(I know it's a long read, but feel free to skip the whole thing and only read the two-sentence tl;dr summary. It sums it up quite well.)
Hello, /love/.
I'm new to this place, but from what I've read here, I have the impression that you people are kind and understanding and give good advice. There's something I've been wanting to get off my chest for quite some time now, and I think this might be the right place to talk about it. Will you listen to my story?
I'm a twenty year old guy, and my romantic situation is quite simple. I, undoubtedly like many of you, do not have a lover and have never had one, and I, probably like some of you, do not think I will or should ever get into a romantic relationship.
Being a high functioning autistic, I have enough trouble even understanding casual friends and acquaintances, let alone a lover. I don't think any romantic relationship of mine would have a bright future. On top of that, I'm incredibly shy.
But that's not my problem. In fact, possibly unlike any of you, I'm fine with being alone. Or so I think, at least.
The complicated part is the solution that I have found to counter that dreaded feeling of loneliness. This is also the reason why I won't talk to people about this, save anonymously to people who have probably seen weirder things, because I'm afraid they'll consider me crazy for it.
I've always been a daydreamer. Eventually I started daydreaming about what it would be like to have a girlfriend. What she would be like, the romantic adventures that we would have together, the things we would talk about, the many ways we would find to express how much we love each other. This daydream is now so intricate and consistent that I now basically have an imaginary lover.
But unlike all those "I fill a rubber glove with warm water and hold it to pretend I'm holding hands with a girl ;_;" sob stories, I'm actually happy with this situation. I really am. It's an outlet for those feelings of affection and for that craving to be with someone I love, feelings that would probably never be fulfilled in the real world. In dreams I have found a way to turn desire into satisfaction, without fulfilling it in the real world.
On the other hand, I can't help having the feeling that this is wrong. Not that that thought would ever occur to me, because I'm content about my status quo. But when anyone else talks about stuff like this, they say it like it's the epitome of roneriness and anyone who would do such a thing must be really sad and pitiful. Not to mention that they are a nerd, pathetic, a failure at life, a disgrace to mankind, et cetera.
I'm not delusional or escapist. I'm quite aware that she isn't real, and I don't disregard my real life for this dream, except perhaps its romantic aspects. I also only ever meet her in daydreams, rather than talking to an empty chair or drinking a glass of lemonade with the other straw pressed to the face on the screen. But I still have an imaginary girlfriend.
What do you think? Is it wrong to resort to dreams where the real world leaves holes?
More specifically, should I stop doing this?
tl;dr: I'm an adult with an imaginary girlfriend. Is this pathetic and/or wrong? (Y/N)
If you're happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?
Well there's one thing I can tell you, even if it doesn't answer your question specifically.
It's - in my humble opinion - totally okay, especially given you are not trapped in a delusion but quite aware of it. You say you are not an escapist, but I think this is a way of escapism. Not that it's bad, really - people need that, in a form or another. You probably have a great imagination and it's good if you're mature about it.
No, what the problem really is is that someday, you might meet someone who hits too close to what you're imaginating. And there's quite a chance that nothing will happen between you and her, because, well, that's how life is.
I'm afraid that if your "dream girl" constitutes your whole way of canalizing your romantic feelings, that day will literally crush you - because it will break your heart in the 'real' world, but also because it will render your illusion quite pale and dim.
I'm not saying you shouldn't do that; just don't make it an absolute, a finality.
Like others, I don't think it's wrong, and you're in good company, as far as having imaginary friends. After all, Dante, one of the most famous italian writers spent most of his life writing to her dead lover.
So long as you don't mix fiction with reality, that's fine. I just think you're too hasty in giving up on real girls. But if that's your choice, why not,...
You're not wrong op. I have an imaginary little sister.
First of all, thank you for your quick advice, /love/. :)
So, you're saying I should try to find a compromise of sorts, by cherishing my fictional love while still being open to the possibility of finding love in real life.
While this seems a sensible solution, I'm afraid there's a problem to it. You see, while I acknowledge that my imaginary lover is not real, I do think of her as an actual person. (George Orwell would call that kind of apparent contradiction "doublethinking", holding contradictory beliefs while accepting both of them in some way.)
As such, by still hoping to find a real girl to replace her one day, I'd feel like I'm betraying her. I'd feel guilty to think of her as a disposable lover. And by only using her to channel my romantic feelings whenever I want to, she would become a tool to me rather than a person.
Maybe that's where I am mixing fiction with reality too much. Maybe I'm going too far if I'm concerned about hurting the feelings of someone who doesn't exist.
>You say you are not an escapist, but I think this is a way of escapism. Not that it's bad, really - people need that, in a form or another.
I suppose you're right. I am a bit of an escapist. But at least controlledly so. :) Or maybe "escapist" wasn't really the right word there.
>You probably have a great imagination and it's good if you're mature about it.
Funny that you should mention maturity. Maturity is actually one of the reasons why this worries me somewhat. Isn't it a bit immature to, well, feel connections to people who don't really exist?
>No, what the problem really is is that someday, you might meet someone who hits too close to what you're imaginating. And there's quite a chance that nothing will happen between you and her, because, well, that's how life is.
>I'm afraid that if your "dream girl" constitutes your whole way of canalizing your romantic feelings, that day will literally crush you - because it will break your heart in the 'real' world, but also because it will render your illusion quite pale and dim.
The real thing would render the illusion pale and dim?
Maybe that's true. I could imagine that being true. But until now, another worry of me was that the opposite might happen; being used to an ideal but fictional lover, any real girl would pale in comparison.
But now that you mention it, maybe a real girl could also be awesome in surprising ways that I would never have thought of myself. And, of course, the real world is always a more convincing experience than any daydream could ever be, if only because unexpected things can happen and it doesn't require as much thinking.
Once again, your case is similar to people with dead loved ones (who can remain faithful to them even though the other person only exists as a figment of their imagination).
Do as it suit you, but I suggest you worry about being unfaithful to your imaginary lover when the case presents itself. You may found out the situation is much less complicated than you expect,...
>>6
Well, if I'm telling you that, it's because your story somehow reminds me mine (even if I didn't mentally "embody" the lover, I still cherished the ideal).
>Funny that you should mention maturity. Maturity is actually one of the reasons why this worries me somewhat. Isn't it a bit immature to, well, feel connections to people who don't really exist?
Nope, I don't think so. People who "don't really exist" but that you hold for "real" in your mind still somehow exist. You know, the philosophical concept that by simply believing in a god, that god exist in the people's mind, even if it has no impact on the "real life".
In my opinion, what separates maturity from immaturity in these cases, is how you are aware of that fact, and how you deal with it. Maybe what you're doing wrong is being too, as you put it, "concerned about hurting the feelings of someone who doesn't exist". This sure isn't good for you.
Remember, the imaginary is something inside you - your inner world. So when you think about hurting something imaginary, you're thinking about hurting yourself, a part of your psyche. Like betraying that part of you. But in the end you wouldn't be doing that because, well... it's not yourself vs. yourself, you know?
Thanks, guys. You really make me feel better. :)
>Maybe what you're doing wrong is being too, as you put it, "concerned about hurting the feelings of someone who doesn't exist". This sure isn't good for you.
I see.
>Remember, the imaginary is something inside you - your inner world. So when you think about hurting something imaginary, you're thinking about hurting yourself, a part of your psyche. Like betraying that part of you. But in the end you wouldn't be doing that because, well... it's not yourself vs. yourself, you know?
This is mostly true. What I'm afraid of is, in a way, to harm my own psyche and betray my own principles.
By using her non-existence as an excuse why it's okay to let her down and use her, by silencing my conscience by saying that the one I hurt doesn't matter, I'm afraid I'll end up on a slippery slope towards doing such things with real people too. The idea of treating anyone as subhuman frightens me, even if she's a figment of my imagination. And knowing all of this doesn't solve that problem to me.
But maybe that's just me being paranoid. Maybe the mind doesn't really work like that.
>But maybe that's just me being paranoid.
You are being paranoid. Just take it easy and think about which kind of holidays would you like to take your imaginary lover to ^_^
We often enjoy creating some drama about our imaginary friends, but if that starts to really make you uncomfortable, then it's time to realize that they are still imaginary, and that you should refocus your relationship in a more positive frame,...
It's pretty much the same as a normal relationship, but much easier to do, since the only real problem is yourself, not the other real person.
imaginary girlfriend? i think it's pathetic and i suggest you to go see a psychiatrist
> Is this pathetic and/or wrong? (Y/N)
I wouldn't judge you for it, but it might make it harder for you to find a real girl. On the bright side, the imaginary girl will never leave you.
Use these examples to make yourself feel better.
Also, there are men (not that I'd be one of them) who pretend to date anime women, put them on their desktop, plaster their walls with posters, buy their action figures, listen to their character song 24/7 (when they aren't skipping through episodes of the anime to look for their occasional appearance), jerk off exclusively to porn of them, buy life size pilows with their image on it, and sometimes cosplay as the character and then make out with their cosplayed selves in the mirror.
Or so I've heard.
I've also... heard... of this phenomenon. Curious, that.
It is pathetic, but you can change. Go out and try to start a conversation with a girl. You never know what you can do until you try. Go out there and be a winner.
>>9
I'm working on a description for you. It takes some time to write all of this down.
>>11
I'll try to stop worrying. Thank you.
>>13
>>14
LOL, okay, so there are plenty of people who are as weird as or even weirder than I am.
>>16
For the time being, I'll make that my plan B.
Incidentally, I have no trouble talking to girls per se. I do that all the time, since the male/female proportions of the faculty where I study are about 20%/80%.
>>9
Well, you asked. Prepare for a huge wall of text.
Let's say her name is Vanessa. (Her real name is a bit more idiosyncratic, but I'm keeping it a secret because I'm afraid people could recognize me by it, and I'd like to remain anonymous. I've described her as a fictional character elsewhere. "Vanessa" is the closest match I could find.)
I didn't really adapt Vanessa entirely to my own wishes. I wanted her to have a real personality. In some aspects we are very similar, while in other ways we are quite different. A few aspects of her are made to conform my preferences, but most are what I think would be consistent with her personality, and some things about her are truly random.
She's twenty years old, which is also my own age.
She has long, wavy brown hair that she always wears down, and she usually wears long dresses that reach from the shoulders to the ankles. I remember jokingly comparing her appearance to that of a tassel.
Her eyes are the most enchanting shade of emerald green, and sparkle with optimism and the vigour of youth. There's also something really cute about the shape of her nose. It's a rather small nose, and a little pointy. Her mouth is beautiful in a way I can't find the words to describe. (I guess that's mostly my own poetic incompetence.)
If I were to describe her appearance in one word, I'd say she is very elegant. She has a distinctly feminine elegance, perhaps in a somewhat old-fashioned way.
She's adventurous and courageous, but also a very kind and friendly person, and always polite to people. Responsible but playful. Serene in confidence, but not boring at all.
Being a young adult, she has a healthy dose of curiosity and likes to explore what life and the world have to offer. We have travelled much, throughout this world, throughout her native reality, and into many other fictional worlds that I know of.
She's modest and not dominant at all, preferring to leave leadership to someone else if she thinks they're qualified, but willing to take the lead if necessary.
In danger, she reacts quickly and adequately, and usually finds and implements a solution before anyone else even understands what the problem is. I don't think I've ever seen her panic. She really knows where her towel is.
At times I think of her as an example of sorts. I'm a rather reserved and shy person myself, and a bit of a wimp. I admire her confidence.
She also often tries to friendlily encourage me to get away from the computer and see the world I'm missing out on. To "travel the roads of life", as she puts it. I think she's right, I should.
She's also an orphan. Her parents died in a spacecraft accident some ten years ago, and she now lives with her uncle, a friendly middle-aged politician. That event seems to be her greatest emotional problem. It must have been a traumatic experience. I don't know exactly what happened that day, but I believe it's part of the reason why she decided to attend a medic academy when she grew up. She seems worried about losing the people most dear to her.
Remarkably, she doesn't fear space travel in the least. Maybe she used to, but overcame that phobia.
She says she's really bad at sports, although she's a great swimmer. She has a degree in medical studies. She's left-handed. She plays the harp. Her favourite colour is dark green.
>I don't think I've ever seen her panic. She really knows where her towel is.
Haha, thank you, that line made my day.
Drop her a quick hello from me next time you see her!
>>18
;_; This post was both so lovely and so sad.
you're pretty lucky to have such a nice imaginary friend. Mine is much less appealing and easy going,...
So here's a short unsolicited blurb on her:
Mel (not her real name) is a tall woman with dark green eyes, tanned skin and long brown curvy hair. She is a total tomboy, and never wears dresses or excessively feminine wear.
She enjoys to be on her own, and values her freedom. She has a natural tendency to mistrust people, and only allows herself relationships where she retains full control. Her sexual life is pretty much non existent, since she has no sentimental interest for women, and can't stand the thought of having the hand of a man on her.
She enjoys traveling and meeting people, but often prefers to remain an observer, and rarely keeps long term contact with anyone. Her family are the people she is really terrified of.
There's no way I could go out with someone like her, and we basically have no formal contact. Nevertheless, she has been in my mind for more than a decade ^_^
>18
Let me guess...
shes also a lvl 31 fairy with the death rune...
Oh and she can fly.
Imaginations can have sex with you, people can have sex with you.
You must be clueless.
>22
Why do you encourage this nonsense?
You guys are retarded.
>>24
Why bring everything back to sex?
>Why do you encourage this nonsense?
It seems to me pretty harmless, and quite fun actually,...
>You guys are retarded.
Sure, just like most of writers, and people with a bit of imagination ^_^
Why do you get so worked up with this stuff? Seems to me you're the one taking it too seriously. Are you afraid of something?
Yeah, that you wackos could turn into the next VT shooting
>>24
Whee, it's drama time.
As you should have been able to tell, she is quite expressly as normal as an imaginary girl can be, rather than the usual magical nekomimi lolicon futanari centaur-harpy crossbreed girl or what have you. Vanessa has no cheap gimmicks to fill the hole where her personality should be. And if you replace "spacecraft accident" by "car crash" and leave out the part about cross-realistic travelling, I'm quite sure you wouldn't have guessed that she's not real.
>>25 asks a good question. Is sex the only thing in the world, now? Even if your imagination only ever gathers dust in a dark corner until you need it to fap, that doesn't mean that that's all it's ever good for.
Vanessa is no mere sexual fantasy to me, thank you very much. She's a full-fledged lover and a true friend. Someone to share joy and sorrow with. Someone who makes everything fun just by being there. Someone to hold hands with while staring at a sunset, and eventually the stars and full moon. Someone to tell jokes to over a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fireplace.
Oh, and before I forget: quit your bitching, troll. Save your venom for the Ocean of Piss.
[/drama]
Right. Now that we got that over with...
>>22
I see. That's interesting. I am indeed in good company. :P
>>28
Not to start a fight, but: the spacecraft crash is very gimmicky. This kind of thing (having the main character's parents die in a tragic manner in order to give them some internal turmoil) is a known literary cliche. I mean, honestly, how many randomly orphaned children do you know? How many people have to deal with death at a young age?
I realize that this is your personal fantasy so you're free to make it however you like. It's just... not very original, nor realistic.
>>31
I guess that's probably true.
I didn't include that to give her a reason for internal turmoil, though. That event was in fact already a part of another "plot line" of sorts, older than Vanessa herself, that she was made a part of later on. But it's true that it would be a cheesy plot device, looking at is as a work of fiction in the usual sense. So, it's not original, granted.
As for realism, what you said is true only if realism merely means similarity to the real world, or even just the part of the real world that we're used to. We live in a very safe place where people don't usually die before their time. But elsewhere even in the real world, orphanhood is in fact relatively common, e.g. children of aids victims in Africa.
Surely something can be realistic without any such thing ever happening to any of us. To think our own direct environment is the only possible way things can be is just presumptuous closed-mindedness.
THIS IS MY DREAM ANIME PRINCESS:
First off, you seem very defeatist or even depressed about the whole thing. High-functioning autism is a very general term, and many in your situation do have very productive lives including romantic relationships. Sure, you may have to work at it, but you shouldn't automatically rule out the possibility. If you are comfortable going into more detail, that may affect the advice you get significantly.
Now: if you indeed have an imaginary girlfriend, you are obviously not fine with being alone, despite what you say. I'm concerned because if you allow yourself to continue down this path, you may be sabotaging the chance that you do have to find a real girlfriend - as unlikely as that may seem now.
It's really not the "so ronery" part of it that may hurt you later, it's that you may be unconsciously creating unrealistic expectations of relationships and how they should work. If there's a sudden change and you find yourself in a position where you could have a romantic relationship with someone, this may end up damaging that.
You speak as if you're just filling in the holes of reality. The analogy I can most readily think of is this: when you fix a tire with sealant after a blowout, you can keep going on that tire, but you're not supposed to keep driving on it. If you do what you're doing now, you will have very little incentive to find an alternative - someone that exists outside your mind. This is a shame, because you sound like a caring and generous person (from the descriptions of your daydreams, for example).
This may seem difficult (especially in your situation), but I strongly recommend talking to a counselor/therapist/whatever about this in the same way you did here. They won't judge your situation, and they'll give much better advice here than we can in this situation.
>>28
lol I started this, I just had to know. Actually I was expecting sum lulz but I didn't get any. Your dreamgirl is quite awright. Sure with the spacecraft and everything, but whatever. I have a lively imagination, I write fantasy and all that shit. I can understand where you're coming from.
I just think tho, that you shouldn't give up your hopes on finding someone. This world is full of wierdos. If I can understand and relate to you, there's got to be women out there who can too. You're still just 20, right?
