romeo only cares that Juliet is pretty, female and finds him attractive.
If you can't honestly answer "Yes, I would still love so-and-so if he was a gender I had no sexual attraction to", this is known as a crush. Erotic love is fine - we're human, after all, but don't expect it to last - This is why "People" magazine still makes money. Chocolate is a nice treat. Chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner gets tiresome.
If your can, what you have is love based on mutual respect. This might not be as gratifying (It could be compared to having a meal without dessert), but at least it'll give you someone to talk to twenty years down the line.
Neither form of love is more holy or sacred than the other, unless you value it to be.
>>5
OHHH. you meant bf as in best friend not boyfriend -_-
>>8
Yeah, I thought the same...
Is that a bad thing? Sorry, I was just trying to be facetious.
Just as an update, (and a huge thank you) I started paying more attention to him (saying hi in the halls, sitting with him at lunch and asked his help on some calculus) and lo and behold! He's going to show me some old films of his this weekend and we might go dancing tonight!
I'm so excited!
Thank you /love/!