(continued) Because you dislike yourself, you seem to be locked in a "good boy!" phase, in which you derive satisfaction mainly by getting praise from others. That's fine when you're a kid, but becomes creepy when you're an adult. I can well imagine that while a kid, praise from others may have helped Picasso to focus and progress in his drawing, but if at thirty he was still trying to please his mother with his drawing, it would be problematic. And I don't mean that having a good work ethic and paying attention to client feedback is a bad thing. But there is a strong difference between enjoying external praise, from requiring it as personal validation.

I'll give you an example to make the difference clear: when Beethoven premiered his Grosse Fugue in 1826, the audience was horrified. His comment was "And why didn't they encore the Fugue? That alone should have been repeated! Cattle! Asses!", which shows that he still cared for other's feedback, but did not depend on it to keep composing as he saw fit. And good for him, because it would take more than a century for the public to really start appreciating the kind of music he was inventing (Stravinsky wrote in 1967: "the Great Fugue now seems to me ... a perfect miracle... an absolutely contemporary piece of music that will be contemporary forever... hardly birthmarked by its age, the Great Fugue is, as rhythm alone, more subtle than any music composed in my own century... it is pure interval music, this fugue, and I love it beyond any other.").

You depend too much on external validation, but then criticize others for pushing you over. Why do you need to tell me you can write well? If you know you do, then my opinion is irrelevant. But wait, let me manipulate you a bit: you will please me if you write with serious attention about what you really feel and experience, even if you have to devolve into four year old toddler babble to get it out. Be authentic, don't hide yourself behind some fake discourse where you cast yourself as some jaded cynic.

If you accepted and admitted your real needs, you would be much more autonomous, and harder to be moved around. People would then be able to rely on your solidity, and play with you, instead of playing you. People who know what they want can't be easily manipulated. Of course, it's still important to get a job (that's why I said a fourth of your time, not all of it), but this is so important that you should really put serious effort into it (hence the fourth, and not just one or two hours per week). Spend an entire day or two per week totally concentrated on this issue, and see how far you can go.