A bit more than a half year ago, I was away for college when I just couldn't take could take the outside anymore. From there on, I stayed in my room all the time and never left; when my contract expired after the semester's end, I was forced to move back home about four months ago. However, I'm just getting much worse here and I don't know what to do about it.
I can't leave my room but she keeps trying to force me out as if I'm faking it or something. She ignores me whenever possible and when she does talk to me, all she does is yell and such. She's trying to actually starve me and when I give her a small list of food to buy (such as vegetables, meat, pasta...), she throws it out and buys junk while she eats out almost all time. She even uses my money that my grandmother left me, since she cosigned her name onto my account years ago; she does this so that she can receive SDI (even though there's nothing wrong with her) and welfare (even though she has a job). She also forced me to go on cash assistance, even though she just uses the money and I see nothing of it.
I seriously have thoughts of killing her (for additional reasons) and I just need to get out of here. Even if I could make myself leave here and move into a small, cheap place (which I would really like), I would have no way of support myself since I can't see myself out in the world and make a living (even stuff like night/graveyard shift and working from home seems oo much). I figure I could just live off the money my grandmother left me, but that's just prolonging the problem (although it could help me ease up and maybe allow me to think clearly).
I have been told many times in the past and will be told in this thread to seek help, but I know that would just be ineffective. I just would be able to tell the person anything because I have a lot of trouble expressing myself and I just worry too much; and if I did tell anyone anything, I would just completely lie about it. In addition, I'd have that fear of having to go out into the world once I begin "being corrected" and that would just contribute to me staying quiet or lying.
I want to leave here and this, but I don't "want" to or know how.
why can't you leave your room? I'm no hikki so i never got the "must stay in room"..can't you TRY to get out of your comfortzone and just be in the house(not outside). I think it's understandable why your mom is freaking out, you have to give a little and not just take.
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>>2
I can leave the room sometimes, but it's pretty difficult for me and I only leave to get food.
>I want to leave here and this, but I don't "want" to
I know this. I'm one to talk, but somewhere you might have to introduce seriousness into your life.
>I want to leave here and this, but I don't [...] know how.
There are people out there. Alternative lifestyle. Look if you can meet some hippies or whatever, people with as minimal connections to "normal" as the state of the union currently allows. You don't need to introduce yourself, just be as strange as you are and it will be most likely tolerated (esp. if you've got some cash to contribute). You won't need to worry about a sleeping place, don't worry about misbehaving (you might be put into place, but that's OK. Many are feeling to not belong anywhere and are doing strange stuff). Try to learn that there is a place out there where physical people are anonymous. Just try to be with them.
Ever thought about that? Just going somewhere without worrying?
You can do it, I believe in you.