Hi there, Secret Admirers.
I am a woman in my first relationship ever. We are one another's first relationships and we are also the first people either of us have ever kissed in a romantic way before. We started dating about three years ago and we kissed for the first time in April. (I realize how unorthodox that sounds, but that's how it is. We were friends for a long time, both secretly with the intention of having a relationship together, but we were/are both very shy and remained platonic for a long time before I broke my silence and admitted that I was in love with him and received reciprocation back in March.)
Unlike the progression of our relationship, since the first peck on the cheek back in April, our kissing has evolved pretty quickly I'd say. We've gone from pushing the sides of our faces together in a hug as we parted to quickly kissing on the cheeks, to gently and briefly kissing on the lips to, rather recently, making out and exchanging saliva on the couch, and just tonight we kissed for what felt like ten minutes and his tongue entered my mouth for the first time, even if it was a relatively quick dart.
I love kissing him and I love being kissed by him, and the passionate lip mashing and suctioning and tongue action are all good things, but every time we've kissed passionately in the half a dozen times or so that we have, he's dominated the act and I don't like everything he's doing but don't know how to coax him out of it nor how to respond to his advances appropriately. There is no "fault" here a lot of this is to be chalked up to mutual inexperience, but I don't know how to wrangle his lips or exactly what to be doing with mine or my tongue to make it better.
Things I don't like include the fact that kissing him can get repetitive, messy, and harsh. When we kiss, he often repeats the same motions over and over again, even when I start varying things. He seems to open and close his lips over mine a lot, sometimes moving mine with them, and sometimes holds both of our mouths open with his lips tightly pressed against mine. Even when I try to do something new like suck on his bottom lip or graze his individual lips with my tongue, he never follows suite or changes what he's doing. How can I get him to follow my lead? And what other things could I be doing to vary the motions and be more spontaneous?
The messiness is a little off putting, and I'd like to know if having the area around your mouth painted with saliva after making out is normal. I get a lot of his spit in my mouth, which is ok, but is it supposed to be so much? I get the urge to wipe my face as we're making out, but I can't. Perhaps I'm just not used to the sensation. And for all I know, it could be something I am doing that's making the "mess."
The harsh part stems from the couple of times he's kissed me and pressed his lips so hard against mine it's like he wants our faces to physically merge into one. It doesn't exactly hurt, but I don't like it, especially when he holds me in place with a hand on the back of my head.
He is gentle with me, whispers loving things to me, and very obviously cares about me, but when we make out it leaves me wishing I had a bit more experience under my belt. I don't have any complaints about him per se, but I do wonder if what I've described sounds common or if I have some legitimate reasons to want to change things some. If anyone can provide insight into the issues I've listed or provide any general kissing tips, I'd be very grateful.
Thanks, /love/.
initiate a kiss, say you want to be gentle if he starts being rough!
What >>2 said, but allow me to elaborate:
Your comments about his kissing remind me of my own girlfriend complaints. I guess he finds you so cute that he gets a bit carried away, like if one was tasting a delicious ice cream. But even if he finds you cute, you are not a toy and have your own tastes and needs. It's important that you assert them, not only so that you enjoy kissing, but so that he also has a chance to learn more about yourself.
This kind of pulling and stretching each other's needs is crucial to create a good chemistry within a couple, and the exact same thing will happen when you start having sex. In that sense, kissing and sex are pretty much the same thing, except that for sex the stakes are much higher. That is why a good kisser will have less trouble getting laid, and also why people don't like seeing their SO kiss someone else. In any case, it would be good that you learn mutual communication on the kissing issue, that will facilitate things down the road.
One thing that really helps enhancing communication within a couple is to take dancing lessons together. In salsa, the man leads the woman with very light pressure of the hands and posture. All the communication goes through the body, you won't see salsa dancers talking about their next move, everything flows smoothly through body talk. In dance, communication failures in body talk are immediately obvious, because the dance becomes clumsy, so your can't miss or hide the issues. Since it's only dancing, it's also easier to laugh it out, and not feel vexed about it. Even better, you can exchange partners and understand what YOU are doing wrong, instead of just focusing on your partner's shortcomings. It's sometimes hard to convince guys to take dance classes, which is really stupid, good dancers really have no trouble getting laid, woman understand that someone who dances well with them will probably have good sex with them. This is probably not what you want to advertise to convince your boyfriend, but it will really benefit your relationship if you both learn to communicate via body talk.
One advantage of kissing (and sex) over dancing is that you can - and should - talk while doing it, when something is not working for you, or if you want something you are not getting, and body talk is not working. Talk is fine during kissing and sex, not so much while dancing. So by all means talk to your boyfriend, don't rely on his telepathic skills, he has none. Of course, be sensitive and patient, if you spend your time giving him instructions he may lose confidence and spontaneity. But do assert yourself, that is crucial for a relationship's health.
The worst in a relationship is someone who does not communicate her needs and tastes, and actually fakes an orgasm, to hide the issues. This gives no chance to the guy of learning about her, and he will feel cheated and abused, when he realizes the truth. Of course, a girl faking orgasms going out with a guy who does not care for the woman's needs is a recipe for disaster.
Back to your questions on kissing, use body talk to communicate your needs. If you want something, use your hands and posture to take the initiative. Your boyfriend is doing the same thing, when he holds the back of your head. When something is not working, don't hesitate to openly talk about it. This will sometimes bruise someone's ego, but things can only last if you learn to communicate. Be patient, adjusting to each other's needs takes time and generosity. Also, even when you get used to one another, new hiccups will happen, as people evolve and grow. You have to keep an open mind, and be ready to try new things, while keep asserting your needs and tastes, so that the relationship grows organically and remains authentic.
Happy kissing!
Thank you! There's a lot to consider there.
The biggest thing I took away from your advice is the importance of body language, and I put it into practice last night. I realized that I was being stiff and mechanical with my body, nervous and self conscious. I made an effort to loosen up and just move as my body wanted to move in response to what was occurring between us and in response to his body and actions, and it was a very, very enjoyable experience.
We both spoke as we kissed, too. Many "I love yous", compliments, and admissions of feelings slipped out between lip locks and that played into the postures we assumed as well.
When the kissing got too intense, I simply pulled away and kissed him on the nose or worked my way down the side of his face and neck and then went back to his mouth. It seemed to be pleasant for both of us.
One thing I didn't do that I will do in the future is verbally reinforce what I like about his kissing technique to promote it when we do kiss. It's an ego-boosting form of critique, and it's better than phrasing it "do this, not that" or "I hate it when you do that".
He commented that "we're getting good at this" and I realized that it's a mutual venture we're going on, and we'll both "get better" and adapt and try new things over time. It feels good to think it's going to evolve over time and that it will evolve for both of us simultaneously.
We had to stop "making out" when his cat started throwing up right behind us. It was too difficult to concentrate and not fall apart laughing as we realized what she was doing. We took it as a review of our performance. Perhaps that cat will be our barometer from here on out.
Thanks for your advice. While dance lessons may not be on the horizon, it's something to think about as we try to perfect our efforts. Thanks again!!
>>4
Glad it helped. Looks like his cat is much too sensitive to stand human displays of affection, poor fellow ^_^
yall both need a practice.