Crushing depression (35)

18 Name: Anonymous : 2008-02-23 17:15 ID:H0ldNtD1

>>12&16

Thx for your advice, but unfortunately I'm already past thinking that the real cause of my depression is just problems of minor setbacks or misattunement of colors. The fact is I'm always set, or feel set, out of place in a group. Let me share one experience I recently had. I was in a restaurant with my Japanese and German, let's say, "acquaintances". In this group, one German girl was about to move to central Tokyo and one Japanese boy(in the same group) seemingly offered her to live in his apartment with him. They seemed to love each other, and it is no problem for me. What made me feel sick is that, when I asked her about her moving process(she had told me that she would live alone), the Japanese boy said, "She cancelled". You know, it was easy for me to infer from the conversation of the rest of the people that they are gonna live together, and it is nothing to hide about or nothing confidential. He can just say, "She is gonna move to my apartment". After a while, I asked again about where her new location will be, and then the boy was so quick in changing the topic, although I was able to easily hear him talking to other people in this group about her moving to his room. It's not at all that I'm jealous or something. I was just sad to feel myself more of an acquaintance than a friend because living together with a girl is nothing to try to hide about and it is not so important a matter that you need confiding. All the reasons I can think about, regarding him not talking about this to me, is clear; he doesn't think I'm a friend and for him I'm not a person entitled to step into just a tad deep, so to speak, conversation within friends. The fact that I can't even reach the state of a mere friend made me so sad and feel out of place. I'm always like this, an outcast in almost all the groups I belong to... Yeah, this single event is a minor setback, but all of much the same (countless) experiences piled up to make me feel I'm not worthy to anyone.;_;
I don't want to sound self-pitying. I just can't stand such situation surrounding me wherever I go. I just want to feel more close with others like ordinary people do.

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