About two years ago I had the love of my life. After a whole life of abusive relationships I met the one girl who cared for me properly and didn't yell at me or abuse me.
I was happy, and I mean really happy all the time. I'd go to her house all the time and watch anime with her and cuddle with her and we would kiss and everything was right in the world. We never had full on sex because we wanted to wait, but even when we just fooled around I felt more passion with her than I have ever felt in my entire life.
One day she started distancing herself and it scared me to death. She was my everything, my whole life in one person. To make a long story short, she pretty much broke up with me because she wanted to experiment fooling around with other girls, and I've held a grudge against gay people ever since for that. I was so hurt that for the first time in our two years of going out I yelled at her. I called her a monster for leading me on for so long because she had been planning this breakup for MONTHS and yet she'd still fool around with me all the time, mostly starting it herself because it didn't feel right for me anymore. I was totally used. I was so desperate for affection that she no longer gave I let her touch me...
Then about half a year later she calls me drunk and threatening me and I was so afraid. I still loved her then and I still love her now. This made me hate her more than anybody else.
Every night I lay awake not so much missing her, but missing someone to hold me and take care of me. I've had such a horrible life and she was my escape from everything I hated so much. My friends treated me horribly so I just quit speaking to them all. This is a story in itself I don't need to go into. They weren't real friends.
I cry myself to sleep every single night now, and the only way I can get to sleep is if I close my eyes and imagine this beautiful woman I'm resting on who's looking down at me telling me everything will be alright and that I don't have to cry anymore.
I just don't know how to get through life alone like this. I have no friends and nobody to love me.