Gaining Experience (7)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-21 21:01 ID:abUS8u0A

So here's my story. The meat of it happened over the last two months, and it's less asking for advice as it is just wanting to write about it. But suggestions are welcome.

So last fall I met a girl. She was attractive and everything, but that's all she was to me. A slim white girl, president of our school's Japanese club, and about as a-typical as a leader of that sort of club could be. Aside from her being cute though, there wasn't much other attraction. I had never had a relationship and was into older women (she's almost four years younger than me, at least she was also born in the 80s), and she seemed to be pretty good friends with my former best friend, who pulled off the most massive cockblock imaginable. Thusly, I assumed any girl hanging around a manwhore like that should be avoided at all costs.

So fast forward to near the end of May. She and I at least talk to each other at this point, and I've found out that while she doesn't hate former best friend, she's not a fanboy groupie like I'd thought. During the last week of May, she, myself, and the anime club president (a scrawny half-Korean guy who might be straight, but super feminine at thesame time) end up hanging out a lot, planning several join club activities, as well as the club's plans for the local comic con. Oddly, she and I seem to start getting along pretty well. Later that week, I question her as to why she isn't hanging out with her boyfriend more (a completely different guy), and she says it's probably going to end soon. So the next day we do club stuff at the comic con (this ain't San Diego or even Emerald City sized), and then head out to another friends place with all the club members and play an odd game of truth or dare/spin the bottle. Up to this point, we all knew (except the girl) that the anime club president had a huge thing for her, which gets dragged out into the open that night. At one point, she's forced to reveal that she's not romantically interested in anyone in the group. Anime club president is pretty much forced to reveal all his fantasies about her, and he's pretty torn up. Meanwhile, she and I continue to get along great.

So over the next week, the first week of June, the last week of class before finals, we end up hanging out a lot and talking, etc. She also breaks up with her boyfriend then too. Now at this point, I'm really into her. Even though she's only 20 and I'm almost 24, and a Japanese-American guy who never had much interest in white girls, and had never even been on a date before, I really like her. I decide though, to not say anything. I figure it's better to just be friends with her, as both of us are coming to trust each other on a rather deep level, and she did say she's not into anyone in our circle of friends (which essentially consists of a bunch of 20 year olds and one old and bitter guy, me). Korean-American guy and I talk and I realize he's really into her, and I resolve to find out if she really is interested. At the end of the week there's a one night rafting trip sponsored by the school, which Korean dude and the girl both go on. I meet them the next night (other activity at the school that day) when they get back. He tells me that she sleep-flirted with him, although I'm not so sure. We all hang out until late, and she and I end up talking about random shit for a while.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-21 21:02 ID:abUS8u0A

The next day, she and I head out in the afternoon to find a spot for the join Anime-Japanese Club Picnic/BBQ. We drive all over the city, at one point finding an awesome scenic overlook of the city. Later we pick up Korean guy after he gets off work and pick up supplies for the BBQ. After we drop him back off at his place, it's about 11, and we start to head back to her place. I ask if she wants to head out to the scenic overlook again, and she says she wants to. We get out there and spend the next two hours just talking about everything. Mainly romantic stuff, my lack of experience, her rather extensive expereince (despite the age gap), who I'm interested in, that sort of thing. At one point a car drives by, and we start joking about voyers and stalkers, and I call out, as they're passing "hey, there's nothing going on here- yet!". She just looks at me and says "Yet?" And then for the rest of the time we're up there, she periodically says "yet?" or "nothing's happened..." I think at some point I figure out what she's hinting at, but as I'm denser than a rock, it doesn't completely register. Finally we head back to her dorm nearby (she was finishing up a stint as an RA at a US branch campus of a Japanese woman's university). On the way, I find out that the sleep-flirting was just a misunderstanding on the part of the Korean guy, and that while she thinks he's kinda cute, he's too feminine and just a bit (not too much) too skinny for her to date. Side Note: I'm on the bigger side myself. About 5'8" and about 195, working out to go down. A lot.

So we get to her dorm and as we're parked, she says "you know, 'yet' never happened..." And as she's getting out I start to say "yet doesn't to happen now, it could happen in the future-" and as I'm saying this she gets back in the car and kisses me. Yeah. First kiss. Just sort of happened. Went on for maybe five minutes. It was... Amazing. I was at a point in my life where I thought it would never happen, or at least not happen for a while. And then it came out of nowhere. As she finished, she got out and smilied and said "you should've done that a long time ago". Needless to say... I was in shock. I head home, wondering just what was going on. She also texts me saying I wasn't too bad a kisser for my first time, that we would have had more fun if I'd made a move a couple hours earlier, and that next time, I had to be the instigater.

The next day we meet up after our classes, head out and grab lunch, and just drive around for a while. We eventually end up at the same place we were the night before, and walk around for a while. I make a move and we spent the next few hours... "Arm wrestling", for lack of a better term. At one point, I question her on whether she'd been lying the week before about not being interested in anyone, or if this thing with me was "more recent". She smiled and said "this is more recent". So things go pretty well, although the next day, Tuesday, she does point out that she's not taking the whole physical thing seriously, that she doesn't want another serious relationship for a while. This isn't so bad, nothing wrong with friends with benefits. I also asked a number of people I knew (not people in our circle, the old friends, the close ones from the past, the smart ones) if non-serious relationships were okay for your first one. The response was overwhelmingly positive, the "agreement" everyone separately came to was that it's good way to gain experience and not get hurt. And the girl even told me that even when our fling ended, we'd still be friends "I'm not going to let you off that easily". So the rest of the week goes fine.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-21 21:03 ID:abUS8u0A

Then the next Sunday she tells me that Korean guy, who she rejected over Facebook earlier in the week (sort of her second time rejecting him after the truth or dare thing) had kissed her the night before when he'd dropped her off after our club picnic thing. She wasn't happy about it, and resolved to reject him again. She also confirmed with me that her and my thing wasn't serious or anything. She also said that she felt like she couldn't date him or do anything with him because she couldn't be friends with him afterwards. I wasn't happy about the guy doing those things, but I figured he'd get the point. I even warned him that he was going to get burned if he kept on trying. Several times. So over the next week and a half she and I have fun together. We never actually get to sex (got close enough though, she mainly wanted me to be ready for it), but still... Everything that happened was amazing. Then I left for a week. Went to California for a family reunion I didn't actually have to go to. And that's where things changed.

I got back, and while she was happy to see me again, she said that while I was gone, Korean guy had kissed her. And it went further than that, though it didn't get to the point of sex. She said she was going to talk to him again (and yes, after this 4th time she finally did get the message through). She also stated that she wasn't happy that she'd gone along with his advances. And then she said she wanted to end the benefits portion of our friendship (which none of these people in our circle knew about, just for the record). She said she didn't want to deal with relationships for a while, but also pretty much told me bluntly that things between her and I could start up again, eventually. I talked to her sister, who said that if I took things slow, they would work out well for me. And finally, the girl told me directly that I'd become one of her best friends over the last month, and that she didn't want that to change. So overall, not so bad, although losing the benefits was pretty depressing.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-21 21:17 ID:abUS8u0A

...And then, another bombshell hit, as a few days later, she started dating a guy (not the korean one) she'd previously said was a good friend, but one she'd never date. And she clearly felt bad about hurting me like that. We're still friends though. She seems constantly concerned if I'm upset about how things have gone. Her sister is fairly sure the relationship won't last that long, and afterwards, she may try to rebound with me again. At that point, the sister says, I'll need to try to make that into a relationship. Apparently I'm different than the guys she's dated, which puts me in a completely different position. So at this point, I'm sort of in a "what to do about that" mode.

Anyway, that's where things are now. She and I are great friends at least, and I can trust her with anything and vice versa. For better or worse I at least have some experience now, and my confidence levels (zero before this whole thing) are up slightly. I don't know what's going to happen, and I really don't know if I should consider letting the rebound happen again. But that's in the future. At least this whole thing happened at all.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-22 07:17 ID:dQ3sjuKy

Interesting stuff; sounds like you went through a change in lifestyle. It seems like she thinks of you as a potential "more-than-friend", but not ... "very like" maybe. It's tough to discern her feelings about you, considering how urgent she seemed to progress the relationship between you two, yet end up stopping that progression short. Then she goes and dates another man. Maybe she started to feel like she lost her romantic feelings for you?

Also, it's important to know how you truly feel about her. This may take a bit of soul searching - if it's not yet truly kindled - or it could be an obvious answer. If you do find you like her enough that you're not willing to let her go, definately go after her. You've already had a "more-than-friends" relationship, so it could very well end up successfully.

It's not worth the regret if you don't act on your feelings.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-23 00:55 ID:abUS8u0A

Yeah, we'll see how things go. I probably have a decent amount of time to decide what to do next, but at least this isn't the sort thing that consumes a guy and leaves him as a shell afterwards.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-23 01:42 ID:dQ3sjuKy

Yeah, I don't think there's any cause for fret. You'll continue with life normally regardless; it was just a good, fun experience that you can remember with nostalgia once you grow old and enjoy a loving wife with wonderful kids.

What do you want, though? For a relationship to rebloom, or for both of you to just maintain your great friendship? Because it might not end the same way if you guys go through a more formal relationship, and it ends in bad taste (as they usually do). It might be best to leave things as they are, no? Sounds like she's a good friend to have, if you're able to confide in her for reliable output on your problems, and she with you.

Just something to think about. I'll be on the look out for any updates on your situation.

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