Ok, so I've been diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia simplex last year (although some doctors question the schizophrenia diagnosis). This year I started to change. I've become more and more aggressive at a fast pace (from being very quiet and afraid of conflict before), I fantasize about abusing, raping and murdering small children, but also people in general. This summer I was sent to a shrink, and I told him about my agressiveness and thoughts about murdering people. He seemed to pay very little attention to this, and when I asked him why, he said that it was normal for someone like me to "wake up" one day and want revenge (bullied all my life, parents kicked me out on the street without warning when I didn't "stop being depressed", relatives stopped talking to me because they though I was an embarrassment etc).
Another problem seem to be that my emotions are reversed. I read a thread on a chan where victims of child abuse and rape told their stories, and that turned me on like crazy and I even laughed at some of it, and when I read a story about an abusive mother in a newspaper, I envied the mother. She would beat and scare the kid until he'd wet himself out of fear. He was 5. At the same time I get extremely depressed by cute thing. For example, earlier today I saw a picture af a kid snuggling a kitten, and I just fucking broke down and started crying like a bitch. I can't watch cute anime either because I just feel so sad while watching it.
So yeah, my questions are: Is my shrink right when he claims my feelings are normal, and is he doing the right thing by not discussing it any deeper? And why the fuck do I enjoy horrible things but get depressed by cute things? I feel like I'm turning into a monster... To clarify, I'm not troubled by my thoughts, I'm troubled by the fact than in NOT troubled by my thoughts, if that makes any sense. Also, I'm 23 years old an female, in case that matters.
>why the fuck do I enjoy horrible things but get depressed by cute things?
Because you are Evil!
Just joking ^_^ More seriously, I think there are a few points to be considered: have you become extremely impulsive? If not I think it's ok, but if yes then you should take it more seriously. Also, it's important to consider if your judgment is getting cloudy: if you see an object at a shop, it's ok to desire it, it's not ok to steal it. If you want to hurt kittens, but know that you should not do that, and won't allow yourself to do that, then it's fine.
Why don't you find an escape vent to empty your dark urges? Something like writing horror or gore (why do you think people write that kind of stuff), or read/watch movies/books, or do some sports in which you discharge your rage (a punching bag seems like a good gift for you, at the moment).
Well, the fact that you are aware that your emotions are 'reversed' tells us that you acknowledge something is wrong.
Are you on medication?
What is it that you really want? You could stress that you want those to be discussed. I suppose you could discuss it in here or with some anon if you reckon he is overlooking at it.
Keep in touch.
you know what it means to 'reverse' your emotions?
I think what your doctor means is that you find the emotions you are experiencing so overwhelming that you are effectively white-washing them with different 'easier' emotions.
So rather than feeling say debilitating helplessness or fear etc you feel anger, something you and a lot of people find easier to deal with, even though it is not in itself pleasant(though it may be in ways).
Your doctor doesn't care about it, because it's just a distraction, a red-herring and is not your real problem, if you become able to deal with your real problem, and then learn to deal with your feelings in a more positive way, chances are these feelings will vanish, and you will even wonder, if you really were the same person who thought about violence and revenge.
I've got interested in your topic, and I got to mention that your shrinck is NOT a moron or an asshole [even if she really tries to].
Ms. OP, you need to keep track of your own feelings, it's will be very helpful for yourself when you can identify the triggers for your reversed feelings, which may be very specific.
Please, keep in touch. We are here for you, to try to help you.
Very good observation about the 'easier' emotions.
>>2
Well, I seem to easily misunderstand what people say these days. This summer I threatened to beat up my boyfriend because I thought he made fun of me, when in fact he didn't. And when I overheard him mom criticizing me and telling him he should break up with me, I plotted and researched for over a week how I could kill her and not get caught. My senses then caught up with me.
And the punching bag thing doesn't work for me. I can only beat up things that "deserve it". For example, I almost kicked my drawer to pieces after one of the sections refused to slide in again, and I once ripped a bra apart because I couldn't get it off. Can't say any of that made me feel better.
>>3
I was on medication, but stopped taking them against my doctor's orders when it fucked up my heart, liver, and my period stopped coming. I felt no different emotionally after I stopped taking them.
>>4
This makes a lot of sense to me. I still suffer from nightmares that are about my school days, and my parents telling me to fuck off and not come back. I often have 1-3 nightmares per week. So it's obvious I have a lot of unresolved issues, even though I though I had put it behind me. I just don't know how I am supposed to deal with it and put it behind me, for real. But I still don't understand why cute things make me sad.
>>5
I don't really think he's an asshole, I just think he's putting focus on weird things.
Keep track, identify the trigger...? Wanna elaborate and maybe give an example?
Thanks to you all for answering so far.
>This summer I threatened to beat up my boyfriend [...], I plotted and researched for over a week how I could kill her and not get caught. My senses then caught up with me.
Well, at least planning to kill shows that it's not really about impulsivity, even though it's not that good that it took you so long to realize it was not such a great idea.
>I can only beat up things that "deserve it". For example, I almost kicked my drawer to pieces after one of the sections refused to slide in again, and I once ripped a bra apart because I couldn't get it off. Can't say any of that made me feel better.
It's pretty clear you need to develop some form of anger management. I understand that the kicking does you no good, but nevertheless it would be a good idea to discharge energy in physical exercise. You should try to do some jogging or whatever works for you. After exercising and feeling tired, you'll find it easier to navigate through the petty irritants of life.
>I still don't understand why cute things make me sad.
My guess, because only you can every really know, is that it in some way reminds you of what you feel you are missing out on, like perhaps security, warmth and love. Since you can't fall back on anger, because you just can't force yourself to be angry about a cute little kitten, so you just feel sad.
OP
I can totally sympathize with you. I was bullied and beaten up almost all the way thru school, got very little sympathy from my parents and brothers (of whom I barely speak with ONE, maybe 3 or 4 times a year now) and now I am practically estranged from my entire family. I do have a wife and kid now but my mistrust of the human race still runs very deep. As an adult, things did not improve much either and finally I left the state and moved to another state after being unemployed for over a year.
My advise to you is to do what I did, leave for somewhere else and start a new life where no one knows you, leave all the shit behind.
I tried all that shit with pills, talking with doctors, therapists, etc. None of that shit worked and now I think Cymbalta I took for a few months has somehow fucked me up. I have nightmares almost every night.
I still have life control issues (which my wife has helped me with because she really does CARE about me and my problems) and for some reason have bondage fantasies (sometimes in dreams) where I am being controlled by females because I had such a hard time approaching women for the longest time. I am not sure if you have the same problems or with men or not.
I really think moving AWAY from the area I was went to school and lived for the longest was the best thing I ever did. I have not seen another family member in almost 4 years and the people who bullied me are a distant memory now. All you need to do is find a job somewhere else, use craiglist to find a place or if your credit is good, get a cheap apartment. Sell all of your shit for cash and take off (I made a mistake by moving my stuff, just take what you NEED, sell the rest).
Find a new guy, no reason to tell him anything up front. If he is loser, dump his ass, find a new one. Just be sure of you do find a person, make sure he really cares for you because at some point, you will rely on him for help with some of your issues. Talking to people will help the problem. But not some fucking quack who is just a pill-pusher for big pharma.
By the way, I never told my family I left. I just did. I was out of state for nearly 2 years before one of them called me out the blue one day and I told him where I was. So no reason to tell anybody jack shit.
Good luck to you...
OP
"Talking to people will help the problem."
Sorry, what I should have said is talking with someone who CARES will help the problem. For example, my wife's sister hates my guts because I am an atheist. Yeah, that happened early in life when god never said why being bullied and beaten up was good for me. I would not piss on her if she were on fire and I have said that to her face.
But back to my point, finding a significant other who truly cares and understands your problems will be critical. It might take years (like for me) or you might find one quickly. Use your gut.
OP
#9 and #10 here...one more thing, try to control the anger thing. Ripping a bra is one thing but I have gotten angry and it cost me money. I have to replace an airbag/horn in my car because I got so angry I repeatedly punched a steering wheel after I accidently sat on my glasses. Childish...yes...but most people just do not understand how people like us can go from being ok to very angry very quickly.
As for the "murdering" fantasies, I would honestly just ignore them. I ignore the violent fantasies I have as well.
Also, workout if you can. It burns off stress and try and think about the angry fantasies while working out, like I said it helps to manage them.
You should all just smoke weed, but if you're not up to it because it's illegal and shit, just take some anti-psychotics, they pretty much reset your brain and issues if you take them long enough. I had a series of nervous breakdowns fairly recently and i couldn't leave the house, i pretty much heard voices of people speaking bad of me and thought no one liked me etc. The typical "i was bullied therefore i hate myself, etc etc" just get over it people, take your meds and chill the fuck out.
>I was on medication, but stopped taking them against my doctor's orders when it fucked up my heart, liver, and my period stopped coming. I felt no different emotionally after I stopped taking them.
Erm, are you stupid or something ? Really.
>I still don't understand why cute things make me sad.
I'm sure you're not even thinking about this issue properly. Of course you don't like cute things, they make you feel jealous and depressed. You want to be cute, you want to be liked ! But because that isn't happening you started raging against society and the people who treat you "bad". It's totally understandable, you should just think things through and take your motherfucking meds.
>I was on medication, but stopped taking them against my doctor's orders when it fucked up my heart, liver, and my period stopped coming. I felt no different emotionally after I stopped taking them.Erm, are you stupid or something ? Really.
... Sorry, i realized this was a bit too much but you have to understand that if there were real dangers to your medication then your doctor wouldn't tell you to take them ! Also, for how long did you take them ? You do realize that most psychological medication need time to take effect. Not to mention that if you think they aren't doing the effect you want them to do you need to talk to your psychiatrist and really explain your issues, you need insight, that's all.
Damn, these last three posts were mine, i should really think about what i have to say before pressing reply, lmao.
Concocting elaborate plots to kill others is not normal. If this is really happening then you need to talk to a psychiatrist who will take these issues seriously.
1st. You need some love. How many friends do you have?
2nd. EAT THOSE PILLS, please?
Bless you.
>13, >14, >15, >16, #9 here...
Pills are bogus. Maybe they work for some people, like religion (which is another load of shit) but in reality, pills do one of two things: nothing or turn you into a brain dead zombie while some psycho quack tells you how great it is to be fucked over.
It is almost scary for me to hear about another person like me. And while it has taken me several years of "me-work" to try and sort a lot of this shit out, most doctors have no clue what you are talking about. Hell I had one psycho quack tell me once being bullied was a good thing. I told her to fuck off and did not pay her for that session. Never went back.
I do have a nice little hatred for the human race and things like 911 did not phase me in the least. What surprised me there was all the apologists for the govt that later showed up. I am indifferent to mass killings of people and unless it is someone I care about (and the number of people I care about I can count on ONE hand), I won't be cracking out much effort. I kinda think the OP is the same way.
You know what happens when you bully and beat up kids in school? They turn into people like me and the OP. At first we are angry, then we stop caring. Fuck the human race.
>You know what happens when you bully and beat up kids in school? They turn into people like me and the OP. At first we are angry, then we stop caring. Fuck the human race.
Your loss. In reality, what happened is that you are continuing the bullying, but now as self-bullying.
In reality you yearn for love, but are bitter as self-defense mechanism. Unfortunately you picked the wrong mechanism, this one will only keep your self-destruction.
I was also bullied as a kid, and so what. That is in my past, does not prevent me from enjoying the friendships and relationships I have now. I'm glad I could overcome the bitterness from those times, they don't deserve to waste the rest of your life.
>18
Let me put it like this.
When kids do not like you in school, they bully you. When, as an adult, you are not liked, you do not get beat up, but instead you get ignored. You do not get recognized at work, do not get invited to meetings, end up on layoff lists regardless of how good you are at your job, women ignore you, and your career works in 2 to 3 year long job stints where you never make it long enough to be vested in a retirement plan or what not.
Do you know what a pain it is to knock the shit out of someone on the first day of school who opens their god damn mouth to you? It was getting to be a real pain year after year. And the fuckers STILL picked on me and shit.
Yes people want to be loved, but loving someone else makes a person at their most vulnerable, which is the one of the points the OP was trying to make.
I only now (at 35) am finally getting to where I trust other people, but they always will be at arms length. Plus, I WILL make sure my kids are not bullied in school either. I quite simply will not tolerate it. I do not want them turning out like I did.
>Do you know what a pain it is to knock the shit out of someone on the first day of school who opens their god damn mouth to you? It was getting to be a real pain year after year. And the fuckers STILL picked on me and shit.
Been there, done that (once threw someone into the cactus garden, also I was hyper aggressive at the beginning of the year).
>Yes people want to be loved, but loving someone else makes a person at their most vulnerable, which is the one of the points the OP was trying to make.
Yep, love involves vulnerability, so you need some judgment about who to get involved with.
>I only now (at 35) am finally getting to where I trust other people, but they always will be at arms length.
Well, shows you are on the pathway to recovery. So your discourse does not make sense: you can't love or be loved by what you hate. Hating humanity is self-harmful, pointless and displaced.
>Plus, I WILL make sure my kids are not bullied in school either.
And how do you plan to achieve that? And does any of that apply to you? Should they also hate humanity?
>20
You definitely are a fuckhead and sure as shit do not need your expert opinion. It is quite obvious you have zero clue how myself or the OP feel about the situation or have been trying to handle it.
But I will humor you on a couple of your points for the benefit of other readers:
>Hating humanity is self-harmful, pointless and displaced.
No it is not. Most humans on this planet are quite worthless and do not deserve the air they breathe. They range all the way from peasants all the way up to "world leaders". Most of which are out only for themselves and fuck over others to get ahead. That is called "the American way".
>Plus, I WILL make sure my kids are not bullied in school either.
>And how do you plan to achieve that? And does any of that apply to you? Should they also hate humanity?
Prior to any problems and schooling, my kids will have gone thru self-defense classes of some sort to give them the confidence needed to knock the shit out of someone...with some "additional training" from myself on body parts to target they typically do not teach kids. My kids will NOT be victims of some cockwipe bully.
At first (and if it ever becomes an issue), I will tell my kids straight up not to start a fight and walk away if possible, but sure to finish it. If a problem comes up, I will work with school officials and the other kid(s) parents to resolve the problem. I expect 99.9% of problems to be resolved at this stage.
If it doesn't resolve there, escalation will occur and then it gets unpleasant real fast. The parents of the other kid(s) will be informed of escalation during the "attempt to resolve meetings". And the escalation just will not stop with their kid...they will feel it as well.
If I have to pay some kids to knock the crap out of the other kid everyday for the rest of the school year or paying mommy or daddy a visit at home at 2AM or their place of employment, believe me, it will get dealt with.
Most parents just think "it is just a part of growing up" to be bullied while at the same time the schools teach kids to not think for themselves or stand up for themselves (or at worst, try and put kids in jail for doing so while letting bullies do what they want). I simply will not tolerate it.
I went thru that shit when I was a kid, my parents did not care, my kids will not go thru it. As a parent, it is negligent to let your kids go thru that shit.
>fuckhead
Are you really 35? Or did you inflate your age by two decades?
>you have zero clue how myself or the OP feel about the situation or have been trying to handle it.
Only the OP is qualified to know how she feels.
>Most humans on this planet are quite worthless and do not deserve the air they breathe.
I guess you are the happy exception, along with your wife and kids, right? Care to explain what's so worth-full about you?
>Prior to any problems and schooling, my kids will have gone thru self-defense classes of some sort to give them the confidence needed to knock the shit out of someone...with some "additional training" from myself on body parts to target they typically do not teach kids.
Great, so you are going to teach dangerous tricks to kids and escalate the violence. Of course, your precocious kids will always have the judgment of not abusing their capacities, isn't it? There's also no chance that they could become the bullies? Oh yeah, but it does not matter, because it's your kids, the happy exception to the worthless rule.And besides, we all know how violence never escalates, right? Soon enough you'll give them knives and guns?
Sorry but that's the wrong approach. I've nothing against people learning martial arts, it's a good activity for self-confidence, as you say, but people should be told to NEVER use it, unless there is danger for their life.
>escalation will occur and then it gets unpleasant real fast.
Well, at least the possibility occurred to you. But you still did not understand that escalation is a sign of failure in your strategy.
>If a problem comes up, I will work with school officials and the other kid(s) parents to resolve the problem. I expect 99.9% of problems to be resolved at this stage.
Finally, a streak of sanity. Imagine, you the adult giving an example on how conflicts should be solved with the least damage? I back you 100% on that one.
>If I have to pay some kids to knock the crap out of the other kid everyday for the rest of the school year or paying mommy or daddy a visit at home at 2AM or their place of employment, believe me, it will get dealt with.
Wonderful, your strategy involves criminal activity? Sorry to break it to you, but that's really not very smart (you know, jail and stuff). And let's hope that the concerned parents don't think like you, and have some useful family connections to solve the "problem" you and your kids have become.
>Most parents just think "it is just a part of growing up" to be bullied while at the same time the schools teach kids to not think for themselves or stand up for themselves (or at worst, try and put kids in jail for doing so while letting bullies do what they want). I simply will not tolerate it.
It's good that you care, but I hope that by the time this becomes relevant, you have matured a bit, and don't continue to ruminate your bullied childhood fantasies.
And BTW, sometimes it's not so much the problem that the parents don't care, but rather that the kids don't speak about it. This does not seem to have been the case with you, but it was for me (yeah, not very bright - just make sure your kids are brighter than I was ^_^)
>22
>Only the OP is qualified to know how she feels.
I agree...I am not trying to put words in her mouth, but you seem to be doing a good job trying to do that for us.
>...as for the rest...
Honestly, you do not know your ass from a hole in the ground. Seriously. It is quite obvious you are talking here just to talk and have nothing to offer. Your answers alone are telling me you clearly do not understand what it is like to be bullied or be a victim. But of course, you are here with your 2 cents telling us all about it.
Do me a favor, shut your fucking hole. You don't know shit.
you should continue to take the medicine and go to your doctor or find another one if they aren't helping much. It seems like you have a good boyfriend though I mean if he sticks with you even if you flip out and stays with you even if his mom tells him to break up he has to really care about you right? Maybe you could talk to him about how you feel maybe he can help. And it might help you confiding in someone that really cares about you other than a psychologist who is essentially a stranger. stick with it you just have to be patient and realize these problems don't really go away very fast and sometimes even when you start to feel better the feelings might come back its hard but you can make it we believe in you op.
There is something that needs to be said towards post 21 human beings are not worthless. Hating humanity is defeating in the end. You will become the very reasons you hated humanity in the first place even if you don't act on it people will see the hate in you in your arrogance in what you talk about and then more people will hate humanity. It's almost like this world is designed to produce hate. It’s such a terrible thing too that people who recognize hate as wrong then turn to hate out of betrayal and encourage other people to hate as if they were trying to get revenge because of their own bitterness or because of thier guilt. As a species of thinking rational animals we could have made a utopia but we chose to follow this path so why do we still encourage it even when we have gotten to this level of depravity. All you need to do is look around and you can see it it’s almost a tangible force. We desperately need Love kindness and compassion but push them out of our lives like we are afraid of them. You can despise people’s actions as much as you want, you can hate things, you can hate ideas but to hate individual people is wrong and it will cause you to hurt yourself in the end because in essence it means to hate yourself. You can’t live alone happiness is something that is only valid when shared. Human beings need other Human beings we can’t hate each other or it tears these fundamental facts of our existence apart. We can change this world we live in if we just act in selflessness instead of selfishness show people kindness instead of hatred and try our best to help other people out. Sure it’s hard but to live in a world like this is even harder.
>Do me a favor, shut your fucking hole. You don't know shit.
Grow up
>26
>Grow up
Get fucked and keep you mouth shut on things you know nothing about, because you DO NOT know shit.
I humored your ignorant ass for too long, but hopefully my answers benefited others.
For someone that claims to despise bullying so much, you don't seem hesitant to use it on others that don't agree with you.
You are not being bullied, you do not understand when to shut up. You have no clue what you are talking about.
>>28
No, telling people that they can go fuck themselves because they dared to think differently than you is clearly bullying. You're going to have a hard time getting people to take you seriously when you can't have a difference of opinion without flying into a rage.
I was really bullied, i was forced to pee in public. In fact i was pretty much schizophrenic as a kid so I'd appreciate it if you first thought about what you're going to say. You don't know the things I've been through (or people other than yourself) so you can't talk out of your own experience and assume that it is truth.
It isn't.
Pills aren't bogus, they do their work, anyone who cares to think otherwise is just... Well, i think they know what they are. Mistrusting psychological medication is totally bogus and is on the level of believing man didn't go to the Moon.
I hope you're doing fine OP, listen to the professionals, people are are good for advising, not for solutions, so please, keep taking your pills and think things through well.
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Also, both of you? The two guys going at each other on this thread... Well, nothing against you in particular but I just wanted to point out that you're currently acting out some of the things that are wrong with mankind.
You're also now displaying everything i hate about mankind. The need to argue, the need to have conflict, the need to show who's the most animalesque and who's the smartest and who's the best. Just accept other people's opinions and if you don't like them, pretend they don't exist.
Stop getting so affected by people who don't intend to affect you, stop interpreting what others do, just listen to what they say, don't search for second meanings. Simplify your life.