Hi. I came here for catharsis.

I'm 21 years old and I live in USA (southern California.) I'm a college student and I have a part time job.

Yesterday, a teacher, coworker, and somebody on the public transit bus said I looked miserable, and asked what was wrong.

I'm failing my algebra 2 class, and my ability to pass relies on my next test grade. The test is in a week.

My speech class has a presentation "on myself" due on the same day. I have at least 6 hours of math homework and a 2-page essay due on that day, too (essay isn't so bad, but I am totally lost with this math, makes me feel dumb.)

My younger sister, aged 13, has been in and out of mental hospitals for being suicidal. I try and help her, because there was a time in my life that I felt the same way. I tell her talking with people is the best way to solve internal problems like that. I try to make her feel open with talking to me and our parents about it. She doesn't care, she says talking doesn't help, and she tells me I'm just wasting my time.

I have been feeling feelings for this girl who lives in a different country. I haven't seen what she looks like or anything. I just talk to her, and she and I have very similar interests. She's more wonderful than I would ever expect a person to be. I have a hunch she's in love with somebody else, and I have a hunch I'm creeping her out by talking to her as much as I do. I've been talking to her a little bit less lately. I've also been imagining myself getting horribly rejected by her so I feel less like thinking about her all the time. It doesn't really work.

My best friend on the internet as picked up cross dressing, and I told him (and meant it) that he doesn't look bad at all. So the next day he tells me he's giddy that I thought so, and he tells me we should just start being monogamous. I wish I could give in, I really do. Nobody's ever told me that they like me like that before. He's my best friend, and I love him (I could easily love him like that.) Problem is, I'm straight and I'd like to have kids someday. I'd also like to have as few sexual partners as possible in my life, I strongly feel that would make relationships that I'm in more meaningful that way. I don't want to start going to bed with him, then ditch him for a girl if I ever find one. I don't want to just stay with him because then I'll never have a kid. Just the thought of that makes me feel horrible.

I am upset by my inability to relate to any of my peers here in the USA. Everybody I meet on a daily basis seems to unknowingly partake in consumer culture/achievement culture. People tend to define themselves by what they own and what they do, rather than what they think, feel, or believe. It's very lonely talking to people like that, and not many people my age aren't like that. I'm also upset by the state of politics in this country, and the obscene cost of living and education that I'm only just starting to have to pay for. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I feel like happiness is one of the houses I pass by on my routine bike ride to work.