I think the title pretty much explains itself. I'm interested in one of my male friends and he's made it clear that he may be interested too. We haven't really discussed dating yet - between the two of us or with other people. I know that the traditional thing would be to wait until he decides to ask me out, if he even will. I fear that taking the initiative might come off as to strong and be off-putting. In addition to that, both he and I are pretty traditional people in regards to gender roles.
not inappropriate
Any man who is put off by a woman who speaks her mind is probably not the type who would be good in a relationship. I think asking him out is a fine idea.
I think you'd make his day.
It's a turn-on for me too.
if i liked a girl and was too shy to do anything about it, having her ask ME out would probably be the best day of my life. because then i wouldnt feel so defensless and shy about the whole thing, knowing that she too feels the same way.
speaking as a guy...
WE LIKE IT!
Awww, worried about rejection? Welcome to the men's world, where we face rejection at every step.
You can ask him out, but avoid using the word "date" or "going out", though it should still feel like one. Make sure it's you and him and you do something you both enjoy. The point is, you want him to realize it's a date without explicitly calling it a date.
At the end, kiss him. A quick peck on the lips. But pull away only an inch. If he comes back for more, BULLSEYE! If not, well he may be nervous or moving at his own pace. Update us.
>>1
I'd say to go for it only because we have to do it all the time ourselves, and would KILL to have a girl do the asking out for once.
I was going to say that girls have asked me out before, but then I realized it never happened - it has always been indirect, through friends. Well, I didn't say yes to any of them, but that's a totally different story.
If a girl I liked asked me out... oh god, that'd be pure awesomeness. Trust us, be you conventional in the gender roles or not, a girl asking a guy out (preferably in a shy/cute manner) is just really really touching.
And if you wonder about that because you fear rejection, as >>10 said... welcome to our world.
Do it.
> you want him to realize it's a date without explicitly calling it a date.
> preferably in a shy/cute manner
As for me, if she is bold enough to just grab my crotch and command me to buy her dinner, that is fine too.
I might be a little shocked if I wasn't expecting it, but I wouldn't be turned off, that's for sure.
>>12
Yeah, you're right.
But if you don't like the girl, that might get really awkward, though. Although it might just give her the edge for you to actually consider it, when you think about it.
>>1
When the time is ripe, be bold and go for it. I'll stand by you.
I thought that the reason girls don't ask guys out is because of biology. That's kind of how it works in nature.
Most guys I know, including myself, will give you SO MANY points for doing this. So many that, even if we say "no", we won't be cruel about it, and will talk highly of you to our friends.
But it's not guys you're afraid of, is it? It's your status among other women. Because women hate women, and most social grooming amongst women is really just a search for weaknesses. And asking a guy out might earn you the dreaded slut stigma! Most of the stuff women do that men don't like, is because of the influence of other women. So, ask the guy out, but don't tell your friends you did so. Make sure they're not around when you ask him, and make sure they're not around when you go on the date.
No, not at all.
Go for it, if you have enough confidence.
I much prefer it if girls ask me out because I'm a spineless faggot who would never summon the courage to do it myself.
I much prefer it if girls ask me out because that's what I find attractive.
It's not inappropriate,... and it actually improves your chances of going out with the person you whish, so why not?
Now, like all people who decide to take the first step, you should mind the following:
Don't start out by confessing to him. This is often problematic, because unless he by luck is already attracted to you, it's unlikely that he'll answear in a way that is satisfying to you.
A much better approach is to get to know him better, organize activities together, get to know him even better, and use that knowledge to develop activities that are basically unofficial dates. By then you should have a pretty good idea on whether he's interested in you, and you can make the first official move.
As a guy, if I received an actual confession I would probably blush and fidget. If I remotely liked the girl I would probably hug the girl so that I didn't fall over. If I didn't, I would apologise. If I wasn't sure, then I would say I'm not sure but that dating is okay in order to find out for sure.
But I think I hold confessions in high regard due to watching too much teen romance. It seems like confessions are acceptable in high school but as soon as you're out it doesn't happen anymore. It happened only once to me in school anyway, but the girl used a proxy to confess and I find that really unattractive even though she would have otherwise had a good chance.
OP here,
Thanks for all of your advice. I really appreciate it.
After taking your suggestions into consideration, I was seriously considering asking him out, despite my reservations. However, he's been acting really weird recently - mean, even. I know he (and some of his friends) have started taking shots at me to my face/behind my back. I'm kind of a shy, introverted person to begin with and I don't think I can summon the courage to do it now, even if I thought I could before. :( This kind of sucks. Thanks anyway, 4-ch.
>>24
Taking shots at you? Please explain. How is he mean? Are you sure they are not joking around as guys would with their friends?
Me and mah boys "take shots" at eachother all the time, and laugh. It isn't hard to tell the difference between trying to be mean and just kidding, but I've noticed that girls sometimes have difficulties to understand this kind of bonding. So I don't know.
Perhaps he likes you and want to seem cool about it in front of his friends, so he jokes about you. I think it's sort of the same thing that make male friends pull mean jokes about eachother rather than saying nice things. It's kind of embarassing to be kind and loving for some reason, so it's easier to say stupid shit and know you have a connection when you can be okay with it and laugh, instead of taking offense.
>>25
Like I said, I'm introverted. I don't really like 'paling around' with people who I don't know well. He's the opposite; he likes hanging out with a lot of people at one time, and generally expects me to be comfortable in these situations.
He'll do weird things in these situations like tell his friends to tell me I'm cute (lolwut?), or joke that I'm crazy for being shy and a nerd. Maybe it's incorrect of me to interpret this as him making fun of me, but my gut reaction is to think that. He recently started being rude to me outside of group settings, too, like telling me to shut up in the middle of normal conversations.
Well,... If he's being rude to you, then I think you should forget about him. There needs to be some basic respect in a relationship.
Still, why don't you ask him upfront (when there is only the two of you) what does he think he's doing.
>>26
Again, I know I've been rude in situations when I don't feel comfortable. Him hanging with lots of friends and stuff doesn't mean he isn't shy at the core; and seriously, I've said things I didn't mean to say (on a tone I didn't mean to use) to girls, when I felt something I couldn't control. Not that I don't regret it.
tl;dr: him being a bit rude with you may just mean he doesn't handle his feelings really well and is too shy. Don't overinterprete things, just try it. You'll see.
tl;dr, but when I'm rude to chicks it's because I find them horribly repulsive and wish to hurt them.
>>26
Yeah, like >>28 said, some people just aren't good expressing their feelings, and they start getting a bit nervous, trying to control the uncomfortableness in front of the other guys maybe.
Ask him specifically though. There are tons of stories where a girl mininterprets a guy's awkward actions; or the guy is good, but is too dense to take any hints. I know from my friends with boyfriends (or would-be) that guys don't really tend to pick up on hints girls drop (And actually, I didn't see those hints coming either >_>)...
I'm like you as well, where I'm completely introverted, so I understand the feeling that others are making fun of you. Usually, though, it doesn't turn out that way, so get the answer straight from him.
To >>1:
I can tell you through experience that it's ok to be the one on the clock...it's never "a guy has to ask a girl out." When I was a senior in high school, I had a huge liking for a girl that kinda didn't like me for a year. After a while, however, she was kind to me, talked to me on the phone for hours...and became fast friends...
However, when we were at a club meeting one day...her friend wanted to hang out with her. Earlier, the girl I liked "promised" me to hang out with me at lunch. Apparently, her friend had other ideas. For me...I was so upset that I flipped her off (yea...I flipped da bird), swore at her, and walked away...almost crying...
When I was at home...i thought our friendship ended. Yet, when she called me at 9:30 in the evening, she read to me a letter that changed our lives... It was a nice, simple letter...aplogizing for that day and ignoring me...until I heard these words...
"Man...I Love You"
Since then...we've been going out for about 3 1/2 years. Yea...we might have arguments here and there (and had three break ups...), but I believe that if she didn't said those words...I don't know if I had the courage to say it to her.
Nevertheless...for love to happen...at least ONE person has to express interest to the other...to show that you don't want to be with anyone else but THAT PERSON.
Even if he is opposite to you...show that you care about him...be true to yourself and to him. Only then you will know whether he'll love you back or not.
P.S. My girlfriend is A COMPLETE OPPOSITE to me
>>15
No, it's not the "slut stigma", that's different.
It's because women fear rejection more then men. It tastes bad.
I've asked a guy out before. it actually worked really well. I say go for it. I know it's tough to build up the courage (took me months) but it's worth it in the end
>>32
Finally the cat is out of the bag.
It's hard to know what kind of a friend he is by this.
It's possible that this guy is like me. I'm a guy who's very ineffective at picking up or asking out women. I've learned to mask my spinelessness as aloofness. If there's a really cute girl in our group, the kind who's way out of my league, I might make snipes at her or give her the stink eye just to prove to myself that I'm not under her spell. This is probably unfair, and probably why I'm alone. Not that I'd have a chance with these types, but when other women see me behave this way, it doesn't make them feel good either. How are any of them to know that I'd respond favorably if they asked me out? Even I'm not so sure I'd lower the shields.
But you say that he does weird things like have friends say things to you that he pretends not to mean later, and this could easily be some jerkoff playing high school games on you. And that's even worse, because he doesn't care about you. Worse than rejecting you, he might just be trying to alpha-male you into going to bed with him, and might already have other women in the rotation. If you have the wherewithal to detect this type of guy and avoid him -- and a lot of women don't -- then you're better off.
>>32
Women fear rejection more than men? What do women have to lose that men don't? I'd love to hear a woman's worst rejection story versus a man's worst rejection story.
men dont like getting rejected either. it sucks!
i wish a woman asked me out. even if i didnt like her, i would still think it was cute.
>>35
OP here (again)
It's funny that you bring up the 'alpha-male' thing, because he's not at all like that in a private setting. He has told me a lot of private things before (his fears, his failings, things that upset him) that you wouldn't expect out of someone who would fit that stereotype. It's completely different in front of his friends though. I think that might be attributed to the fact that he's physically small (he's asian), so he feels the need to make up for that in his personality - which includes pushing people around. I guess that solidifies his position in the 'social hierarchy,' so to speak, since he can't beat people with fists.
Pretty sure it isn't the first scenario. I'm average looking and (I believe) I'm approachable, so...
>>Women fear rejection more than men? What do women have to lose that men don't? I'd love to hear a woman's worst rejection story versus a man's worst rejection story.
I believe rejection is equally scary for both sexes. I know men tend to build themselves up mentally until they're ready to ask a girl out - women do that too. Many people claim that women have more power in the romantic/dating arena than men, ex: it has been said that a woman just has to be be fairly attractive to have her pick of men. Following that line of thought, if a woman is then rejected by a man, what does that say about her?
>Many people claim that women have more power in the romantic/dating arena than men, ex: it has been said that a woman just has to be be fairly attractive to have her pick of men.
I think it's true that an attractive woman won't have difficulties in getting the interest of men, the most difficult part is to keep this interest on the long run.
That was the tragedy of Marylin Monroe, and no one can say she was disadvantage with respect to looks,...
It's my experience that women who take the initiative fare better than those who wait for things to happen. Nevertheless, one has to take into account the cultural bias which frowns upon women taking the initiative. They should do it, but not in a too pushy or obvious way.
> I think it's true that an attractive woman won't have difficulties in getting the interest of men, the most difficult part is to keep this interest on the long run.
The trick is not to stop putting out.
Personal Experience: Male friend of mine, we had a small crush on each other early on in school but it fizzled. Few years later it happens again, a sort of re-spark of whatever was left. This time, an opportunity. There was an event at school I had to attend, and what would be better than to ask him to go, as friends, with a bunch of other "as friends" couples, right? It was intimidating, but other girls were in similar situations and that helped me get through it.
The event went fantastically, but in the days after he became incredibly big-headed and actually brought his ex-gf to sit before me and my friends, and the proceed to nipped at her shoulders while all of us watched (ew). Most disturbing, he stared at me over her shoulder, sort of smiling some twisted little smile. And he started various similar things, a LOT. What the hell?
So the only good thing about me asking him to go the event was that afterwards I realised he's a nut-ass.
Honestly as a older gentleman I would say that any lady with the guts to ask a guy out is a rarity indeed. Few women these days at least here in the western world (as convoluted and egocentric as it is) dare for such a bold approach. So my advise to you is if you truly like the guy go for it, the worst he can say is no and you will know either way.