I've had this problem for a while, I'm not a 'mute' all the time but when I'm chatting online I can type away with ease, when I'm speaking to some people I have a bit of difficulty but I can spit out a word or two and when I'm on the phone or on the mic on Skype I'm as quite as a mouse.
I don't know when this began but I just can't say anything, a long time ago, this girl wanted to hear my voice so I went out and bought a headset so I could talk with her, when it was time to talk I couldn't say anything. I've even tried chatting (via Skype) with more than two people just in case I was just nervous because it was a girl, but alas I still couldn't say anything.
Since then the friendship with the aforementioned girl (which I'll call A from now on) took a tumble down a hill. I've promised her so many times that I'd say something, I've sometimes made excuses as to why I couldn't. For a while she was really patient and waited, one time she even begged me just to say "Hello", I've tried so many times but I can't say it.
We still talk every now and then, but the last time I had a (long) chat with her was back in September. It's not just A, but my friendship with other people too. Before all of this happened, at some point we were e-boyfriend/girlfriend. Nothing serious it was just for fun, she used to tell me she loved me all the time and then one day she stopped, it didn't bother me much because <i>it was just for fun</i> but now she has a boyfriend, and to be honest I'm rather jealous.
I feel like I've done something wrong, when ever we do have chats, regardless of how short they are she doesn't seem very interested (even before the boyfriend came along). What the fuck am I doing? I don't really expect anyone to reply I'm just ranting but I don't know why the fuck I care so much.
tl;dr version:
I'm so ronrey.
e- boyfriend/girlfriend < REAL boyfriend/girlfriend = SEX
SEX > cybersex
= YOU FAIL!
It sounds like you have a real problem.
You should really go see a psychologist. If you don't think you could talk to one properly, try an online counseling service, or something.
You just seem like an asshole to me. I knew someone like this and after a little while of trying to figure it out I realized it was entirely voluntary. He kept silent to try and keep an air of intrigue about himself because he had a shitty self-esteem.
It almost sounds the same with you because you only decided to post this once some girl stopped talking to you, big surprise. When you don't communicate, there is no content to your character. You're like nothing.
I suspect it's just anxiety related to an unfamiliar situation snowballing with the combined stress of talking to your e-GF aloud for the first time, and already having some communication issues, which threw you off completely. The initial situation provoked a phobia type response to skype in general.
The answer to this is to get used to the situation and regain confidence, and to gain confidence in communicating in general.
Try just talking to yourself into the headset until you feel 100% comfortable, then get a trusted friend to talk to you on skype and really push yourself to say something. Ask your friend to start with yes/no questions until you are comfortable and then move onto other stuff. Once you become comfortable talking to your friends freely on skype then try talking to some random stranger.
Other things you could do is practice your communication in general, talk to a family member on the phone, order a pizza, ring up a local business to find out what services they offer, offer answers to questions in class.
Don't expect to get into it in one shot, it may take a while for you to be fully comfortable. Remember the effort you put in, is the result you get out, so do your best.
>>4
I don't think OP is an asshole. I know it's been said before, but I felt a need to say it again.
I don't think it's anything weird to have anxieties about talking. I'm sure a lot of people on here have gone through the same thing, including myself. There's a lot of ways to get through it, if you're willing to put out some effort to do so. If you're a gamer, try playing some online games and strategizing with your teammates through Teamspeak/Vent/Xbox Live/etc. If not, try taking a volunteer job for a few weeks. Working at a food bank or anywhere similar is a great way to learn to speak up, as half of the people who come in there will likely be high off their ass anyway. You could even find someone on here to chat with on Skype. Even if you make a fool of yourself, it would be anonymous, so it's no big deal. Someone mentioned before to practice with yes-or-no questions. I think that's an excellent idea. You can start out just listening to someone talk, and replying in text. After a while, reply to yes-or-no questions. Eventually you may be able to openly chat about things with them.
If you were able to get over this problem, and to show A that you did so, she would probably gain a lot of respect for you. Good luck with this, if you try to overcome it.
I took a language class. Forces me to speak at least while in class, and thus kills two birds with one stone.
>>4
I don't think OP is an asshole either. If he did it on purpose to keep an air of intrigue, why would he post about it? It could be due to self-esteem reasons, though.
OP, do you talk much in real life? Personally, I don't. But I've gotten used to posting on anonymous sites like these. Thus, I feel more at ease while writing and I can write at my own pace, with no one seeing my face or hearing my voice. The only way people can consider me inadequate is through the words I write, and they probably wouldn't know me in my next post, so who cares?
Phone/mic is the next level, closer to real life. If you didn't talk much in real life it might make sense to have more trouble with it.
>>4
Yeah, OP is not an asshole. The asshole is you, for accusing poor OP of being one.
OP here.
>>9 I do talk quite a lot in real life however this is only within the house, but when we have guest at my house I just go to my room and pump the music as loud as possible to pretend I don't notice anyone there. But if I know them I occasionally come out to say hello. But when I am out (which is something I rarely do) I do have some difficulty talking if there is something wrong I probably won't say anything to avoid making a scene.
A few days ago, in an attempt to make myself look different and boost my confidence. I went and got a hair cut, not at those ordinary but at one of those fancy ones. I even had it dyed, while it was being dyed the thing they had over my head was incredibly hot, I didn't want to say anything but I said to myself if it got any hotter (which it did) I'd get up and say something but in the end I didn't. So I guess you could say I'm those guys who get taken advantage of easily. Except if I'm familiar with the person I will speak up and tell them to stfu if I don't like it.
>>4
I'm not trying to make excuses to make myself sound like less of an ass hole to you but I did make (weak) attempts to keep the friendship going but like I've said she doesn't seem very interested when we talk I've come to this conclusion because I've noticed the intervals between replies via MSN/Skype and they are quite long. Sometimes she takes 4 or so minutes to reply. I don't think it's just her, most of the people I talk to via MSN take quite a long time to reply, though there is an exception for some people who reply almost instantly. Is it because I'm too impatient?
How long are the intervals between replies when talking to people on MSN?
I'd also like to add I haven't been to my real (high school) school in a long time, but I take classes at a community college at first I didn't want to go but I got dragged into it by a friend and decided to continue taking the course. It's a japanese course we sometimes speak to eachother to practise and I'm somewhat confident but that's only because I'm reading off a sheet/replying to questions that are read off a sheet of paper. And I'd like to thank you all and apologise for not returning right away to see the post. I didn't expect anyone to reply.
Intervals can be long depending on if the person on MSN is talking to multiple people, busy with other things etc. I would only worry if the person stopped talking to you completely, its easy just to block someone you don't want to talk to especially if you don't know them in real life, obviously if they haven't blocked you they do want to talk to you even if it just isn't right now.
Though perhaps this girl is a lost cause, you should really be looking at girls you can meet up with in real life even if it is just as friends until you improve your confidence. You sound like a nice guy though, I think a lot of girls would be interested in someone like you, its just the confidence issue holding you back.
It sounds like you are on your way to improving your communicating skills by taking the Japanese course but you do need to practice everyday communication. Unless you are planning on going to japan soon, it won't massively affect your day-to-day life, since the practice is limited to classroom time, when ideally you should be able to practice communication whenever possible.
I will suggest talking with a counselor, not because I think you need treatment or something like that, but because your appointments are all about the talking, and its with someone that you can trust. You can get a few problems with your life in order and practice communicating at the same time.
>>You sound like a nice guy though, I think a lot of girls would be interested in someone like you, its just the confidence issue holding you back.
That made my day. As much as I hate to admit it I think you're right(13) she might be a lost cause, but I don't want to consider her a lost cause. I'm not looking for a girlfriend, or even go back to the e-boyfriend/e-girlfriend thing either. Just going back to what we did every day would be great (talking to eachother), because I enjoyed talking to her and I'd like to think she considers me a friend.
I used to be quite a charismatic person, before I left school I had lots of friends or at least people pretending to be my friend, even if it's just pretend it's ok because I still enjoyed my time with all of them.
What bugs me is that I've been gone for one year and 2008 is my second year, and none of my IRL friends have even tried to contact me or ask where I've been. They all know where I live and have my phone number. I don't mean to be an attention whore and disappear without a word but for absolutely zero people to be curious or even care where I've been kind of hurts. Even my online friends have been more concerned than the real life ones, some of them have written me real letters because for two months I was out of action and couldn't get online.
I have tried speaking with a counselor and it didn't work out well. Half a year ago, I was dragged into a counselor who works for my area's Mental Health Service because the school I attend had called them up and wanted them to see what was wrong. I spoke with the counselor and for some reason I was prescribed anti-psychotic drugs, it's called Seroquel maybe one of you guys have heard of it. At the time I didn't know what it was for so when I got home I did a bit of research before taking it. I found out it was a drug to treat bi-polar disorder, so I refused to take it. I honestly think the people there do not know what they are doing. I had read it was a drug that isn't recommended for those under 18 and one where you needed a prescription to obtain. Since I didn't fill either of those requirements I thought it was odd that they had given it to me.
I was later then taken to a hospital for minor's with mental illnesses because I denied bi-polarism and was considered hostile because I cussed at them when the tried to force me to take the pills. I didn't have access to a computer which is why A sent letters to me, I was able to reply to them right away and read them when I got home. I had warned A about this prior to being taken away except I told her if I didn't come back for a few days it meant I was probably in trouble and told her not to worry. When I got out, that was it. I never saw them again and they said I might need a check up 6 or so months later just to see how I'm doing.
Last week I had recieved a letter from the [Area Name] Mental Health Service requesting my prescence at a meeting to check up. If I did not attend I'd be terminated from their service. Which is a good thing because I do not like the idea of being in that horrible hospital.
Which brings me to the present, when I created this thread to just get this shit out because it can't be healthy to keep this bottled up and to stop being such a whiny bitch. I'm sorry for whining but since Personal Issues is full of rants and raves, I don't think one more would make a difference. Prior to this I had just started sending emails to myself with my rants and raves to try to reason with myself using the Socratic Method.
>>That made my day. As much as I hate to admit it I think you're right(12)
Fixed.
I just read post number 13 due to the fact that I made a mistake and realised I sound like a bitch. What comes to mind when reading my post?
Yup. I'm the same. It got better for me after I joined a game tournament (bf2142), where speaking was mandatory. Before long It got better, it ended up seeming more real, but I'm still pretty shy though, I can barely speak properly in public.
>>13
You've probably hurt your friends in the same way that you feel hurt.
Tell me, what is the difference between keeping silence and having no interest in talking to someone? To you, everything. To the observer, nothing.
Practice talking, Mr. Asshole.
12 here, I don't think you sound like a bitch at all, your concerns are completely warranted. I actually kinda agree with you on the whole mental health service, some people do have negative experiences with it. Though I wasn't really referring to the medical psychiatrists who prescribe you drugs and put you in hospital but just a guidance counselor.
But yeah, having been through that stuff myself, I personally wouldn't go to see a counselor again, mainly because I prefer to work on my problems myself. They do help many people though which is why I suggested it.
I recently saw a online textbook, I haven't really had a good look at it yet, but thought it might interest you anyway.
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/download/ < direct link to PDF download page.
This place is all about the whining so continue doing it if you think it helps you.
>>15
Yeah I've tried that too though I'm not much of a gamer. I've only tried with the voice changer (in the latest update) on the PS3. But it's a start.
>>16
I'm actually agreeing with you. I don't really like to make excuses but I do anyway but I've tried talking with her it might not have been with a mic but I did type.
>>17
Thank you for the link, I really appreciate it.
After quite a long time, I finally tried talking to A and two other online friends who I'll refer to as B and C if I ever mention them again.
B was the first who I contacted because was available, as usual he seemed to miss me and we talked for a very long time (5 hours). At some point I jokingly complained about why nobody (from the forum) talks to me. He has said he's also noticed people giving me the cold shoulder and that at least that we're friends it doesn't matter.
I'm not usually the type who cares about the people on the forum who I don't know but I was curious as to what I did to be hated. Especially since I didn't expect such a blunt answer, I was only kidding.
C turned out to be the boyfriend of A, so that doesn't really bother me because I don't think he'd mind if I continued talking to her. It was her birthday last month and I made a card for her but I wanted to make sure it was ok to send her a letter so I was going to ask before I did it.
When I went online I had found out from the personal message that she had on MSN that she has a boyfriend. I thought it was a bad idea to send the card incase he (I didn't know it was C at the time) got jealous of some random guy sending her cards, after all I got jealous by the fact I had been replaced. Even though it was a joke e-boyfriend/e-girlfriend kind of thing.
Both C and A don't seem to be very talkative, I guess it's ok since it's nice to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and I was quite happy to find out that C is going to fly over to meet A. They're my friends and despite the previous feelings of jealousy I'm still happy. I really am and I let them know that. When I asked C about it he seemed really open about it he told me (almost) everything but when I asked A about it as well (C signed off before I could get the full story) she passed it off as a meeting of friends. Not verbally but it's what I think. I've known her long enough to know that she knows flying to another country to meet someone isn't just a friendly meeting.
Even if I'm taking this the wrong way, which I probably am despite what C told me. It's ok. I don't plan on moving to A's country anyway. Both C and I live in the same country by the way. He promised to meet up with me if he ever got his driver's license, but I assume that's going to be canceled since he's leaving the country.
When I sent A, B, and C an instant message I did it with the intention of telling them I wasn't going to be comming back but I didn't end up telling them because talking with C made me realise why became so attached to them. but if I change my mind I will make sure to tell them before I leave. Whilst talking with A she had a feeling there was something wrong and asked if I was ok I gave her the short version and she said she didn't mind if I told her the long version. But she's just being nice, I don't think she'd reply with anything other than a "Awww" and some other one liners. I also hate to lie but I told her I just didn't feel like going online and tried to break my internet addiction. Half of it is true; sometime around late January and Early February I left the forum to have a break. I signed off from the internet permanently so I could break my internet addiction just to prove to myself that I wasn't such a dork and make real life friends.
Rant went on longer than I expected. Next post...
Anyway, A had sincerely said (or used what ever spell she had to make me believe it was real) that while I was gone that she had missed me and I should warn her if I did something like that again; I have done this before (hospital incident) but I warned her that time, but this time I left abruptly because I thought I'd break within 2 days and crawl back and suck the teat of the internet. It lasted a two or so months. =/
After thinking it through again, I think don't think/want to believe that B is a lost cause. I'm comming to terms with the fact that A probably doesn't really have time for me. They haven't explicitly said they didn't want to talk or busy. I kept getting responses like: lol, XD, Right, Hm, and long silences. This even continued after C had left. I just left her alone because she didn't seem interested and kind of accidently found out that her cat died so I felt bad about asking about it even though she didn't seem to mind.
At some point during my internet break I had planned on just leaving and forgetting about them, which does make me an ass hole but I couldn't say goodbye and didn't think they'd mind. Oh how wrong I was. At least they made it apparent for about five seconds that they missed me.
Are these thoughts rational? I think I'm being delusional. Surely a bit of silence is normal, I of all people should know that. I've always considered myself a smart and reasonable person but getting hung up over something so simple is just not like me. It's just like the teenage angst stories I see and read about in fiction except these problems are much simplier.
C came back for a while and I asked him how it happened, he didn't seem too offended by it. Before I go on, I suppose this is my fault for taking that break and not being there but I didn't plan on being gone for so long.
While I was gone A had something terrible happen, probably her cat dying or something. She has had problems with bullies too, which she used to talk to me about when we were still talking on a regular basis. Well C said he was acting as the 'friend you can tell anything' since I wasn't there. It was known on the forum that we had a e-relationship/joke thing but when we talked we sometimes pretended it was real. So (I still don't know why she was depressed I'll talk as if it's her cat, I don't want to press the issue since it sounds serious) C was there for her and told her that he liked her and he had liked her for a very long time. She didn't say anything and a few days later she said she like him too.
I also have another trivial question. How do you think she would react to the card? I asked her if it would be ok but I didn't tell her what the card looked like. It was a picture/collage of her cat. Is it ok to send a picture of her dead cat after she had been mourning the loss?
I have a camera lying around somewhere if anyone cares I'll try to take a picture of the card. Tell me what you think and if she'd like it/if it's suitable to be sent.
I realise I fucked up, I lost a few friends. I'm not trying to gain a sympathy vote or anything nor do I think I deserve it because I brought it upon myself. But I'm trying to make up for it. I feel a bit like an ass for feeling this way, I'm not the first person to lose a few friends, backed up by the fact none of them have explicitly said they didn't want to be friends.
I'm just like you OP. It really really sucks. I can go so long without talking in real life, when I actually need to say something I physically can't without having to try two or three times. I think it's just anxieties that are the cause of most of it.
I'm more talkative now and there is one prime reason why. When I was at my (social reclusive) worst, I didn't socialize with anybody - hardly my own family. As somebody who has schizophrenia, I relied on my family to support me with living/food expenses as I was unable to venture into the outside world. As I got older, around age 19, I was pretty much forced to get a job due to the expense of having this medical problem. My only option was to work, willingly go homeless, or commit suicide (often choosing the latter).
I decided to get a part time job at a hospital. It didn't require much effort to get. It's a simple, repetitive task that pays fuck all and will probably have robots doing it in 10 years and earns you no respect, but at least it's something. While I hardly spoke to anybody my first year or so (on the other hand, I don't run into many people), I was actually able to start communicating with people. All I really say to anybody now is the obligatory elevator conversations or when I'm with them and can't really run and hide. It's helped a lot and I'm quite thankful for it in the end.
While I'm still pretty much a mute to everybody I meet in any place I meet them, be it real life or online, I'm able to speak a bit if needed without having my head fill with delusions or hallucinations. If you're having trouble speaking fluently still, my advice would be to go hunt a job at the very least or find some alternative that forces you to be vocal, even if it's small.
As for the friends/girlfriend issue I can't really say much about that.
Also, Seroquel is an okay drug to treat bi-polar or similar disorders. I take it for schizophrenia and it's the only medication I've found they does not mess me up too bad, though it makes me very very very tired.
That sounds like a great idea however at my age the only jobs I can apply for are jobs at McDonald's, Burger King, Paper Route, and some other menial jobs for the neighbourhood.
I'm not looking forward to accidently running into any people I already know. It's be hard-pressed to find an answer as to why I haven't been to school. But I've thought of getting the job during school hours so nobody would see me but I've asked my parents and they mentioned something about a law which forbids employers to employ students between school hours or comprimise their school work in any way.
I haven't heard of it before but I'll look into it. McDonald's should be free of all the people I want to avoid during school hours.
I'll try to keep it short this time as I promised myself I wouldn't rant without trying to help myself first with that Self Help Book >>17 provided.
Update:
Not much to say I've been trying to get a social life recently. It didn't really work out. I was also going to re-join my football club but the season hasn't started and after thinking about it again I remembered why I quit.
>>4
People with shitty self-esteem are often quiet/shy, because they afraid of how you're going to judge them. It's not really voluntary. They might come off as being difficult, boring and even a slightly snobbish, but inside they're actually a mess about what they should say or do next. I've been there, done that.
>>11
It's meant to be pretty hot. I had streaks in my hair re-done recently and I forgot how much it burned. But yeah, point is, you didn't have to confront them about the issue. I would've queried them at the very least if I was worried. ie: "Say, is it meant to be this hot?" After hearing this, I think you just need more life experience OP. Getting a job is a great step, because you learn how to deal with people and you meet new people everyday.
Try different things all the time. Don't stick to your routine lunch/outing/weekends. Becoming more knowledgeable in a variety of things makes you a more interesting person, and consequently, have more things to talk about. Even little things like trying different eateries when you're having lunch/dinner will help you. Then the next time you eat out with friends, you can be the one to "know a little place with a great menu".
Improving your physical appearance is also a great confidence booster. Kudos to the haircut. If you think you look good, then you will care less of what other people think of you.
Don't expect much when you just pack up camp and leave without telling anyone. People that you didn't tell will think that you thought they weren't important enough to you. Friendship is a mutual contribution believe it or not.
Online friendships are cool. The problem is when you have more online friends than "real-life" friends. If you really want to break out of this social awkwardness, I would recommend you to allocate less time online. Ultimately, a real hug beats a cyber hug any day.
The most important thing is to never retreat back into your shell. When you're hovering outside that door, wondering whether you should step in or not, always remind yourself that it's "now or never". You have many reasons to change. No excuses for putting it off.
Lastly, remember that most people have little patience to crack open the shell of a shy person. To them, it is frustrating to continually start conversations only to have them met with one word answers. Believe it or not, it makes them feel a little rejected. The least you can do is smile and laugh. And greet them when you walk past.
Goodluck OP.
>I do talk quite a lot in real life however this is only within the house, but when we have guest at my house I just go to my room and pump the music as loud as possible to pretend I don't notice anyone there. But if I know them I occasionally come out to say hello. But when I am out (which is something I rarely do) I do have some difficulty talking if there is something wrong I probably won't say anything to avoid making a scene.
>A few days ago, in an attempt to make myself look different and boost my confidence. I went and got a hair cut, not at those ordinary but at one of those fancy ones. I even had it dyed, while it was being dyed the thing they had over my head was incredibly hot, I didn't want to say anything but I said to myself if it got any hotter (which it did) I'd get up and say something but in the end I didn't. So I guess you could say I'm those guys who get taken advantage of easily. Except if I'm familiar with the person I will speak up and tell them to stfu if I don't like it.
I thought so. I'm pretty much the same. In fact, now that I recall, I've been in the same situation before, with "online friends" wanting me to talk to them, and me stuck between talking or not since (1) I thought there was a chance of them hating my voice, (2) I thought that talking in person might ruin any preconceived positive views they had of me, and (3) I suck at quickly coming up with things to respond with.
Like you, even offline I don't talk much, suck with coming up with stuff to say, and I'm sort of passive when it comes to confrontations with people I'm not well acquainted with.
However, I've gotten/am getting over some of it.
Pretty much what >>25 said was right on the mark. Dress like you want, do what you want, and do anything you want, especially if there's not many things you're interested in. Find big groups of strangers where you can be yourself, and/or where it would be natural for people to talk.
For voice improvement, maybe you can try taking singing lessons. Instructors will generally tell you when they hate your vocal style (as a singing style), and help you to improve it. This way you'll also gain a new skill, and we all know that people love singers!
Go for it, OP.
Also, one thing I forgot: I've also found that warning people beforehand about any flaws works well, because then you won't have to worry about them misinterpreting anything.
Just in a simple way like "I don't talk much" or "people say I have a funny accent" or "I usually don't know what to say when talking over voice chat."
That way, if they mention it later you can just say that you warned them.
OP here.
Not much improvement but I have managed to let out a few sentences. In class (community college) we were having a discussion although my heart was racing at the end of it I feel pretty good about it.
Though my classmates are older than me by a decade or two I felt pretty comfortable. It's not much but I thought it would be nice to post an update.
Thank all for all you've contributed.