High school bored the hell out of me, and I was living with my abusive father for the first year and a half of high school, so I got off to a rough start. However, I started doing college classes, and I excelled there, in an environment full of people years years older than me. However, the abuse escalated and I ran away, and the next few years of academia got progressively worse. I eventually ended up a bit of a druggie, and while I'm not physically addicted to any drugs, my social life revolves entirely around drugs. I enrolled full time in a community college last summer, and, after a year of utter degradation at school, I sort of fucked it up. Majorly. As of now my GPA is a 2.8. Enter this year. I totally over scheduled myself with work and school, and am completely fucking it up. I am currently failing all but two classes, have just dropped one class that I had no hopes of passing, and have only two more which I think I can pass if I work my ass off. There is one class that I have no idea if I can pass or not, and it is (unfortunately) my math class. I am a math major.
Now, all of this, to me and me alone, doesn't really matter. I just started, and since I realized that if I didn't get my shit in gear I was going to flunk everything, study habits that I haven't used in years are starting to resurface. I figure, starting next semester, and all subsequent semesters, I should be able to do quite well. However, there are a few problems. I am living with my mother and my college is paid for solely by her, as we don't qualify for financial aid. This means she sees my grades, and is essentially planning my future for me. Luckily we have the same goals, but my grades don't reflect that. Last month, when I was doing slightly better, I told her that my GPA was going to be around a 3.2 this semester, and I told her I was going to drop this class and she understood. My schedule really was/is horrible. But now, I'm looking at (maybe) a 2.5 gpa, and I don't even know if I can pass this class. Also, as I said, I'm a math major, and I really need this math class to go on. Also, There's the plan. The plan is for me to transfer to a good college at the end of next summer, and if I do well, my GPA will definitely be good enough to get in.... But if I have to drop this class, I (a) won't have enough credits by the end of next summer unless I work my ass off, (b) won't be able to do higher level maths as quickly, which I want, and (c) will have wasted tons of my mother's money.
I'm planning on emailing my professor to see what I can do about this one class, but here's yet another problem: I need a B in this class to go on to the next class in the sequence. Even if I can convince her to give me some extra credit, how the hell am I going to convince her to let me do enough work to get a B? The course I'm in only covers half of the book, and I'm planning on asking her if I do the rest of the chapters for a B, but she could quite easily just say "no", as one of my other professors has said when I've requested some form of extra credit.
I fucked up last summer, too, and when my mom found out (on my birthday, at the beginning of the semester, when she was withdrawing from Zoloft) she flipped the fuck out. I already felt like shit because I'd fucked up so bad (a D, a C, and a B), and then she flipped the fuck out, and I felt even shittier. I told her that I'd do better this semester, and I really, truly meant it. And then I fucked up.
CONTINUED
I know that I brought this all upon myself, but I am really fucking panicking. But then..... tonight, when I know full well I should be studying my ass off or doing homework or something, I am going out partying. This has happened less and less over the school year, as the workload's increased and I've been getting worse and worse grades, but over the weekends, it still happens. And during the school week, during my ample free time, rather than working out, or doing homework, or even doing simple shit like cleaning my apartment..... I sit on my computer, chronically masturbate, surf the web, download lots of music, or play shitty visual novels that aren't even appealing to me anymore. I don't even have my shit together to eat slightly less, or lift weights three times a week (it's gone down to once or twice), or even fucking save money. Last month I got hit with over $100 in overdraft fees. I want to improve, and I know that starting in December things will start getting better, but at the moment, I'm just stuck, and extremely depressed.
My friend wants to buy pot through me, so rather than sitting the fuck down to write to one of my teachers (I should probably email two of them about current stuff), I'm probably gonna go brush my teeth and then pick him up. And of course, since I don't have my shit together to save my own money up so I can get an ounce and start making a profit from pot(when I do have pot I'm very good at conserving it so I should have a problem with this), he'll probably toke a bit with me. And of course, since I don't even have the willpower to do some sort of stimulant that will motivate me, knowing that it will motivate me and possessing various stimulants, I will probably get home tonight and do nothing productive. And that's just what will happen, and has been happening, and it's really depressing.
I don't know what to do, guys. Help?
Sell your computer.
OP tomorrow I've got an appointment at my GP to see if i can get meds for my depression, I suggest you do the same. I've exercised and tried other forms of self help but haven't felt any real improvements, so I'm taking the next step to try to deal with it.
You need to deal with the source of the issue and then deal with each smaller part by itself when you are in a better state to deal with it. Good luck.
You seem to have many issues, but some are primary, others secondary, and even a couple of tertiary ones, like failing your grades.
I don't think you now have the time to solve your primary causes, so if I was you I would concentrate on the secondary, and that is a complete lack of self-discipline. To me, the best way to address this is either to create or join a study group, so that even when your willpower goes south, peer pressure keeps you on track, or then to drop out of the classical education style and go to a form of education where you are closely supervised by a mentor.
Once you get enough working habits, some of your self-confidence will return, and you will be able to rebuild yourself and tackle the primary causes.
In brief: don't panic, get help.
>>7
not a realistic option, yo
>>1
I feel you, man. I'm also a math major. This is my last year of school, and I'm fucking things up in a similar way, minus the drugs. I don't have a good answer for you, but if I were to try to give you advice, it might go like this:
Take a moment to think about what you really want. Like, take some time and sit down and think. Even just for a few minutes. Think. What do you feel, in that moment, that you really want to do? Look at porn? Clean your apartment? Do some pot? Do your homework? Go out and party? Do your laundry? If you sit down and think -- no, feel, really feel what you want to do, then you won't regret whatever you choose to do in the end. Forget the flawed notion that you SHOULD do your homework, or you SHOULD worry about how you spend your mother's money, or that you SHOULDN'T do pot or that you SHOULDN'T masturbate for an hour. There is no "should." It's about what you want. If you find yourself doing pot with your friends, then why are you complaining about not being able to do your homework? If you didn't want to do pot, then why did you? If you didn't really want to ignore your dishes/laundry so that you can browse the internet and enjoy some porn, then why are you complaining about it? You wouldn't, if you really wanted to. You need to realize that you are already doing what you want. And you need to ask yourself if the things you feel that you SHOULD do are actually things that you WANT to do. Sure, everyone says you should graduate. Everyone says that you shouldn't do drugs. Your mom says you should do well in classes. She probably doesn't want you to waste her money. But what do you, in your heart of hearts, feel you want to do? What comes to you naturally? Take some time, sit down -- in a non-metaphorical sense -- and think about it. Feel it out. Is your major really important to you? Is ensuring your future more important to you than gratifying your physical urges now? Maybe it isn't, and if you can realize that, then you can be happy using the internet and masturbating -- that isn't a bad thing. This isn't about deciding what you should do; it's about discovering what you naturally want to do. What naturally makes you happy. If doing pot and going to parties and spending your mom's money is what you naturally find yourself doing, then maybe it's what you want to do. But if you're sitting there, and you find yourself starting to feel that, "Oh shit, I really need to do this work because I can see, I know, that if I don't get my degree, I won't get a good job, and that'll suck really hard," then maybe what you naturally want is to do a decent job on your homework so you can pass your classes and get your major. Only you can decide what you want to do, because you're the only one who can feel it out. You can be happy doing anything. Anything. Just listen to what your heart tells you, and do what you truly FEEL you want to do.
Half of that message was for me, by the way. Good luck to both of us.
This is 8 again.
2 days later and I still haven't done any homework for my classes. Weird. I don't understand why I can't take a little bit of my own medicine. I guess I don't have anything due until Friday (I have a test), but it still bothers me. I worry that I won't get anything done at all, and I'll fail the test as a result.
But then, if I were really worried, then wouldn't I study?
By the way, I wonder where the OP is.