wild mood swings (12)

6 Name: Anonymous : 2012-02-07 12:51 ID:4VzJ9MFn

You speak of yourself in pretty harsh terms. Basically you do not like yourself, and always put an act in front of others, lest they figure you out and agree with you poor opinion. Besides, you seem to have so completely internalized the image your family (and yourself) expect of you that you even demean and qualify as selfish your basic needs (to do what you want).

All that makes me think that you should probably seriously reconsider your priorities, and for instance devote one fourth of your time NOT searching for a job, but actually thinking and trying things out to figure yourself out, things like what do you really want, and even more important, what do you really need. This is not idle or lazy work. It's actually pretty scary and takes balls to achieve.

For instance, let's consider that your issue is that you're a bottled up gay or bi. It would make sense, you don't seem to appreciate and even lack interest in your experiences with women in general, complain from the stress of always putting an act in front of others. You even explicitly said so in your first post, although in a derogatory manner. If I was gay, and was the lonely child from a family which puts a lot of pressure on me to find a match and continue the line, I would also feel like escaping into some faraway place. Now for the sake of the discussion, it does not matter whether you're gay, transgender, studied engineering/IT/medicine/finance but would actually like to be a singer, secretly like garlic in a family of garlic haters. The point is that you seem to have dedicated your energy to meet the demands of what you think people (and yourself) want you to be, and did not care to figure out who you actually are. Doing that is not easy, and really requires a lot of energy and courage.

But the thing is, now is a perfect time to do it. You're in between jobs, so you actually CAN try different things. That's much better than going into the wild. People who are ok with themselves do not go into the wild to escape society, but because their interests happen to require them to sometimes be in an isolated situation. I actually saw people go work in isolated places "to escape society", and go batshit insane within one or two weeks: they did not have a problem with society, but rather with themselves. And guess who's always there when nobody else is? This misunderstanding arises because when you have a fucked up relationship with yourself, contact with society can be a pain. But this is not due to society itself, but because your internal conflict corrupts all possible interactions with others. Just consider the case of a closeted transgender: any contact with others will be fake, since gender always modulates any contact in society...

And you'd better start addressing your issues before you actually find a job, because otherwise you are just adding more pain for yourself. You seem to be burned out even before you got a job, so it's easy to imagine how hard things could become once you get one, if you simply continue to try to be some fantasy of what you think you should be.

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