I just concluded Welcome to the N.H.K. While I don't consider myself a hikikomori, the term fits what I'm currently facing.
I'm 21 now, I do go out, but it's not to socialize, simply to buy food and my obligatory job. It's been like this for the last 10 years. I don't speak to people unless it's absolutely mandatory. I don't have friends. I don't have a family who cares about me. I've completely lost my social skills. I really don't have anything. I won't list everything that's "wrong" because I could fill up 3 pages.
But anyways, I fill my time inside all day. Anime is one way I fill the time (not that I'm a fatass otaku, I've seen maybe 10 anime in my life). I just recently finished Welcome to the N.H.K, and at the end I was very depressed. I realized how much of a failure I am. While I know it's just a show, the character was able to talk to people, go outside, talk to girls etcetera. I want to be able to do this, but how? It's been years since I've socialized with people, and back the I was just a little boy. I've lost any form of social skills since then. I don't even like typing online because everything I say is fragmented once I put it down and I figure nobody can understand what I am saying.
What I want is to be able to go out. I want to have a friend, a relationship. Anything. The desolate, isolated life I've lead for 10 years is slowly driving me insane. But then I begin to ask myself WHY do I want any of that? It's all useless in the end. If I have a friend or girlfriend, so what? I get nothing out of it. I'm going to die either way - perhaps tomorrow, 10 years, or 60 years from now. What will I get out of drinking with a mate or fucking a woman who's going to suffer the same fate as me? But the, why do I want any of it? These are the thoughts and desires that drive me to suicide or drinking over and over again.
How do I get out into the world? I'm too mentally misconfigured to go anywhere; I can't properly hold a conversation - even if it's something mundane like discussing the weather while waiting for a bus. I don't know what to do. Suicide seems like the only suitable option for me.
Note to mawds: I know there are a lot of hikikomori threads, but I'm not really a hikikomori (as I have a job).