Lately I've felt like my life has hit a wall and nothing will change. I want to become a successful musician but I can't seem to get my ass in gear. I'm a 23 year old male, recently graduated from college. I suffer from clinical depression and have been taking medication for it since I was 18. I've also been seeing a therapist for about the same amount of time.
Over the past few years I definitely feel like I've changed for the better and have gained a lot of self-confidence. The thing is though I started out with absolutely none, so to get to this point has been a huge struggle. And now I feel like I've hit a plateau and am no longer able to change. As the years have gone by I've slowly become less ambitious, and I feel like I'm just getting by. Academically I did very well in high school but when I got to college I found myself falling behind and later becoming completely dissatisfied with my field of study, and now I've graduated with barely any prospects for the future. There are things I know I'd like to do but I can't get myself to work towards making them a reality. Every time I attempt to make progress I end up thinking that what I'm doing is no good and that I'll never truly accomplish anything.
As I said before, with the help of medication and my therapist I've really grown, but now I feel like neither of these things are helping. And I want to be able to look to myself to overcome my problems with fear and anxiety but they're such an ingrained part of my thought processes that I just can't seem to break free.
I know there's a vibrant, intelligent, outgoing person somewhere inside me, but it feels so buried underneath years of self-deprecation and disappointment with myself that it seems like I'll never become that person, and I'll never achieve what I want in life.
Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Should I change my medication and my therapist? Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Well first thing is step back and take a deep breath you came this far, so congratulate yourself. Next step decide what your next step is be as objective as you can. Do you have any supports to help you if you do then have them help push you. No matter how long it takes follow your dreams and never let them die, I've just started to pursue my dreams when I was 28. I'm going to continue following them and hopefully full fill them.
> Has anyone else dealt with something similar?
Yes.
> Should I change my medication and my therapist?
I imagine you've come to the limits of what modern pharmaceuticals can do. If your therapist has helped thus far, I'm sure she can continue to help. You may never be 'cured' of fear and anxiety, but you can continue to learn to deal with it better.
And always define success by your own standards.
I don't really have one...I guess I never really thought about who or what could be my muse.
I think that in the end if you let depression and anxiety own you it will. I suffered for years until I realized that a lot of it was caused by myself, negative thinking and bad habits.
I finally decided that enough was enough and chose a personal project to work on to improve myself. I chose to work to get fit and strong, and dedicated a lot of effort to it.
Even if I was feeling down that day I still managed to do at least one positive thing each day and slowly the number of down days dwindled
I saw results which were in proportion to the effort I put in and it was very gratifying. My confidence improved and I was able to start working on my other difficulties with a better state of mind.
Of course some of it had to do with the fact exercise is an excellent treatment for depression and anxiety but also because I was able to work on something and see myself achieve something and feel closer to my skin and the outside world.
One major point to make though is that a major side effect of some depression meds is loss of motivation and so these may be having a serious effect on completing your recovery.
>>5
op, come on now. You've been living for a while. There has got to be something that makes you excited. Name anything.
After reading your response I realized that I am in fact letting depression and anxiety own me. It's corny but I was watching this TV show and one of the characters told another, "you're only happy when you're suffering," and that's exactly how I feel.
I'm going to follow your advice and find a project that I can focus on. I suppose it should be working on my music, but it feels like that's more than I can handle at the moment. Hopefully I can work my way towards feeling able to tackle it.
I had to think about your question for a little while and figure out what it really meant to be "excited."
But after thinking about it I realized that what excites me more than anything else are cities. I love absolutely everything about them, and sometimes they're the only thing that makes me feel like life makes sense. When I was younger I used to go for walks through the city that lasted for hours just looking at and listening to everything around me. I really ought to start doing that again.
Thank you all for your advice. I really feel like I'm starting to regain some focus in my life.