I wish I really could hurt them. Badly, even. I have no more consideration for another fellow human anymore and I found this sometimes to be troubling as of why do I feel the need to splash so much hatred against people for the slightest pain they inflict on me. I found them to be terribly stupid. Not as in stupid as of ''duhhhh'' but more as in they don`t know how to behave in society and therefore, need to be wiped off the earth so there will be less pain in this one.
To make it really short, I have been since my childhood exposed to abuse both emotionally by my arguing parents and by the kids at school making fun of me because I am fat and physically by bullying of those ''better than me''. I always took it without replying. I never really managed to have true friends. I had behavior problems as a kid with aggressiveness which, i hope, managed to put aside by adulthood and I did manage but it always stayed behind me as my shadow. It used to scare my first love when she used to make me angry for whatever serious reason. I lost her when I was 18. By then, I got into depression and suicidal ambitions. I grown to be a fatalist hoping when I would cross the street, I would die struck by a car. I never did. I did try to seek help in a mental hospital. They only gave me an appointment 2 months later when my suicidal tendencies reached a peak during the christmas period of that year which was also when my mom kicked me out of the house and I was forced to live with my ex i never managed to make peace with. I had daggers I was given as a gift both from my ex and relatives (cause i had a katana/dagger period) which I used to scratch myself with. I substituted it for booze. A pain for another I guess cause my dad has that problem. By that time, I started to read a lot and study multiple things cherishing my new hobby which was pursuing knowledge and let people drown in their idiocy. What else could I do? I was alone, friendless, practically homeless, still in love with someone who hated my guts and was always tempted to jump off a bridge...
I always wondered if the ever increasing urge to hurt and assault people is the climax of all i've been through after all this time. Probably, yes it is. I always been abused by people. It's only fair i give payback right? I do not wish to go in a school and shoot people. I maybe don't even wish to punch them in the fucking face. I only want to destroy them and their lives. I always thought that the greatest and most powerful form of violence is mental and emotional violence/abuse. Those kind of scars barely goes away with time. I know that for a fact. Why should I even care about them? They would not for me.
Maybe except for two of them...
At work, I know two persons (that got to be a couple over time). In their own separate ways, they both introduced themselves forcefully in my life and I began to treat them as ''friends'' because they were the first in god-knows-how-long to show they did care about what I felt. This led me to ''calm down''. They even organised something for my birthday!. Of course, I bluntly asked ''you're kidding right?'' They were not. I did have a tremendous party and now, the guy wants me to move in with him in an appartement downtown.
All seems fine and dandy in this but I still, after that, cannot quiet down my urges to mentally hurt people. I have fun scaring hobos begging me for change. I give crude remarks to people I don't like. I like to shock people by saying ''outrageous statements'' to them... I have fun doing this even though I should not. I cannot stop until I have full satisfaction. I treat my two friends very well. I only enjoy treating the rest like how a dog would treat the rug before pissing on it.
Please tell me I am not alone in this infenral spiral and how can I get out of it.
Solve your problems with your past. Accept it, take your time. You might just be naturally aggressive but really... If you take your time off, use your head and think it through... It'll all go well.
Blah blah fucking blah. Life sucks, get used to it. You can't change the past, only your future. Don't act like a little self righteous bitch because you had it "bad". People have it worse, 1000 times worse. To be so self-centred that you want to hurt people because you had it rough is not only selfish, but retarded.
I used to be like you (but not fat). I hated the world because I was raped when I was a child. But you know what? You learn that it doesn't matter one bit. You can't control things out of your power.
Suck it up and deal with it OP. The wasted efforts it takes to hate people can be put into so much more. Do it.
Hahahahah, seriously man, I hate it when people are all attached to their past, sure it can make you feel certain things... But you can't be stupid enough to let yourself fall into those mistakes over and over again. The world isn't black&white so stop acting like a sissy on steroids. Seriously.
So many kids were fat.
So many kids are ugly.
So many kids are awkward.
So many kids are this and that.
So many people had to put up with so many shit you can't even begin to imagine.
To me it sounds like you're just indulging yourself in a total judging retardation. Stop being like that.
Oh shut up OP you're the most annoying kind of person in the world. Listen to yourself. You sound like some shithead 13 year old goth kid who got bullied.
Guess what, your problems are nothing. People suffer from a lot worse in this world. Consider yourself lucky, you ungrateful loser.
Try putting your effort into bettering yourself, meeting the right people, and enjoying life. I was raped as a kid, thought the worse of everybody until I was 19. I travelled the world for a year and learned that people all over this planet lack the very basic necessities that we don't even consciously notice in the West. Grow up and get a grip, life is a bitch.
>>1
I empathize, and I don't think you're alone.
It's only rational that you would want to give back what you've been given. And it's probably healthier for yourself to lash out than keep it all inside. But of course this doesn't benefit the victims of your cruelty.
All I can say is continue to seek professional help. If you communicate your feelings in this regard to the mental health unit they'd probably bump you up in queue for committal, but I think you're already on the right path. If you have health benefits through work, check and see if it will cover a psychologist or therapist.
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Conclusion: Jisaku Jien
Op, you're just a pussy. Join a martial arts class, dude.
If you read this please disregard the few self serving fucks who are telling you to "suck it in".
They could be right but in telling someone that they are pathetic or immature is not going to motivate them to change.
Yes some unfortunate people live in Darfur, or Sudan were raped, deformed, were as big as Jabba the fucking hut, or beaten senseless and urinated on daily. far worse than you...
But you still feel like shit right ---IT'S OK TO FEEL LIKE SHIT!
-It's NOT ok to repeat the pattern and create new shit for someone else to deal with. YOU KNOW THAT.
You vented that's good -but you see a pattern you know something isn't right -you can't fix it yourself so go see someone who will coach you -and act like your breaking an addiction -if something is part of you that you despise -work on eliminating it or minimizing it's effects on you.
Start by channeling anger into something you might enjoy -even better, an activity that involves others like joining a dojo, You will LOVE sparring. Start to volunteer -pick a random act of kindness.
If you are feeling "superior" to someone -give them a "pass" then work on why you feel that way toward people and what triggers this.
Seriosely it sounds familiar -which is why I'm dropping you a line -AND DO NOT GO ON ABOUT THIS TO PEOPLE CONSTANTLY -they will either avoid you or call you names and feed this monster you like to keep feeding.
FUCK UPS HAPPEN AND SOMETIMES MORE OFTEN THAN YOU CAN CONTROL BUT THAT'S IT!!! YOU CAN'T ALLWAYS CONTROL THINGS -there are prevention strategies -you took the first step -now go out and solve this -It's your responsibility to yourself.
Yes, and those problems were for THOSE people to face. He has his own issues, and comparing this problem while treating op as someone else isn't fair. People each have different levels of tolerance for situations.
It's great to know that you made some friends and it sounds like life is getting better for you. Op, typically any sort of over-aggression or sociopath tendencies draw from our fears. It sounds like you've had to act on your fears, with your girlfriend leaving you (did she die or just leave?) or you getting kicked out of the house. It makes it easy, then, to blame others for your own misfortune and take it out on them.
Op, you have to stop this. You have to stop opening your wound for everyone to see. You've got to let it heal. The only way to do this is to face whatever it is in you that you have been harboring for so long and get over it. You can't let it sit in the dark and fester. You must face what you are.
The only man that is a coward is the man who won't admit to himself who he is, the man that hides behind a mask, scared shitless. Don't be a little bitch anymore.
Okay, how do I start, I do know what you went through as a kid somewhat. My parents fought, I was teased, and bullied by people who thought they were better than me. I held it all in I still do hold it all in. But the trick is to find a way to constructively let it all out. People will yawn or say get a life, but one way is religion, whether it is christianity or some other religion. Another way is to put that anger into sport, let it help you motivate yourself. I don't know I chose Christianity and Kendo, but this is my two cents worth.
You shouldn't hold that in. Like other posters in this thread have said; join a dojo, or martial arts affiliation. Yeah, you went through shit. We all go through shit, even the assholes who give us the shit, take shit. But if you hold that shit in for long, you'll explode.
Don't be that guy
Look OP, Im going to be deep on you for a minute.
In my life Ive seen my dad leave out on me and my mom when I was 2 months old, after calling her a whore and saying I wasnt his son. Then in Kindergarten he tried some shit by coming up to my mom and saying that he wanted full custody over me.
My Step Dad is in prison for GTA. Hes not going to be out for at least another year. I love him, hes my father
My mom has to keep going to surgery to keep her from having cancer.
My granddad is about to die... soon. He has pneumonia and cant handle it.
I used to grow up in the Hood. Hopewell VA, look it up. I have so many things I can talk about about the place being shit that its insane.
I used to be in a gang, just got "inactive" status 8 months ago. After seeing most of my friends having to get shot up, go to prison for long time, and flee Richmond VA because they didnt want to die.
I have had people try to kill me, and just about anything one person can do to another has happened to me.
So please, dont talk about how "oh people bullied me, and my parents fought all the time, so Im going to be angry now". At least you had/have both of your parents. Also, trust me, when it comes to hurting others, its only fun for a little bit. Keep doing it for a long time, and it will fuck you up. Trust me on that one. So dont think like that, because in the end, doing that to everyone else will only hurt you.
Ya digg?
Listen to this man. I grew up in the hood too; Jane & Finch area in Toronto. Murder central in all of Canada. Suffice to say my life was shit and everybody in the area was shit. Literally dodging bullets in the streets at times. It's daily life. So, suck it up, OP. I'm sure there a million people who would love to put your shoes on and live your life.