When it boils down to honesty, and recognizing that there are many aspects to a situation, it takes me time to let myself realize I'm not the only one at fault. In short, my memories haunt me and plague me. I become fixated on guilt and blame of myself in situations where I'm in pain.
People who are close to me, and even people U just work with, or have went to school with, comment upon how I'm hard on myself. Yes, I know this, it isn't a secret. But I don't know how to use my intellect to reason why my emotions shouldn't dictate to me how to feel.
I'm recently married, 2 weeks yesterday. A month after my then-boyfriend (now husband) got together, I went home to see my family and friends (home is 3 hrs away from where I live now). One of my friends claims himself to be gay ... I'm not so sure anymore. We've cuddled before and there were definitely weird vibes about it. But me being me, I defended my friends honor/character by saying hey, he's just very touchy-feely or something stupid like that, because I trust my friends.
Well, I sent a text to this gay friend when I was home that said, "YOU'RE GONNA GET SOME PUSSY TONIGHT!" ... purely as a joke, the intentions were meant to be for humor. I don't even remember how he replied. But when he arrives at the bar, he kind of showed me affection by coming behind me and choking me a bit, which was weird.
Later I go to my friends place, they were all roommates, and we chill for a bit. Then they go to bed and I go to my gay friends room to chill and cuddle. I guess this is naive? I don't know. But he really got too touchy feely. I felt uneasy the entire time. It got to a point where he got too close to my face, got a boner, and tried to get me to touch it (I pulled away) ... after an hr I was just like "I can't do this" and went home.
It's been almost a year since this shit happened, my husband knows all the details (which I've left out because the situation is just fucking embarrassing, I feel emotionally raped). He has forgiven me. And I should forgive myself, but it's really hard. It goes away for a while and then it comes back.
This isn't the first time a "gay" guy has come onto me, either. One time prior a gay guy told me he'd go straight for me. What the FUCK? GAY MEANS YOU LIKE FUCKING OTHER DUDES. Seriously? When I trust that a friend tells me they're gay, I don't expect them to take advantage of my trust like that. Clearly I've learned the only person I'm going to cuddle would be my husband, but we were a fresh new couple at that time and I didn't think it'd be a big fucking deal, BECAUSE MY FRIEND WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GAY AND I TRUSTED THAT.
What I need help with is coping with this emotional violation. If my husband knows about this, has forgiven me, and wants me to forget about it and not worry about it (since nothing sexual even happened anyway), how do I just let it go? I'm the type that's really hard on myself and I feel blame and guilt like they're my middle names ...
You really need to get out and try new things.
Maybe what you need for closure is an apology from that one "gay" friend. He owes you that.