Really, it is. It screws up your brain, the problem clearly lies within yourself rather than anything else, but you still can't stop thinking and regretting. Even though you know it's too late.
As you can probably guess, I got rejected recently. Confessed to a girl I was deeply in love with for quite a long time, and got friended.
I didn't expect that, or rather I didn't want to think about that possibility, so you can say I was not prepared for that.
And it hurts as hell. I used to talk with her about a lot of things, that now remind me of her. Forgetting her completely seems to be out of question, it would be like ripping a huge part of me out of myself.
The worst part is that it's all my fault, because I assumed I have a chance, yet what happened to me was inevitable - I was incapable of giving up on her, so it continued for way too long.
I can't imagine a past in which I wouldn't fall in love with her, and wouldn't get hurt later, except for one in which I would never have met her. This is why I now see love as something painful and not worth it.
I want to be able to talk with her again, and I think she wouldn't be against it, but first I have to stop loving her. I have to let go of the false hope I had for so much time that "being in love with her" has become a definition of "being me", and to start seeing her as just one of my friends.
Any ideas on how to get over my love?
I'm not sure what to say on how to get over her, really. I just wanted to say that I totally get what you mean. I was waiting for a chance to get with a friend for about a year, despite the fact that when I started really liking him, we were both already dating someone. Even when we were both finally single, I still got rejected, but I still persisted.
Then at some point, it felt like he was really falling in love with me... but it didn't last. So now I'm really trying to stop. But it is hard. After liking someone so much for so long, it feels weird to step back and try to get that feeling to go away. I still get jealous that he likes someone else now.. eh.
I wish you luck in getting over her, though. Unrequited love is really one of the worse things. It feels just awful.
same thing happened to me more than once. in the end, i figured that the both of us were mature enough to put the past behind us and just be friends again. it worked.
about getting over your love, it's simple; it's her loss. i know that's easier said than actually believed, but trust me man, you'll make it. the first girl i fell in love with...after she rejected me and made it clear we could never be together, i grieved for a year. every fucking thing reminded me of her. so what i did was i threw away everything i had that was connected to her in the slightest bit; pictures, convos, things i had made for her, etc. and threw her out of my life. it came to the point where i felt i was getting sick thinking about her. and in the end man, it's your own health you gotta think about. i wasn't gonna waste away grieving over my loss; i'm sure you wont either.
eventually, all my feelings for her dissipated, and i focused on becoming a better man for myself and for the girl that i know is waiting for me in the future.
I felt like this not too long ago.
we got really close, even made out but without telling me she got together with another guy, hurt like shit, for a month I was a wreck but I got over it.
Now when I look back at it I just feel stupid for the things I said and did.
You'll get over her. Then you'll feel silly. Then she won't matter a bit.
>>3
But... I don't want to ignore her or pretend she doesn't exist. If I really wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of her, there wouldn't be much left of my own life. And we have the same friends, things like that. I just want to change the way I think about her.
It's hard though. Very hard. Right now I don't see how I could ever meet anyone this great again, it's like my life has already ended, now I have nothing to live for.
Not that I want to kill myself, I just have this feeling everything good in my life is over, there is nothing to look forward to.
If you're interested in a girl, let her know asap you're interested. She decided them moment she met you if she was interested in you, and the longer you leave it, the less it gets. If she says no, you've wasted minimum time and can move onto the next one.
Do you really want a girl as a girlfriend who doesn't want you as a boyfriend? That seems doomed to failure
lol...the things you say op, all of them are exactly what went through my mind for a full year. Even now that I'm over her, I find myself getting frustrated when I see the same situation happen to others.
i know how it is man. the girl i fell in love with; she was perfect in every sense; pretty, funny, caring, and nerdy. the "impossible dream" lol. like you, i thought she would forever remain unrivaled.
you can call this blind hope. but there is a lady out there for you man, one that's worthy of you, one you're worthy for. at the moment, the pain is unbearable, i know. but being a man, you have to struggle through it. i dont know how long it will take you, but time and your own perseverance are what will mend your heart, even in the least bit. also, you dont have to necessarily erase her from your life, but you must come to terms with yourself that the relationship wasn't meant to be, though that's not to say that you can't still be good friends with her. it takes fucking guts to go out and confess to a girl man; you should be proud of yourself >=)
life is not over. you have a world to live for. fucking tear through it and show everyone the man you are, if not for yourself, then for the rest of us who would benefit from such courage. you have our support.
Love without reciprocation is just infatuation, a wise man once said (me).
Your feelings toward a person are either love or not love. Whether they reciprocate or not doesn't really affect what your own feelings are/were.
Making that kind of assumption, however, is a good way to soften the blow of rejection. "Oh, well. I guess it was just infatuation. No problem."
I've never had the taste of rejection, simply because I've never had the courage/daftness to put my feelings on the line. I've always been accustomed to be the one doing the declining, and I guess I've never really understood what it was like to be declined until recently. It was not explicitly said, but our relationship has changed to a much more formal one recently. Added to the fact that my instinct (which is almost always right) tells me that I was simply something to pass the time for him. I'm torn between loving and hating him. I hate him for giving me mixed signals all the time. Yet I can't help but admire his qualities and remember how enjoyable it used to be spending time with him. I want him to stop getting my hopes up as soon as I've decided to forget him. But if he stops, I will be sad as well.
Unconfessed love is a wonderful thing
You get a natural high from it without ever having to deal with rejection or a break-up.
When I was a a sophomore in high school, I had this big crush for someone, I felt that she liked me too but I ignored the feeling. After she left the country, she exerted effort to keep communication, unfortunately, at that time, I was fat and ugly so being insecure, I ignored her and got out of her life deliberately. Then later, I found out that she liked me a lot and we would've been a couple if I just said anything like i'm interested in her, but I didn't. When we were still communicating, she told me that she's eager to go home to meet me and hang out with me.
Fast forward.
8 years later, just a month ago. After logging out from the office, I was stunned to see her there, she was around to visit the country (she immigrated and became a citizen of the other country when she left). But then, I have a girlfriend now and i'm very happy with her and I love her very much. This girl was smiling at me too, I can feel that she lost all her interest in me, even if she smiled, I know that she hated me. I was so surprised that I could only smile like an idiot and answer a single question from her, said my goodbye and left to meet my friends. I forgot to say sorry.
But i'm glad she's happy now. It wouldn't make a difference if I talked to her about my feelings then, times have changed. We too, have changed - we became almost completely different from what we were before (our personalities). It's time to move on.
I really liked her though, I still like her. But that's just that, I love someone now and i'm planning to marry this next person, i'm just glad I got the confidence now.
I forgot courage, that would be confidence and courage.
Confidence and courage = additional chance to succeed in love.
>>11 is quite right.
I'm in a situation like this at the moment in fact. There is a girl I see every now and then at language school. She's a teacher in training, I'm a student (of the same language she's teaching, but not her class as such.) Every time I see / talk to the girl my head turns into mush, but I haven't been doing anything about it because I probably enjoy the feeling of being in love without saying anything about it.
However last week she discovered a social meet that we go to on a different night, and she asked whether anyone was allowed to go to it. So I guess I'll be seeing her there this week, and I'm currently in the frame of mind where I'm trying to decide whether to confess or not, or whether to just run away as it's easier. :-)
Having taken my chances the second time around, I've gained perspective.
It's better to pursue someone and subsequently be let down than to hold on that burden.
Even when it seems hopeless, it's refreshing just to be able to move on.
Thanks L
Reading my post now... wow, I can't believe this was two months ago.
I spent about 5-6 weeks thinking that I would just ignore my impulse. Around 2-3 weeks ago it got unbearable so I started looking for a right way to bring up the subject. Never really found one, but I worked out a strategy to invite her somewhere that wasn't a date, and through this I managed to confirm that she was indeed taken.
It's weird though, usually someone who has a partner will at least talk about them during conversation, yet she didn't, which reinforced my idea that she had to be single.
Alas, it wasn't the case.
But I managed to get out of my situation without having to actually ask her out, and avoiding all awkwardness. Of course, this is bad in its own way, but I'm glad it's over. Well, except in my head it isn't... it will take a couple of weeks to unwind all the fantasies.
>>1
I fell in love with a girl years ago, and since the beginning it was clear that it would never work. Still, every day after school I would hug my pillow and weep for reason no other than her being the most wonderful thing.
I tried to make the feeling go away by masturbating to fantasies of torturing and killing her. This went on for a long time. After five years, I told her about how I felt for her and she rejected me.
Currently, I am not sure anymore of whether or not she ever even existed in the first place. It is as if she has vanished into thin air, and luckily it seems that the feelings I had for her have done the same.
OP here. Three months have passed since >>1, maybe it helped me put some things into perspective... I'm not sure.
What happened later was - I agreed to "stay friends" with her as I didn't want to lose her completely. However, this didn't work out well. I was feeling extremely happy while taking to her, just because I was able to talk to her - and unbelievably sad every time we said goodbye, because I knew there was nothing for me to look forward to.
(I wrote a bit about it there, I'm OP of the "to get over?" thread if you want to look for it.)
After two months of that torture I finally brought myself to "cut her off". I wrote her a very long letter, describing exactly how I feel and how devastated I was feeling (I know it was a quite selfish thing to do, but I still wanted to let her know) and asked her not to talk with me again for some time. She understood.
I think I did the right thing. What was happening with me was only becoming worse. (I really don't want to become like >>17, "masturbating to fantasies of torturing and killing her", I also don't want to get suicidal, which may or may not be possible for me; and most of all I don't want to bother her anymore with my feelings - that letter should be the last thing I ever said to her about that.)
What I did was basically getting rid of the "feeling extremely happy while taking to her" part so that I can get used to the sadness. I still think about her most of the time - there's no way I could forget in just a few months - and I still have fantasies of her changing her mind (can't do anything about them...the slightest hope of her liking me was what kept me going for all this time, it isn't easy to kill - would there be a method for that?) - but I hope it will all fade away if I wait. I don't know for how long do I have to wait, though - some more months? Half a year? Years?...
(I don't think I will fall in love again anytime soon. You have to actually know some girls in the first place... And it sucks that when you act openly and don't try to hide your commitment, you're most likely to be viewed as a "nice guy" and "a friend".)
>>18
Sounds like limerence to me. I just learned about it a few days ago, actually, and I feel like I can ascribe all of my feelings of unrequited love to that one emotion.
I have a similar problem. I'm deeply in love with a man, but he's a total asshole, and I'm very shy. If I say anything to him regarding my emotions, he laughs at me, and it gets harder to talk to him about them again. I realize it's idiotic to be so attached to him, mentally, but emotionally it's very hard to pull myself away from him. I wish I had the strength to do what you did - but, then again, he's my good friend. I'm scared of feeling alone.
Good luck, whatever happens to you.
>Sounds like limerence to me.
Yeah, I read the article on Wikipedia some time ago, and it describes what I feel quite well. It's just a name, though.
>I wish I had the strength to do what you did
I think what I did was a sign of weakness, not strength, as I was unable to get over rejection. But I still believe it was the right thing for me to do.
First of all, you can't be friends with her..it's true, you have to get over her so DUMP her asap because....
Second, you are uber in love, so that love can turn into hatred quickly e.g. if you saw her with another guy or something like that.
Third, if you do feel hatred and you can't shake this feeling off, then HURT her in the worst way possible..leak naked pics of her, i don't know..something. That way, your hunger for retribution has been settled.
Fourth, If using Second & Third post there is a good possibility you will feel remorse and start the self destruction sequence...yup, getting fat, don't give a fuck, drinking etc etc..
Fifth, CHOOSE The first..seriously , get over her!
> leak naked pics of her
Not cool, I personally thinks it's more chivalrous just to pop her in the chin.
i'm in this kind of situation with a friend. i suppose it'd be a good idea to try and cut him out of my life as >>1 did, but that'd mean losing all my current friends (because they're all friends with him as well). so, i don't really want to do that. hmm.
yeah.
i love him. i cant have him. :(
read my post, youll see.
i feel your pain bub. x
What the fuck.
I still have fantasies of her - her changing her mind, us becoming a couple. I know it's never going to happen, it's stupid, it's wrong, it's slowly destroying me. But I can't stop myself, and it doesn't look like it will just go away if I don't do anything.
It's as if my mind didn't recognize the truth. My brain is so screwed up...argh!
If you have any experience with that, please help. Sorry for this becoming so blog-ish, I wanted say it somewhere.
>>25
I think you're on the right path, keeping your distance from her.
Getting rid of photos or anything else that reminds you of her will help.
I do have experience with that, but I'm so emotionally numb these days I can't remember how I'd ever gotten myself into it, let alone how I got over it.
Only thing I can recommend is time and separation.
Any time I think I've gotten over my last one, I have a dream which brings it all back again. Dreams can be so cruel sometimes.
>>27
I have that same exact problem. when i'm awake i think i've gotten over her then I get one of those dreams out of the blue and i wake up and realize I haven't made any progress at all T_T
move on damn ass, i've been in your shoe once. it may be difficult at first but the only way to cope with it is to move forward.. i do sometimes have regrets and whatnot but think about the time, effort and hardships you've gone through all for naught. cut yourself some slack, you deserve someone better.
>>1
short answer, theres nothing you can do.
long answer? i guess the last thing you probably want to hear is 'get over it' because theres no get-over-it button to push. but believe it or not, you will in time. ive been there more than once.
you may never completely get over it depending on how far youve fallen for her, or how strong your friendship remains, but thats life. theres little you can do but move on and find someone else to set your sights on.
if you were only interested in her romantically, do yourself a favor and discontinue the friendship. dont hold onto false hope. if she was a good friend that you happened to fall in love with, stay friends, but dont expect that feeling of regret to ever go away completely.
most importantly, dont cling to false hope and dont become desperate. there is nothing less attractive. if theres any chance at all that she may see you in a different light one day, it wont come if you grovel at her feet.
ah man we've all been there. just gotta try and close the door on it.
I can't ever let go. I keep a catalogue of my failures, not intentionally but automatically. I mean I eventually deal with the fact that the love will never be reciprocated, but I don't stop loving them. If any of them came back and confessed to me now (which wouldn't happen) I would instantly accept.
The only real problem with this is that it does cause some degree of trauma to love multiple people at the same time. For me, anyway. But it's a problem I haven't been able to remedy myself and I'm too proud to see a therapist.
Another way to say "unrequited love" is "I am obsessed with a woman who does not love me".
Being poetic about it is only further cementing your denial and encouraging you to dwell in a pointless fantasy world.
If you can't be friends with a chick without physically possessing her, like "all or nothing" or some shit, then what you have there isn't really love, but a weird, twisted lustful obsession.
And you need to get over it.
Seriously.
>>33
Seconded on everything but "isn't really love".
It's may be sad and weird and twisted and obsessive, but just because it's not reciprocated doesn't mean it's not the same emotional state as love.
OK, I'll play your silly little pedantic game.
If it were truly love, then it would also entail respect and a true admiration for the other individual. That being the case one cold get over the desire to "possess" this person and maintain a healthy friendship.
Your allowance for sad, weird, twisted and obsessive "love" basically denies the person that is the object of the emotion, and turns them into an object itself, much the same way that I "love" Keira Knightley's tits, or these peanuts I'm eating.
>>35
Tell me in any "normal" love relationship there is no possession (even if it is a mutual possession) of the other one.
And being in love also instills doubt and jealousy, wether the love is reciprocated or not. Even if when it is not, you should feel the need to reject these 'negative' feelings, because you are "not allowed" to feel them, doesn't mean they'll never exist in the first place.
If you really admire and respect the other person, and get over that desire to possess/be possessed, and maintain a healthy friendship with that other person, doesn't mean your heart won't itch a little when you see him/her with someone he/she loves.
Or maybe after years and years, and yourself have found another one.
And I'm not saying you shouldn't fight this feeling either.
I have to say, in silly pedantic games you totally rule,...
Since when does "true love" means you can rationally manage your feelings?
>>37
I'm not >>35, but I can answer that one. It doesn't mean that. But it doesn't mean, either, that you can't handle them with enough willpower. Of course, it won't work all day long, you'll have some nasty moments of sadness, loathing, plain confusion or whatever - but still, you can handle your feelings if not "rationally manage".
And I'm not saying this goes without suffering, either. At least at the beginning.
I'm >>37, and I totally agree with you,... Let's just keep in mind that "love" is by default irrational, and something that you endure like rain rather than produce like tomatoes in the garden.
Implying that love is a selfless apreciation of the other is like calling rain falling on your garden a nice shower and the one which wets you on the road a bad downpour.
It's not because your feelings move you into the positive or negative moral spectrum that they become "true" or "fake". And to have the willpower to steer yourself despite your feelings does not turn them into "true feelings". It just means that you have enough willpower to resist them.
>Since when does "true love" means you can rationally manage your feelings?
Since you grew the fuck up and stopped acting like a fucking child.
>Let's just keep in mind that "love" is by default irrational, and something that you endure like rain rather than produce like tomatoes in the garden.
If you think that love is irrational then I don't believe you have examined the concept closely. Love is not a disease that afflicts you against your will. It's not something you have to endure. That is something else entirely, and I think you're confused.
Love is most definitely cultivated. It takes experience, understanding, friendship, all that jazz. It grows over time, and needs to be tended and cared for. And it doesn't necessarily include a physical attraction. Or a mutual one anyway. What I am saying is that the rational human will separate the two when they are no compatible, and carry on with the friendship. If you can't, then I would hardly call that love, seeing as how it couldn't stand up to denial of sex.
I have several good friends who are female, whom I love dearly. The sexual attraction didn't pan out, and instead of beating my breast and freaking out because they won't fuck me, I appreciate them as people instead of sex objects. I would hate to have thrown their friendships away over something so trivial as a lustful obsession. That would have made me a huge tool. I'm look at YOU >>1
>>40
Affection, infatuation, romantic love caries with it the desire to care for someone in ways that friends don't. Sex is a part of this, but believe it or not, you are the first one in this thread to bring it up!.
There is no switch to love on and off, but it fades away with time or cruelty.
There is no magical umbilical cord connecting two people who are in love, their emotional states are independent of each other.
Lust is obviously much easier to deny, and is a separate but not mutually exclusive thing.
Attachment, admiration, friendship, kinship are all separate emotional experiences.
The love you feel for your mother is quite different than the love you feel for your lover.
Unless you're a friend of Freud.
> It grows over time, and needs to be tended and cared for.
Who's to say it isn't?
When a man or woman refuses to move on after rejection, they may interpret the other person's behaviour in the wrong light, or retreat to that old fantasy where they win reciprocation, and the happiness they expect to come with it.
Even if the lovesick fool doesn't even know the object of affection, they can still fall in love with the idea of a person.
History and literature are full of this kind of shit.
> the rational human
Humans are not rational.
I'd like to see you rationally manage yourself when you walk in on your "true love" fucking your best friend.
Infatuation is not love. That is one of my main points.
Maybe I'm the first person to specifically mention sex, but that IS what we're talking about. Otherwise, why the confessions, the obsessions? Why not just remain the bestest friends ever without all the longing and anxiety and remorse?
Humans ARE rational. They experience moments of irrationality.
>I'd like to see you rationally manage yourself when you walk in on your "true love" fucking your best friend.
Anger happens. Followed by sadness. This is where most of the people ITT would probably stop, writing brooding sonnets and whining to people on 4-Ch about it.
What separates me and the people mooning over "unrequited love" IS rationality. If we were in preschool, the "unrequited love" people would be off in the corner trying to stick a square peg in a round hole (remember those toys?).
>>42
Tenderness, access to remote parts of the mind, hidden secrets, expectations, anguish...
It's a different bind between lovers and between friends.
I'm not saying that sex is NOT an issue, but it's NOT the only thing we're talking about.
Remember that when you're old, looks and sex are not what will make your relationship carry on...
>>42
Infatuation is a part of love. Of course, you didn't even use that word. You used "weird, twisted lustful obsession"
Lust is a feeling in the crotch which no one over fourteen could confuse with love. I make the assumption that >>1 is mature enough to know this. Otherwise I have no reason to post here.
> but that IS what we're talking about.
No, you've made an assumption which is most likely based on your own personality, life experiences and the people you surround yourself with.
> Otherwise, why the confessions, the obsessions?
Exactly because it's not all about sex. It's about wanting validation, to be loved back, intimacy. Friends don't do that just like they don't fuck on a bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. (In most arrangements, anyway)
> Anger happens. Followed by sadness.
Why? Do you wish to possess you lover's genitals? Those are his genitals. Possession is wrong and sick.
> Humans ARE rational.
A calculator is rational. It's driven by logic and concrete answers.
A human is driven by instincts, desires and brain chemistry, not rationality.
> What separates me and the people mooning over "unrequited love" IS rationality.
Maybe, I don't know you. But humans are not rational, and never have been.
Long argument short, let's just check with >>1.
> the problem clearly lies within yourself rather than anything else,
> I have to let go of the false hope I had for so much time...and to start seeing her as just one of my friends.
> Any ideas on how to get over my love?
Well, what do you know!
Your 'get over it' spiel was entirely unhelpful and unnecessary. Do you want to contribute or just troll further?
Seriously.
I am contributing. I am confronting the unhelpful and pathetic ideas that:
Believing in any of those things is just going to cause you to wallow in self pity and despair forever. I may be taking a harsh tone with some of the posters here, but it is because I believe they need a wake up call. I'm not going to give >>1 a list of things to DO to help him, I'm trying to provide him with the proper frame of mind to find the things he needs to do for himself.
And that's NOT going to come by stroking his ego and telling him that he's not in control of himself and these things just can't be helped.
So go fuck yourself >>44.
>>45
Well fuck you, too, but unfortunately you really haven't contributed anything but a long troll.
You could tell him that love is hopeless, the girl he's after is a worthless cunt for spurning him, and the only worth women have are as semen disposal units.
That would provide a good frame of mind for getting over it.
Unfortunately it's still wrong and doesn't contain any actual advice.
> the problem clearly lies within yourself rather than anything else,
> I have to let go of the false hope I had for so much time...and to start seeing her as just one of my friends.
snip
> problem lies within yourself
> false hope
He already knows that he's obsessing and has to get over it.
And humans are still not rational.
You are more than useless.
ITT we call anyone who doesn't agree with us and hurts our feelings a troll
LOL
>>47
Ouch that hurt.
Well, not really.
Troll.
What? "Lustful obsession"? Just because I can't just forget her in an instant and move on?
While I agree that fantasizing for several years about fucking someone WOULD be something sick and twisted, that's not what I did. Believe me or not, I didn't think much about sex.
And I don't know, maybe that would've helped me, but I refuse to disqualify what I was feeling as just a "twisted obsession". I can't define love, but I believe that's what I was (am?) feeling.
And the desire to hug closely the person whenever you see them, to hold and never let go, to tell them about everything you find interesting and beautiful, to help whenever they're in trouble, to smile at them and be smiled back at, to let them know they're special and to be special to them... I believe it's something more than a friendship.
Thus said, I still think love is a terrible mental disorder, dangerous and hard to cure.
Maybe someday I'll be cured. I already did everything I could, now I can only wait.
(Or write pointless posts at anonymous message board. Well, thanks for sharing your opinions.)
easy...go out and make new friends...explore...or rant some more here. If you keep being by yourself and thinking up things over and over again, you'll end up wanting her back again. Trust me...that's me with my girlfriend...and we've broke up three times...in three years!!
This thread is why I wish I could meet new people more often. I find myself dwelling on some woman I have no chance with, because I have no better prospects, and no faith in my ability to meet other people.
But, it's easier said than done.