dread (5)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2012-10-25 21:51 ID:6ZS8VoLA

Hi. I came here for catharsis.

I'm 21 years old and I live in USA (southern California.) I'm a college student and I have a part time job.

Yesterday, a teacher, coworker, and somebody on the public transit bus said I looked miserable, and asked what was wrong.

I'm failing my algebra 2 class, and my ability to pass relies on my next test grade. The test is in a week.

My speech class has a presentation "on myself" due on the same day. I have at least 6 hours of math homework and a 2-page essay due on that day, too (essay isn't so bad, but I am totally lost with this math, makes me feel dumb.)

My younger sister, aged 13, has been in and out of mental hospitals for being suicidal. I try and help her, because there was a time in my life that I felt the same way. I tell her talking with people is the best way to solve internal problems like that. I try to make her feel open with talking to me and our parents about it. She doesn't care, she says talking doesn't help, and she tells me I'm just wasting my time.

I have been feeling feelings for this girl who lives in a different country. I haven't seen what she looks like or anything. I just talk to her, and she and I have very similar interests. She's more wonderful than I would ever expect a person to be. I have a hunch she's in love with somebody else, and I have a hunch I'm creeping her out by talking to her as much as I do. I've been talking to her a little bit less lately. I've also been imagining myself getting horribly rejected by her so I feel less like thinking about her all the time. It doesn't really work.

My best friend on the internet as picked up cross dressing, and I told him (and meant it) that he doesn't look bad at all. So the next day he tells me he's giddy that I thought so, and he tells me we should just start being monogamous. I wish I could give in, I really do. Nobody's ever told me that they like me like that before. He's my best friend, and I love him (I could easily love him like that.) Problem is, I'm straight and I'd like to have kids someday. I'd also like to have as few sexual partners as possible in my life, I strongly feel that would make relationships that I'm in more meaningful that way. I don't want to start going to bed with him, then ditch him for a girl if I ever find one. I don't want to just stay with him because then I'll never have a kid. Just the thought of that makes me feel horrible.

I am upset by my inability to relate to any of my peers here in the USA. Everybody I meet on a daily basis seems to unknowingly partake in consumer culture/achievement culture. People tend to define themselves by what they own and what they do, rather than what they think, feel, or believe. It's very lonely talking to people like that, and not many people my age aren't like that. I'm also upset by the state of politics in this country, and the obscene cost of living and education that I'm only just starting to have to pay for. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I feel like happiness is one of the houses I pass by on my routine bike ride to work.

2 Name: Anonymous Coward : 2012-10-27 08:09 ID:da304QzG

Algebra II? Isn't this remedial? Worst comes to worst, you skip around community college courses until you kick ass on your Algebra reqs. Suicidal ideation is a serious mental health issue, that as a young man who is not a psychiatrist nor psychologist, will not be fully apt to 'cure'. All you can offer is patient acceptance.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2012-10-27 12:25 ID:Heaven

I've been on one side or another of a lot of those problems, and though I can't offer any real advice seeing as I have yet to figure out how to cope with them myself, I can at least say to try not to give up. Even if everything goes wrong and it seems like you have nothing and nowhere to go, sometimes all it takes for things to get better is a little time. I know it probably sounds like I'm just spouting vapid nonsense, but it's what I tell myself when I feel like I have no hope. It doesn't help much, but every bit counts, right? I'm sorry I can't help more.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2012-10-27 17:32 ID:6ZS8VoLA

Yeah, I'm not giving up. When I was 18 years old or so, I basically figured that if I have two arms, two legs, and a brain, I can do good. Good things(making other people's lives easier somehow, or just working and donating to a charity, or long-term things like just being a good person)are things I could not do if I gave up. This keeps me going, but sometimes everything's just absurdly hard.

I guess you're right, I could probably just come back to this math later... It feels like something I should be able to to do right now, though. And yeah, I've stopped trying to get through to my sister, but it's pretty stressful just thinking about that situation.

Thanks for the responses guys. It helps to just communicate about it with somebody.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2012-10-28 01:30 ID:Heaven


I can definitely sympathize. Most of the time, even the most simple things feel impossibly difficult to me, and just going through the basic motions of everyday life has become a struggle. And watching all the 'normal' people around you go about their business as if it was the easiest thing in the world doesn't help. It's like they live in a completely different world than you where everything is simple and straightforward and everyone always has plenty of energy and motivation, isn't it? I don't know any solutions to the problem, but focusing on the things you know you can do and get enjoyment out of, like working for charity and whatnot, seems like a good idea to me~ In my experience, ruminating on negative things never helps. Just try to take things one step at a time and don't fixate on things out of your control. That's what I do, at least.

Also, I know how it is to feel inadequate because of trouble with school, but there's only so much any one person can do, yes? Success in school isn't synonymous with intelligence or general competency. The idea that it is has been indoctrinated in a lot of people, but there have been plenty of people who for whatever reason didn't participate in formal academia and ended up doing very well for themselves. Unless you want to go into a field like law or medicine where your GPA and alma mater matter a great deal when trying to find employment, there's no point in worrying too much if you don't pass every class the first time you take it, is there? Maybe instead you could focus on trying to get as much out of your time in school as you can, regardless of how well you do in any given subject?

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