Help me, /personal/.
(My apologies for the length.)
For the past three or so years (since I started high school; I'm now a senior), I've been having sporadic nervous breakdowns, usually late at night and alone in my room, where I just feel like a worthless piece of crap and want to die. I've never actually done anything self-destructive like cutting or anything, though, but I've gotten to the point where I've literally wanted someone to kill me because I wouldn't have the nerve to do it myself. There never seems to be one specific trigger for these; at least, not one that I've been able to figure out.
I'm a lazy overachiever, if that makes any sense. I'm in the AP program at my school, in the top 25 or so out of 1000+ students in my graduating class, head of the JROTC program, in NHS and other assorted crap- well, I think you get the picture. I am at the same time a total slacker- I sleep every day in my AP Government class and still get As, I wrote a major paper for English class the day it was due last year and would've had an A if I didn't mess up the MLA stuff so badly, don't do homework if it's not for a grade, etc. I'm not saying any of this to brag or anything, I'm just stating the situation.
However, my parents seem to think that being parents only involves making sure that I have food and clothes and shiny new gizmos, not emotional support. My dad moved out about 4 or so years ago because he got a job in another state, so I don't see him too often. My mom hasn't been properly employed in two decades, and literally either sits around and watches TV all day or gets on to me for the stupidest things. Literally, we had an argument about which way I'm supposed to fold my pants to put them on a hanger.
I can't trust either of them with anything, and any time I try to have a serious conversation with either one of them it backfires on me. With my mom, she just yells at me for "playing the victim" even though I'm the one trying to fix the situation. I talked to my dad earlier today about seeing a therapist on my school counselor's advice, and he first laughed at me, then kind of freaked out once he realized I was being serious and told me to basically suck it up. He asked me why I didn't mention it to him while he was here, and I told him that either we were out somewhere or my mom was around and she was half the problem, but he never asked me to clarify that statement- he just assumed/pretended that my stress was all school-related and told me basically that I'm just going to have to deal with it on my own. Problem is, I tried that. It's what got me to this point- I can't keep bottling stuff up anymore.
Now, the reason I want to see a therapist is so I can learn how to deal with stress on my own, not to get some sort of magical pill that will make everything shiny and pretty again. I think that maybe my dad views therapy as some sort of weakness, but I'm not sure. I haven't even mentioned it to my mom yet, but I'm just about certain that she would give me the same kind of crap my dad did.
This is what I would like to accomplish in this situation:
1) Convince my dad to pay for a therapist (not sure if insurance will cover it)
2) Get both of my parents to realize that they are the real source of my problems, not school
How would you guys recommend going about this?
tl;dr- My parents suck at being parents and my mental health is suffering because of it, WTF do I do?
Although it will certainly be more difficult, try the second option. In doing this, I think you would be nipping the problem in the bud;.
However, if neither of the two options work, I think some other things could help. Do you have many friends, and if you do, do you have time to spend with them? I always feel much better when I'm around my friends, and given that they're interesting, you'll probably forget about your problems. Not that this is the best solution, but it's better than keeping things bottled up and feeling shitty all the time.
Sounds to me like you're suffering from anxiety attacks; not nervous breakdowns (although, I know that's what it feels like.) From what I've read, it does sound like you are suffering from some sort of anxiety disorder. The thoughts of suicide, and feelings of no self worth, are actually symptoms of anxiety, and depression; you're not going insane. You sound like you have a lot on your plate, and you're just getting overwhelmed. My best advice to you is, don't give up. Go see a professional, and learn how to deal with this. Stay in school, graduate, go to college, or get some sort of formal training, get a job and move out of your parents house as soon as you can. Otherwise, this whole thing is just going to keep repeating itself, and nothing with change (it will get worse actually.)
graduating and going to college should help alot, just take out loans if you need too, but it sounds like you should get scholarship to pay for most of it.
Just don't fuck around and get into classes you like and move into dorms mid summer.
>>2
I actually have lots of friends, so that isn't a problem; it's just that we're all so busy with homework and after-school stuff that we don't have much time to hang out. I am trying to get out more, though.
>>3
Well, I wasn't sure what to call them. I just know that they happen about once a month at the most often, and now that I think about it, they seem to be triggered by events that have either humiliated or embarrassed me or events that have otherwise made me feel like crap and I just let it out when I get home. I do intend to move out as soon as possible. I'm not applying to any colleges in my state for that very reason, though I might have to go to the one near my dad because I would qualify for the in-state tuition rate and not have to worry about housing. I wouldn't terribly mind that (it's more my mom that I have issues with), but I would prefer to attend college somewhere far, far away from them.
The problem right now is that I know I need to see a professional ASAP, but I'm not 18 yet and don't have a job, so I'm kind of at my dad's whim on that. I'm trying to convince him that I really do need it, but I'm not sure how long that'll take. I do still have my school counselor to talk to, and she's been really helpful.
>>4
Would you happen to know when, in general, students are first allowed to move into the dorms? I was always under the impression that it was closer to the beginning of the year, like mid-August.
Literally, we had an argument about which way I'm supposed to fold my pants to put them on a hanger.
Anyway, like I said: you have nothing to be upset about. Until you can visualize Earth and all it's billions of inhabitants, seething in filth, euphoria, politics (which is just a complicated mixture of the former two), beauty, wonder, hope, confusion, clarity, madness, divinity--Until you've spent your entire life hoarding information, connecting it all as myriad wholes from scrambled pieces (That probably sounds like abstract stoner bullshit (bullshit which makes sense if you're not so closed-minded as to dismiss it irrationally). I assure you and all others potentially reading this - I am quite 'straight edge'.) Until you've lived lives in your imagination (yes, that is sitting down and imagining what it is like to be other people)--Until you've given up almost all of reality to automate a never-ending fantasy... Until you know what it is like to cry for A GOOD FUCKING REASON... Until you know what any of this (which is a lesser part of my mind, but probably the easiest to grasp) is like: <b>You. Are. Fine.</b>
Agh. I don't want to finish that. I.. er... I hope it makes you feel better. Moral of the story is obviously that you could have it much worse if you were as smart as you think you are, others will always be more miserable than you, etc. Sorry about insulting you a bunch of times.
Actually I should put myself on stage with a sign that reads, "If you're not me, shut the fuck up and deal with it."
First of all, I would stop blaming the parents for your problem. Not that they don't suck, or that they did not originate the problem (I have no clue) but simply because they won't be the solution to it. I think you are about 15, you can start taking responsibility for yourself. Don't fall in the trap of blaming others for your problems, you will just lose years of your life.
Now the first thing you should do is to check for assistance. I don't know if your school provides with it, but if not you can check your town if a service can provide you with help. If not, check what exists at the national level, you can also check on the internet for NGOs that could be useful, if really social services are inexistent in your country. Just be more pro-active, and sort yourself out of your mess. I also think you are having panic attacks, which is quite mundane, as a psychological problem. So you should be able to get help.
Okay, to clarify before anyone else asks:
I didn't start this thread to get anyone's sympathy, I have friends for that. I started it to get advice on how to deal with my situation from the perspectives of people who don't know me or my parents.
>>9
I'm 17, actually. I have a school counselor that's been really helpful in this (she's the one that suggested I start going to therapy), but I'm not sure if there's any sort of monetary help provided by my school. That's the main reason my dad doesn't want me to go to a professional- he'd have to pay for it and/or deal with the insurance paperwork.
>>10 why didn't you mention that from the start? I would go back to this school counselor and ask him for help:
>>8
I'm not OP, and while I agree with what you said about global views and such, I think that if you are able to do this you should be able to understand concepts such as the relativity of happiness and problems. You know, just like some starving and diseased african kids can have fun with two sticks, while some fat overprotected nerd cries in his basement?
It's not a question of who has it worst. Because of perspective. I might have a good life, given there's famine, war, torture and so many nice things on earth, but that don't mean I won't cry myself to sleep over a lost love. Of course, if I (or even YOU) were in someone else's shoes, things could be way uglier; but then again, if I was in that person's shoes, I'd have had a different experience of life, a different emotional bagage, a different train of thought. You get the picture.
To OP:
Find something constructive to do. Invest yourself in a project (not too large scale), so you can have the sensation of progress on a personnal level. Make it YOUR thing. I think it'd be better to try an area where you're not naturally gifted but that won't be too hard to learn. While this will not solve your problem, it will reinforce your sense of worth and purpose, shielding you against the anxiety attacks; also it will prove that you are independent and able to complete stuff on your own.