>>3, >>4, I get the depression causing you to lock yourself off. It was different for me. [Long Story, scrollers may wanna skip to the next paragraph.] I went through the motions when people were looking, was a hard worker when people were looking, but a zombie whenever there was no one expecting something of me. I fell into the trap of failing high school, a situation not aided by my reaction of isolating myself or being over-reactive to my chaotic family. I actually got my 'step-father' to hate me through all of this. That's what I'm good at, provoking either apathy or anger. I got a reputation for being an oddity, not really a human. Even now, I'm a fuck-up, just trying for a job at this season and economy is insanity. Especially without references. Even though I'm alone in a city, looking for a job, with only a few distant people who give a damn, I feel better. Both from meds and trying to devote time to constructive projects I can tolerate living in a box with no one else. Pressure from others to get in gear begot more pressure driving me insane.

Now, with occasional trips to a clinical psychiatrist I feel better. Also, the hearing voices was hopefully, probably, not schizophrenia. If it was, and I'm schizophrenic, that's like a doom bell waiting to ring. I somehow don't worry about this state of being able to function (discontent yet able) ending. I will not allow myself to despair, and I will not worry about what others think. I find it difficult to focus and I am moody without the meds, and I simply feel balanced with them. I probably can phase out the meds by the time I'm actually prepared to put my brain to work. Everything will turn out. I gave up on the girls I couldn't get, the life I was living, everything in the past. Fine. But right now I have the time, energy, and inertia to actually make things happen.