How do you say mean things about people without talking behind their backs and without being rude? For instance, if you have a fat friend - do you tell them to their face that they are fat and disgusting?
"Hey, here's a yearly pass to <insert aerobics class>. Happy <whatever>!"
You could give them subscription to weight-watchers, but that's too blatant.
What if the friend is female and would catch on to such subtleties immediately?
>For instance, if you have a fat friend - do you tell them to their face that they are fat and disgusting?
Either you decide that the friendship will survive you being direct and to the point - then say "you're fat" and be done with it. No use in motormouthing the issue to death.
Or you reach the conclusion that it won't (good friendship!), then say nothing at all. No subtlety will help you then, anyways.
> I think the point is to let them know, without being rude.
What if the other person will regard the offered solution as an uncalled-for intervention into her personal life? Isn't that kind of a rude thing to do?
I am searching for a middle ground here. I think friendships, for the most part, are being kept alive by the fact that the friends don't tell each other everything they could. A lot of keeping a friendly relationship intact has to do with regarding the other person's feelings (like personal pride) and not inflict damage on that by selfishly exclaiming one's own opinions.
>I think friendships, for the most part, are being kept alive by the fact that the friends don't tell each other everything they could.
Then you should go with the "silent option" outlined in >>4.
Unless your friend is, in addition to being "fat and disgusting" (your wording), also a dim-witted dullard, s/he will catch on with what you say anyways, no matter how baroquely or subtly you furnish your hints.
I think that you need to leave the disgusting bit out. How'd you react if someone told you you were ----- and disgusting?
All you need to do is to be intelligent and very sarcastic.
> What if the other person will regard the offered solution as an uncalled-for intervention into her personal life?
a) You're her friend, right? By default this means you're already a part of her personal life.
b) If she considers even something like this rude, I think you're answered your own question. Like bubu says, don't say a thing.
Come to think of it, >>7 summarizes it nicely.
BTW, I think the silent option applies for most women.
Women don't forget. I can't count the number of times that I said something totally offhand and harmless, and they'd mention it a week later. It's always one of those "Oh my god, this? Now?" moments.
If you're determined to make her lose weight, the best you can do is do a lot of sport yourself, and always drag her along. Pick something you both like. Don't take no for an answer. You're not telling her she's fat, you just like her company. And don't tell her she needs to lose weight... she won't forget.
Of course, exercise and proper diet go hand-in-hand, so be prepared to cook for her too. I guess this option only applies if the relationship is intimate.
>>11
You might just string-replace "women" for "people" and be even more right.
I've come to the conclusion that such "clever" ruses, just like sarcasm, subtlety, ... rarely work out. Best thing they can do is bite you in the ass later. Watch her run and diet you to death in 6 months! Happy hellfire! Alternatively, she might just get tired of running, dieting, and you, and enter the forests (quit).
If it's something else, something that can be fixed easily, and they might not be aware of the problem... in that case you should probably tell them.
>>12
While I agree with what you say, I'd like to point out I'm not so sure about people in general. I don't have to watch my words around guys. If they don't like it, they'll say, "fuck you too", and that's that. If they really don't like it, we both walk away with bruises, and that's that. The only time it comes back is if you're in a work environment, and they have an agenda.
Most women though... they'll smile, be happy, etc. And then a day, week, or even month later, wham out of the blue... "Hey, do you really think that <insert comment>?" As I said, I've lost count of the number of times that's happened. I can't remember the last time that happened with a guy.
If a girl is overweight, she'll know. She doesn't want you to tell her. And I really do think >>1 should go exercise and cook properly if the girl is important to him. What's the worst that can happen? He won't be a fat fuck either. Makes finding other women easier if he decides to do so.
>>14
Yeah. Most women who have an ounce of fat spent a lot of their daily life agonizing about it.
Even the ones without an ounce of fat on them that puke every meal up agonize, too.
I think you must ride the fine line between insult and ignorance. Say something you know will be insulting in such a way that others believe you said it out of ignorance.
And how about female friends?
Sometimes its like freakin hard to say ANYTHING at all to them. One day you can make fun of them on this. The next day they get all pissed off with you.
Or how girls can make fun of you as a guy but not vice versa.
And how about compliments? If you as a friend to to her "Wow you look pretty in that dress" she either takes that as crossing the line or something.
I insulted my friend's girlfriend by accident by insisting that she was like my mother. This implies that I don't find her at all attractive.
>>19
Not that I know much about complimenting, but I'd say you've got appear sincere, otherwise you're just trying to get into her pants.