Nothing like using an anonymous board to talk about something personal that's plaguing you. And you'd better believe it when I tell you that this one is a doozy. And it is something that has followed me for a very long time.
I should tell you first that life is pretty good. I'm out of school, and I have a great job, wonderful friends, and a nice relationship with my family. I've completed two books that are in the process of being published. I don't have a lot of money, but I also don't have a lot of wants or expenses, so that balances out. So, long story short, my needs are pretty much met, and life is good.
But that's not the problem. The problem is that I think I'm crazy. But not crazy as in "Take a gun out and shoot someone" crazy or "Sit in the corner drolling and babbling incoherently" crazy. No, this is a far stranger type of insanity. And far more subtle.
You see, for a very long time, I've heard voices in my head. Yes, actual schizophrenic, multi-personality, crazy-person voices. And that's only the start of what's been happening, but it's enough to talk about for now. My closest friends know about this, but everytime the conversation comes up, I immediately panic and stop talking about it. It's just too scary for me to discuss. And even now I find myself hemming and hawing over how I want to explain this.
Okay, so yes, I believe that I might be schizophrenic. The main distinction between myself and, say, a "normal" schizophrenic, however, is what I hear. When I hear about people with this disease, I hear about people that get into screaming matches with themselves or get "told" to jump off of a building because they can fly, or that their peers are plotting against them. There's nothing like this, here.
When I hear the various "things" that talk to me (all part of myself and my own personality, I know, but let me explain this in my own way), they say nothing but good things to me. They don't "tell" me to do something, or that I shouldn't trust anybody. They simply explain things, in a common sense sort of way. I hear things that make me stronger, kinder, and even braver than I had ever been before. It's almost as if my conscience, or perhaps just my intuition has been given a voice and personality all of its own. (Disney is gonna sue somebody!)
Now, I want to clear one thing up right now: it's not drug-related. I don't take ANY mind-altering drugs. I don't even take cough syrup if it causes drowsiness. Hell, I hardly even use Ibuprofrin unless I have a RAGING headache, an event that occurs maybe once every 4 months or so.
But, getting back to my original point, here's what I mean. Say for instance a friend of mine is feeling angry about something. Now, I say to myself, "Why would he be angry?" And this voice comes back, unbidden, "He's having a relationship problem. He's frustrated about a girl that he likes." So, I go off of that and start asking him about these things, and sure enough, the advice was dead-on.
Okay, that's a very basic example (practically a horoscope in its generality), but I'm still struggling with this, and I don't want to give everything away. It's very hard to open up, even anonymously, about something this deep.
So, basically, let's just say for the purposes of this discussion that I have this group of "imaginary friends" that talk to me all the time. Sometimes I'll hear one of them just out of the blue. Other times I have to really concentrate and "call" them. And I DO end up calling them, because I like to hear their voices. They tell me a lot of things, too. They tell me about life. They tell me why people think the way they do. They give me a feeling of empathy with even people that I normally can't stand to be around, to the point where I can't HELP but see why they think the way they do. It makes me understand other people, and from that understanding comes a feeling of closeness. I get along better with everyone around me than I ever did as a child, and I'm a better, stronger person for it.
(Continued below)
(Part 2)
But being a rational, sensible person, I need to understand why this is happening. On a conscious level, I know that these voices - no matter WHAT they say that I myself hadn't noticed on my own - HAVE to belong to me. They MUST be part of my own psyche; another group of "personalities" that are separate from my conscious mind. But that's not what, in my heart of hearts, I believe. It's like a battle between the rational and the irrational.
And more to the point, I don't WANT to get rid of them. Whether they exist or are just part of my own mind, if those voices were suddenly silenced, I feel like I'd be losing a very special part of myself. Something that makes me who I am. Maybe that just doesn't make sense. I don't know. But I also worry that if I continue down this delusional path of self-deception, I wouldn't be facing reality. I wouldn't be truly making an effort to understand who I am. And of course, there's always a chance (and this is where the real insanity comes into play) that the voices that I hear are something more, and by attempting to silence them I would be doing myself a complete disservice. Because even now, the "things" are speaking to me, and what they're saying isn't something like "YOU'RE WRONG! WE'RE ALL REAL!" They're not trying to get me to second-guess myself. They're saying, "Go ahead. Find out what we are. It's alright." In other words, even as I question them, they're still reassuring and helping me.
Man, I just don't know what to do.
Can't say I get the voices in my head explaining what's what, but I wouldn't mind that kind of ability. I think you should just accept it, learn to deal with it and just be rational with it. No big deal, we all have secret mind stuff that we keep to ourselves.
>>2
Ever seen Fight Club? ;)
More seriously, I don't think this is really abnormal, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I also kind of have many voices in me, like when I'm about to do something stupid, one "inner voice" is telling me to not do it, and another may be encouraging me. But I don't notice these as seperate voices, it's just something in the back of my mind. You might just be more sensible to this.
Thank you for your advice so far. If I'm not mistaken, then, you're saying I shouldn't be upset about this? Well, that does make me feel a little better. I guess if I'm not being hurt by what I hear, it's not such a bad thing. Still, I think that this is going to require a lot of soul-searching on my part in order to get some answers. I guess I just want to make sure that I'm not deluding myself.
And you know, it's strange, but I'm beginning to wonder more and more about what this really is. I mean, I've always wondered, but lately I've been actively seeking out the answers. As such, I've been doing a lot of reading on schizophrenia symptoms, and except for hearing voices, I don't seem to be exhibiting any of them.
For instance, schizophrenic people get upset when their delusion is challenged. I practically invite such challenges, and continue to question what I hear myself. In addition, schizophrenic people tend to be unemotional and unreactionary, or contrarily overemotional or overreactionary. I personally think that this would be the LEAST of my problems, as I love to go out and do things, hang out with friends, play DDR or whatever other games we might happen to be playing, and just be a part of what's going on.
Also, the people I've read about with the disease are almost always at the command of the "voice" inside their head, when in my case, it's just the opposite. The voices shut up when I tell them to, and are usually around only when I need them. In other words, I can "shut them off," if the need arises. This is a distinction that is both noteworthy and a relief, in terms of my own self-analysis.
In addition, my "hallucinations," as one could medically describe this, are limited ONLY to the voices. I never see, smell, or feel anything that isn't there. So I've got that going for me. But the voices are clear as a bell. Not so clear as to drown out anything else around me, but clear enough so I can always understand what's being said.
So, I guess the real questions I'm facing now are A: if it's not schizophrenia or multiple personalities, then what is it? and B: should I try and STOP these voices from "contacting" me, or should I just enjoy their presence and accept them as a part of myself?
Wow, I get the same thing! I've even named a few of my voices. They're nice and friendly too. Sometimes they've appeared in my nightmares and saved me from "dying" in my dream.
I wouldn't want my voices to go away. :(
>>2
To me you seem quite normal, maybe even gifted with a vivid imagination. Your inner voices appear to be quite rational and a source of insight into other ppl and the tings that motivates their behaviour. Its a good thing and nothing to worry about. However, you might worry that the voices will weaken with time and offer less speciffic advice, leaving your concious self with the added burdon of detecting and analysing signs and signals, bouth concious and unconcious, that most ppl around you are constantly sending out.
I agree, your voices are probably a good thing. Do they help you with your novels? If so, perhaps if they go away you won't have the awsome talent to write. In greek times everyone would have thought that they are muses....
Thanks everyone for everything you've said. You know, I think I've still got a lot of personal investigation and soul-searching to do, but it's nice to know that this doesn't seem to be that big of a problem, anymore. In fact talking about this here had made me feel so much better about it that I finally sat down and had a serious conversation with my friend about this, and he said much the same thing as what has been said here. I feel satisfied and I'm already feeling so much more like my old self; more than I ever would have thought before.
I guess we've all got our strangeness in one way or another. And I suppose that if this particular example serves to help me, then I owe it to myself, as someone who always desires self-improvement, to continues observing and understanding what the things I hear mean. I think this could serve as an incredible learning experience one way or another.
In response to a few specific replies:
>>4: Believe it or not, no, I've never seen Fight Club. Did I accidentally reference the movie, or was that in and of itself a reference to something?
>>6: Wow, that's pretty cool. Nice to know that I'm not entirely alone on this.
>>7: That's always a fear with ANY ability someone develops. We all fear losing our abilities at one time or another. But if we let ourselves be crippled by the fear that we might not be able to do something later on in life that we can do now, we wouldn't be taking full advantage of the things we CAN do. And besides, since this has always been at the core of my being, I'm not very afraid of losing it. But maybe that's because I tell myself not to be afraid.
>>8: I couldn't agree more, especially in reference to myself at the moment. Care to elaborate, though? (^_^)
>>9: You know, I never really thought one way or another about it. I don't THINK that I've been spoken to about the books I've written, either during or afterward, by these voices, but then again, I never really paid much attention. It's funny, but when I'm writing, I usually focus incredibly deeply and tend to disregard all distractions.
That said, there's always a chance that one of them said something to me and I just simply didn't notice. A real non-answer, I know, but I hadn't really thought about it. That's a very interesting chain of thought, though. Something to give consideration to among many other things, at any rate. Thanks!
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Rot13'd for minimal spoilage.
If you really want, you could also read about the Plot in wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight_Club_%28film%29#Plot ).
Or, you could watch the film (Hint: Do that, it's awesome).
I'm glad you are still thinking about it. Why? because it wasn't just some random thing you thought to post. Let us know how it is going with the soul searching ^.^.
I have to admit, your post was very articulate. You know exactly what you are talking about and know how to say it. I really hope that what ever you disconver, about yourself and/pr the voices, are only good things. good luck!
I think you are just a little schizoid, but have a strong sense of conscience. If the voices ever start to bother you, or other things start happening that are not normal, it is probably developing into more major schizophrenia, and you should see a psychologist (not a psychiatrist). But right now I would not worry.
What are you basing that on, >>13? I'm not saying that you don't have a point; I'm just curious.
Shoot. I forgot the password I used before. I think this is it. If not, screw it. This is >>1.
>>14
I'm not sure why I said that, I was just giving my own entirely baseless opinion. Usually I don't post on this forum. It's kind of weird that I wrote that actually.
Oh man how I would like voices in my head telling me good things and explaining stuff to me. It's a gift man, don't even worry about it. I'm hardly a proper Christian but yeah, this pastor I heard, J. John I think he's called, says he hear stuff and he attributes it to God and the Holy Spirit. Who knows, maybe you have the same sort of conduit. A friend of mine, she's not schizo but her 'guardians' would often tell her things she should know too.
So basically, take it to the top and use it for other people if you can.
here's what i would do:
1.research on schizophrenia over the internet
2.research mediumship over the internet, it may be people in the "afterlife" contacting you or guiding you, i believe it could be a "spirit guide"
3. check your family history, see if its genetic or anything, as
just finding more information about it could help you understand it better, and make your mind at ease
i wish you well, take care man.
have u considered consulting a psychiatrist?
if u do have schizophrenia, there are meds. it sucks to have any illness, mental or physical, but there are treatments so it is not the end of the world if u have schizophrenia. u should not feel shame bc it is not your fault, only a biological problem like diabetes and stuff.
do people around u see changes that trouble them? bc u may not see this view if u r mentally ill.
I say there's nothing wrong with the OP. Sure, having voices in your head sounds like a mental problem but most with the kind of mental problems that has voices in their heads usually is negative. If the voice is nothing but positive, I say it's a good thing. No need to understand why it's happening, just know that it does and use it for everyone's advantage. It's a gift if you recognize it for what it is
>>17: Good advice. I'm not particularly religious, but I suppose I might have a spiritual side to me. And who knows? Maybe this is my spiritual side's manifestation.
THAT'S a weird thought.
>>18:
1 - Already done. Plus I've looked up this sort of thing in medical guides and encyclopedia entries as well.
2 - Well, that would be intersting, but I have my doubts about that explanation. I personally rate mediums just one step above carnival sideshow attractions...
3 - Did this as well. Thankfully (or perhaps not so much), there is no family history as far as I've been able to find.
Thanks for your suggestions.
>>19: Actually, the funny thing is that most people I know seem to find me incredibly supportive and helpful. If there's a problem, they haven't seemed to notice it anymore than I do.
>>20: That is a very encouraging thought. And since I originally posted this topic a couple of months ago, I've tried to make the most out of it.
I'm still not quite certain how I should proceed with this, but I'm confident that I am a whole person. And if I have voices that tell me things, what of it? Joan of Arc did, too. And barring any sudden outbreaks of stake-burnings, I think I should be in the clear.
Once again, I thank you all for your input. As always, I've still got a lot to think about, but it's always encouraging to see such support for me with regards to such a strange issue.