I'll try to keep this from being too grandiose, but this is honestly what I feel. The last couple months have been the worst of my life.

Throughout high school I had delusions of grandeur and couldn't imagine a future in which people weren't groveling in front of me. I never had any real plan set out, which I suppose is to be expected of a high schooler. I had a few casual friends but nobody really close. A couple of girls expressed interest in me but I shunned them because I was scared to death of being close to someone, both because I thought it showed weakness and because I was fairly certain I'd embarrass myself.

Anyway, there was never any real question as to what I would do after high school. My parents are both rags-to-riches stories and I had always been under the impression that I would make a similar leap up the social ladder. They are kind people, but not understanding. We don't really share our feelings with each other, that is. They had a college picked out for me years ago, and I never really considered doing anything other than what they had planned out.

I hated college. I'm still sorting through exactly why. For one, I couldn't stand the fact that I was not the smartest person around, which was something I had treasured in high school. I missed my family, or at least the idea of having people I could feel comfortable being with even if we rarely had substantive conversations - I was really alone for the first time. I realized I had no desire to study, and I decided that I hated all the possible jobs I would end up with if I stayed in school.

I made it through my freshman year (barely), but by sophomore year it became clear that I wasn't going to get the GPA needed to retain my scholarship. Even though my parents didn't need the money, I felt like I had failed. At that point, I just gave up. I probably spent 95% of my time in bed, either sleeping or on the internet, with the rest being used for showering and eating. I didn't go to any classes. Student affairs figured out what was going on and sent me home with a medical leave for depression.

I've cooped myself up in my room at home since that. I think my parents may be afraid to approach me, and I've been too ashamed at what I did to talk to anybody else about it. I haven't even told my old friends still here that I'm back in town, and none of them care enough to ask how I'm doing (this isn't a complaint - I never treated anyone well enough deserve this). I haven't consciously been seeking a solution, but I have found myself drawn to boards like this one, and especially threads where people come to grips with what they're going to do with their lives.

Yesterday, reading through some very old threads, I had an epiphany about what I wanted. I want a wife, daughter, and a house in a rural town in a particular southern state. It feels stupid to type that, but I feel more sure of myself than I ever remember. If you wonder why a particular southern state, it's entirely because I lived there when I was very young and got attached to the local football team (pretty mundane reason). I don't have any particular town in said state picked out, but I want to be somewhere where all I have to worry about is holding a low-pressure, probably repetitive job (shopkeeper? plumber? not terribly important) and my family. I want a wife I can feel comfortable being around AND can talk to; also, one whom I can make happy. I'm not really sure where the desire for a daughter comes from. Hopefully it's not a secret pedo within me. I wanted to have a sister when I was young, but no such luck. In fact, all of my cousins are boys, too. Maybe that has something to do with it.

(continued)