Hello. This is a story of my life. I am posting this not because I need help (I do) but because I was supposed to have a birthday party today and it's been postponed and I need something to do before I continue drinking in a pub.
Hello. My name is O████ and I recently turned 22. The day before my birthday marked two and a half years of being alone. Since S████'s death I have been having episodes of crippling depression. Sometimes it would happen during a drunken party and I would just go outside and nobody would notice. Sometimes I would sob quietly on a bus and some old woman provokes me and I shout at her, how they have not been taught that you let the passengers get out before you board the bus.
Anyway, I met S█████ after my grandpa's death. He was a really good man and a friend and I believe he would drink with me and talk about girls today, were he still alive. Well, he had a lot of friends in the post-CCCP countries and we discovered his old letters and decided to revive some friendships. My mum wrote an e-mail to some family from ███████ and I wrote a letter to her daughter named S█████. That was about seven and a half years ago. My mum quickly forgot about the family, but I kept corresponding with S█████. We got really close over the course of one year. I felt that we were good friends even though we have never seen each other.
Time passed (four and a half years to be exact), we both graduated from middle and high school and we were going to universities. On the vacation before, she told me that she's considering moving to my country. She had an aunt here and she really likes it here. So her aunt's hometown helped me to decide which university I go to. I wanted to see her. And in October of 2009, it happened. She came to visit and we met each other. We were going through some cafes and restaurants and after few nights at her aunt's she said that she wanted to spent the night at my place. I had an asshole housemate, so we opted for a hostel instead. That was a good night. I told her that we should kiss, just in case we never see each other again. She complied, much to my surprise, as it was intended as a half-joke. Then we had sex, blah, blah. At some shitty, decrepit hostel.
We continued seeing each other for some time. Some time during january 2010 we were out at Saturday. Since I lived in a real shithole at the end of the world back then, there was one bus to my place per hour during the weekend and the last one departed at 22:59 (then there were two or three night buses). So we stayed in a hostel.
The next day, we woke up at 10 AM, she does woman things in the bathroom, and before 11 she goes out to take a breath of fresh air. This is a regular thing and I did that as well, except in the evening. So I'm in my bed, reading A Brave New World, when I hear that car tire screech and a slight thunk. Whatever, people get drunk during Saturday night and get in the card and hit trees and trash bins in Sunday. It happens once or twice a month so I just ignored it.
It wasn't a tree, it was S█████. I'm skipping the detail here. After almost five years of knowing her, she's gone. I started drinking. Money and time are the only thing I have more than enough of in life, so I spent most of my time sipping whiskey.
I kept my relationship with S█████ secret from most. I don't know why; it had something to do with my shyness, modesty, and lack of trust in strangers. But after I told my asshole housemate about it (six months after), he had too much fun at my dead SO's expense and I was reluctant to talk to most people about it.
There have been some significant women in my life after. I fell madly in love in A██ last holidays and it turns out I'm too ugly for her. (This is understandable considering that I'm fat (182cm, 90kg) and I can't look at my face without disgust. My whore of a mum kept feeding me tons sweets until middle school, when I realised that it's not right. I fucking hate her.) We still see each other sometimes. And there's K████, who was my (in order) advisor in relationship with A██, briefly girlfriend, fuck buddy, and best friend. She's one of the two real friends I have. She's always willing to hear me out, hug me. There's also M█████ whom I can also confer my deepest secrets. I actually met with both of them the day before yesterday.
So now? Now I wake up, go to some lectures and labs (I hate to flaunt it, but I'm apparently capable of getting scholarship-level grades even in this state), go back home, work on my current project, then drink. Sometimes a course-mate comes over and we drink together. Then we go out and perhaps meet people.
I met a girl last weekend and I'm seeing her tomorrow. She's 16 and had a really fat friend with her when we met her.
I've been to two psychologists and a psychiatrist. This is bullshit. When I met with A██, whom I still love, I am perfectly happy even though we'll never be together. I just need someone to help me find someone to love. I am not depressed when I am with someone. But nobody apparently cares. I don't know. I'm meeting K████ after the weekend and we're supposed to come up with a plan to get me back.
So this is it. I'm not proofreading it. I don't care. I had a few shots of Jameson's and some vodka. I think I'm going out and look at pretty girls because there's no way I'm socialising with nobody by my side.
Sorry for bad language. And sorry for censored named, I'm paranoid that certain individuals identify me.
I'm not expecting anything from you. I just wanted to write it down. I probably won't even remember this in the morning.
Love, O████
I hope things get better, I may not know your name or names of others involved, but I'm still crossing my fingers for you.
you need to address your alcoholism issue, before you think about rebuilding your life. That should be your nº1 objective, before searching for love and company. In this state you are a terrible person, you need to fix yourself before you can try to find a mate.
You need medical help, asap.