(This isn't about relationship problems, even though lower, I talk a lot about my boyfriend. Its pure inadequacy in everyday life. Its poorly written and put together. Its hard for me to write intelligibly when I'm upset about personal problems like this.)
I haven't ever posted here, not even a comment. I'm too worried to. This'll be a very long post, so I'll get right down to my problems though..
No one pays me attention. I always hear complaints from girls about creepers being creepy to them, usually pedophiles, and old men, and things like that. Even otaku girls who seem unattractive. I never have that thing happen to me. Not even online. Sure, I don't go out and be a whore, but i thought that pedophiles like the young innocence and what not.
I always thought I was a very average looking girl.. Well when I was younger I was very ugly. Very ugly and obese. I was very nice though.. I was polite and god damn pleasant. When i grew up and my face matured a little, I thought I've gotten prettier. My fat has turned mostly into curves and I found out I was obese from a medical condition, and we start giving me medicine for it soon, and so I'll be in pretty good shape.
I was always sort of jealous about people who have other people talk to them. My parents would always tell me it was because I was quiet and shy, and thats why no one approached me. So i started to try to be more social. Recently I did that as well. I sat next to someone in my karate class and was going to try to strike up a conversation.. I was called weird.
When I was in elementary school, I had a lot of friends. But I wasn't any of their best friends. They always had someone ahead of me in the ranks. I realize now that I'm older, no matter in what medium, that's what its like for me. I'm second fiddle or worse. I'm no one's #1.
My parents like my brother more, I was never my boyfriend's best friend (well maybe now) because he always liked other girls and would talk to them so much more than me even though he says he never was like.. with any of them. I don't have many friends now at all. I consider a girl I know my only friend, and think about her during lulls in my day. She doesn't even realize this though. She has friends in real life, and even closer friends online. Online friends other than me. The thing that kills me is my boyfriend though. Its immature to be jealous of old messages, but when you see girls flirting and him flirting back, and you remember "I thought we were best friends back then.. not them.." it kills me.
I daydream and read manga and watch anime, and even lurk around on here. I see things about liking otaku girls, or just plain nerdy girls. I know for a fact no one thinks about me in the lull of their day. I know no one is bored and looks through their contact list and sees my email and thinks "I wonder what her life is like right now." I do these things. For many people. It kills me to know that no one even thinks about me once in a while. I dream for the day a boy actually tells me he likes me. Or a girl for that matter.
Yes I have a boyfriend and I'm happy with him.. It makes me happy with each compliment he gives me. But I know that half of the things he says to me are just to comfort me. He always says how I'm a little chubby but he likes that because I'm cuddly. Well, a few days ago I said I was going to get some medicine that should help me lose weight. He was so happy it killed me. He sends me mixed messages like that, and so what I have to do is assume what he likes. He says he likes my dull dark brown hair, but I know he wants me to have black hair. All of his crushes and friends that he was best friends with had black hair. When I bring up getting lowlights, or just dying it black, he gets sad/mad at me. I know he wants a skinny, black haired latino girl but I'm just a "cuddly" pale, dark brown haired, irish girl.
My boyfriend would always say how he was "forever alone" and stuff like that. I thought "Maybe he's like me" which is partially why I tricked him into being my boyfriend. Yes, I say tricked, because he didn't want to even after the 5th time I asked. I finally convinced him and he didn't even like me back then. He would watch his ecchi anime instead of spend time with me. He loves Kuroneko and Mio and he watched some sort of anime with nekos everywhere and it kills me to think of that. Him and I agreed that cheating isn't just physical. Adultery is a sin. A sin is anything you think, say, or do. So him fapping to other girls breaks my heart. But theres no way to stop him. He says he changed now, but I have no proof. His internet is fast enough to download a series within an hour, and then he can watch it when I'm not around. Oh, yeah, we're a mostly online couple. We've visited each other though.. He spent 3 months with me and my family, over the holidays. so he has plenty of time where I'm not there. I know being jealous of anime is dumb and immature, but look at it my way. If you had a girl you really liked and she said she liked you and would not like anyone else, and then you find out she has a ton of Justin Bieber photoshopped to be naked, or shota everywhere.. I mean.. That'd upset you a little.. right?
Back to the forever alone thing I brought up. He would always say that, and thats how I felt. But he was anything but. All of his friends were girls. He liked about half of them, and some of them uglier than me. They all had darker skin and black hair. His online friends were quite similar. There was a girl I knew back when I was 12. Brittany. I liked her then. But years passed, I was 14. I met my boyfriend. My boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours, and I would always hang out together and have a great time on the netz. Then Brittany came back. Our mutual friend knew her as well. Well, Brittany started to replace me. She wasn't that pretty and she was really mexican and I thought she was annoying because she was always "randum!!! XD" and always flirting with my friend who wasn't my boyfriend yet. They started to become the magnificent trio. The trio I was a part of. But a trio isn't 4. and her and I didn't click right. Oh but I guess they all did. So theres a perfect example as to why I feel like I never get attention. This is just one of many. Heres another.
Once, I decided to ask my boyfriend to show me the torrents he was downloading. I told him "Please dont delete any.. I dont mind if you have hentai on here or anything." and so he said "I promise I won't delete anything." And so he showed me his torrent list. Taking a screenshot as it went down. I noticed the "all torrent" number went down by two. I calmly said "What did you delete?" and he was like "What?" being all innocent. I told him "You deleted two torrents. What were they?" and he said "What makes you think that?" and I said "The total number of torrents. It went from 50 down to 48. I'm not dumb." and it turned into a huge production, but it was HIS fault.. right? I mean you can't promise me the truth, and then lie and act innocent. I have trust issues. All of my previous boyfriends cheated on me. All of them. So I have huge problems with people lying to me. Anyway, this isn't even the thing that upset me that much.
Two days after, I was still sad because he lied to me over something so small and trivial. I didn't see why he did it. Was it the rush? And he gave me an external harddrive, that still had stuff from his computer on it.. And I looked through his school assignments that were on it. I found one that was basically a fanfic of him and one of his schoolmates. It broke my heart because we were together and there he was thinking about her that way, and I know for a fact no one would ever write such a thing about me.. I mean my last hope was him writing that about me. So once I saw he wouldn't even think about me and it was always other people.. I mean its obvious no one would ever. He detailed every single "beautiful" feature of hers. How her thin hand curled around the side of the desk. How her slim, smooth, tan legs were nestled under the desk. God damn.
I havent even said half the things I want to, but I've been typing for a long time and the ends of my fingers are numb, and I'm getting more upset as I write this, so I'll leave it like this. If anyone wants more stories, don't be afraid to post..
Am i really asking for so much here?
I just want someone to want me. I want someone to let the thought of me slip into their mind every once in a while. Maybe stalk my page on facebook, or stalk me, or fap imagining me. Anything.
I just want someone to want me.
Your boyfriend sounds pathetic.
He's really not.. He's a really good guy. Like I said, he says he changed and I think he has changed. He's really nice and he's nerdy and supportive of me.
We're fit for each other now, but when i think about the past it makes me sad, you know? I just wish I was more to him back then. He just had higher priorities.
I don't know, he just seems kind of dishonest. As far as your lack of attention, it might just be that your perspective is wrong. Lots of girls think they're ugly, or at least say they do. Is this just another teenaged girl who knows she's pretty and posts for attention?
If you've spent any time browsing this board you should realize that most all of us don't have anybody who really pays attention to us. You should try to find other ways to feel good about yourself. Things that don't rely on the opinions of others. It doesn't matter if you are attractive, it's not healthy to rely on the praise and attraction of others.
I guess everyone is dishonest once in a while.. I trust him more than anyone, despite all that's happened. He just had priorities mixed up and didn't realize I should've been more important.
I really don't try to feel this way.. I just see normals everywhere and it makes me just feel really inadequate. Like.. whats so wrong with me. You're right that its very unhealthy to be thinking this way. I can't help it though. Everyone seems to have had some sort of creeper after them. Why don't pedophiles try to talk to me? I look young enough.. but I guess theres something else wrong with me.
Most teenage girls think this way too, which makes me mad at them. They don't even realize how they make people with actual problems look. Ever since I was little, I've been so 'shy' (mostly just self conscious) around people I'd cry when my parents would force me to converse with people, including my family. It must be some sort of biological thing in my body.. right? I really have always disliked myself, mostly because my parents raised me to be morbidly obese. The amount of weight I've lost is what I lost myself, while they just called me lazy.
I have all the symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder, something i accidentally stumbled upon, but my parents tell me "everyone gets that way once in a while" when it clearly states that its "lifelong".. I guess my attitude as a child doesn't matter at all.
Anyway, if I was just another teenage girl wanting attention, I'd post in some awful place about this. Like 4chan or Facebook or Craigslist or where ever attention whores go.
I just feel awful about myself, and I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm pretty, or to flirt with me, or anything like that. Maybe just some advice or slight comfort. I don't know. The last thing I want is to be a girl who already knows she's pretty but says "im ugly i no XDDD!!"
Thanks for the replies.