I keep having destructive thoughts, without wanting to.
In many kinds of situations, a thought pops up in my mind on how to ruin it. For example, if someone is doing something that takes much effort to get it right, I find myself thinking about ways to make it fail. Even if it would benefit me if it would succeed. Maybe especially if it would benefit me.
Sometimes it takes a much more sinister form. I often have thoughts about hurting people, too. Especially those closest to me. It's very disturbing.
You probably know how something can suddenly become really interesting when you realize you shouldn't look at it. I have the feeling a similar mechanism is behind these thoughts. I don't want to think such things, and the fear of thinking them anyway creates them.
I would NEVER act upon these impulses. I have enough control over myself that I never would. And that is what I think in order to make such thoughts go away; realizing that I'm the one in control, and that it's never going to happen.
Losing that self-control is my greatest fear. I try to close my mind to the possibility, hoping the thoughts themselves might eventually go away that way.
I'm a compassionate person. I practically never get very angry at people. I never hate anybody. I would never harm anyone.
But I still find myself thinking about it.
I've never talked about this to anyone before. I'm afraid it would scare people, and make them think they're at risk.
Help me, please.
http://www.coping.org/anger/passive.htm
I think you have some kind of anger built up inside you and don't conciously know it. Have you thought about that?
>>2
That's an interesting analysis.
I don't think the description on that site applies to me, but thinking of this as a symptom of built up anger does make me feel somehow relieved, as if I finally know what the heck is wrong with me.
I wonder if this feeling will stay. My emotions can be very fickle, and I'm never sure if I'll feel the same way about the same thing at a different time. But next time I get thoughts like this, I'll think again about what you said, and see if it makes as much sense.
Why I don't this applies to me:
When I feel people do me injustice, I try to express that. If only to let them know how I feel about what they do. (Clarity is important to me. I hate misunderstandings.)
I'm not afraid of arguments or confrontations. Well, I'm not very good or experienced at taking a stand either, but I try my best. I don't avoid it.
I don't purposely lie to people, and I stick to the promises I make whenever I can. I feel bad when I break them.
I think I've been like this, though, when I was younger. I used to believe being angry is bad, and that I could never win a fight.
Maybe I'm still recovering from something like this.
>>2
Thank you, by the way. :)
Whether this is really the problem or not, you helped me understand myself a little better.
I'm intimately familiar with this feeling, but probably for different reasons. I'll throw it out there that you're curious rather than secretly malicious or spiteful. Think of examining the structure of a majestic building, then wondering how beautiful all its giant frames and many windows would be if they were to suddenly come crashing down, gliding through the air in mechanistic disorganization.
OP, what you have is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, (not to be confused with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is what "monk" has)
What happens is you have intrusive thoughts that are hostile in nature, and because you see them as horrible, you obsess over them and it makes you nervous. I do the exact same thing. The fact that you never have any desire to act upon these impulses are proof that they are just static and you shouldn't worry about them too much.
>>5
I'm quite sure that's not it.
>>6
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder#Violent_or_aggressive_thoughts
That's it. This describes exactly what I mean.
It's a great relief to hear that people who experience this rarely if ever act upon it.
Additionally, I think the "inappropriate sexual thoughts" paragraph might be somewhat related too, but that's fairly innocent. I only get urges to hug people I know sometimes.
Anyway, thank you. This is a huge help.
Now I wonder if there might be a way to get rid of this, besides maybe not worrying about it.
Wow i just discovered my husband and i suffer from that. TY! rly
It's called intrusive thoughts. My mother was abused by her boyfriends many times and as a result is totally fucked in the head. partially fucked for dating people like that in the first place. Everyone gets them, its just natural. Some get it a hell of a lot more than others.
Is it along the lines of if you see a baby in the stroller, in your mind you think about raping the baby multiple times and slamming its head into the curb?
If so, thats a normal thing to do. it happens to everyone. not a whole lot of people like to admit it though.
My family gets on my nerves a lot. It's not just the whole "oh yeah, families fight all the time." It's kind of different.
For example today as soon as I got home from school I fell asleep and when I woke up my parents were home. I was up maybe for five minutes and my mother started blaming me that I was the reason dinner was burned. Then she yelled at me for not knowing where my shoes were. Then she just yelled, made faces, and called me names that were uncalled for. To be honest, I had just woken up. I didn't say a single word until after she started yelling and they were just "yes" or "okay." I try to be respectful of my mother, but she's just so angry all the time, plus the fact that she hates me. Yes, my mother hates me; She wants me out of her life because I'm a "useless, worthless burden." It hurts a lot and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to punish myself for not being how they want me to be, other times I just want to snap back and yell at her. But that would be disrespectful and I just can't do that.
My family gets on my nerves a lot. It's not just the whole "oh yeah, families fight all the time." It's kind of different.
For example today as soon as I got home from school I fell asleep and when I woke up my parents were home. I was up maybe for five minutes and my mother started blaming me that I was the reason dinner was burned. Then she yelled at me for not knowing where my shoes were. Then she just yelled, made faces, and called me names that were uncalled for. To be honest, I had just woken up. I didn't say a single word until after she started yelling and they were just "yes" or "okay." I try to be respectful of my mother, but she's just so angry all the time, plus the fact that she hates me. Yes, my mother hates me; She wants me out of her life because I'm a "useless, worthless burden." It hurts a lot and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to punish myself for not being how they want me to be, other times I just want to snap back and yell at her. But that would be disrespectful and I just can't do that.