I'll try to keep this from being too grandiose, but this is honestly what I feel. The last couple months have been the worst of my life.
Throughout high school I had delusions of grandeur and couldn't imagine a future in which people weren't groveling in front of me. I never had any real plan set out, which I suppose is to be expected of a high schooler. I had a few casual friends but nobody really close. A couple of girls expressed interest in me but I shunned them because I was scared to death of being close to someone, both because I thought it showed weakness and because I was fairly certain I'd embarrass myself.
Anyway, there was never any real question as to what I would do after high school. My parents are both rags-to-riches stories and I had always been under the impression that I would make a similar leap up the social ladder. They are kind people, but not understanding. We don't really share our feelings with each other, that is. They had a college picked out for me years ago, and I never really considered doing anything other than what they had planned out.
I hated college. I'm still sorting through exactly why. For one, I couldn't stand the fact that I was not the smartest person around, which was something I had treasured in high school. I missed my family, or at least the idea of having people I could feel comfortable being with even if we rarely had substantive conversations - I was really alone for the first time. I realized I had no desire to study, and I decided that I hated all the possible jobs I would end up with if I stayed in school.
I made it through my freshman year (barely), but by sophomore year it became clear that I wasn't going to get the GPA needed to retain my scholarship. Even though my parents didn't need the money, I felt like I had failed. At that point, I just gave up. I probably spent 95% of my time in bed, either sleeping or on the internet, with the rest being used for showering and eating. I didn't go to any classes. Student affairs figured out what was going on and sent me home with a medical leave for depression.
I've cooped myself up in my room at home since that. I think my parents may be afraid to approach me, and I've been too ashamed at what I did to talk to anybody else about it. I haven't even told my old friends still here that I'm back in town, and none of them care enough to ask how I'm doing (this isn't a complaint - I never treated anyone well enough deserve this). I haven't consciously been seeking a solution, but I have found myself drawn to boards like this one, and especially threads where people come to grips with what they're going to do with their lives.
Yesterday, reading through some very old threads, I had an epiphany about what I wanted. I want a wife, daughter, and a house in a rural town in a particular southern state. It feels stupid to type that, but I feel more sure of myself than I ever remember. If you wonder why a particular southern state, it's entirely because I lived there when I was very young and got attached to the local football team (pretty mundane reason). I don't have any particular town in said state picked out, but I want to be somewhere where all I have to worry about is holding a low-pressure, probably repetitive job (shopkeeper? plumber? not terribly important) and my family. I want a wife I can feel comfortable being around AND can talk to; also, one whom I can make happy. I'm not really sure where the desire for a daughter comes from. Hopefully it's not a secret pedo within me. I wanted to have a sister when I was young, but no such luck. In fact, all of my cousins are boys, too. Maybe that has something to do with it.
(continued)
I know this looks a little ridiculous and unrealistic, but, thinking back to a couple of years ago when I would have settled for nothing less than world domination, I'm feeling kinda proud of myself. I've got something to work for, for the first time in my life, I passionately embrace it, and I'm going to work for it. I'm not going to toy around with vague notions of going back to school, and I suppose I'll have to tell my parents that I have no intention of going back there, too.
Anyway, I'm trying to formulate some sort of a plan now. It'd be most practical to start looking into a job I wouldn't hate and getting some training for that. I also am going to start working out (I've gotten quite overweight the last couple of years); I'm never going to be dashingly attractive, but I think I can at least make myself palatable. I don't have much of an idea how to find a girl I could marry (and what I'd do when, invariably, such a girl's dreams end up being different than mine...).
I'd welcome any comments, but above all I wrote this because I needed to tell someone.
W-what do you mean? I've been told since birth I need an "intelectually fulfilling job" to be happy.. Have I been lied to? W-what am I supposed to do from now on? ;_;
If you've realized what you wanted from life and it brings you strength, then go for it. I bet you don't really need advice; actually, you might have found what people hanging around here need the most.
Set yourself short, middle and long term goals, stick to them, and embrace the future you've decided is the right for you!
You're abandoning world domination!?
Don't worry >>1, Hitler also dropped out of college. You'll get back on your feet and become a dictator yet!
I'm glad that you've figured out what you need-- not many people can do that.
Don't worry too much about the criticism you get from other people, but do keep in mind that some advice WILL be good and helpful, so don't automatically ignore things because they're dissent with your opinions.
Also, some choosiness isn't bad when picking who you're going to surround yourself with. Although you shouldn't have delusions of perfection, make sure you actually LIKE and are HAPPY with your friends/girlfriends.
Listen, OP. We all have our times of doubt. It can be disconcerting to realise that there are other intelligent people out there, and we're all temped by the charm of simpler lives sometimes.
But that is absolutely no excuse to abandon your dreams of world domination. Just because you got a bit discouraged, and something more easily acheivable started to look good, is no reason to chicken out. People will grovel in front of you yet.
You just need to get back on track. Perhaps it's time to review your old plots and schemes, make some changes, improvements, perhaps rewrite them entirely. They can't have been too great; if you'd had good enough plans, you wouldn't have been so easily discouraged. You need to take affirmative action, OP. World domination hasn't slipped out of your grasp yet, but it will if you let it.