This is somewhat of a split between IAA and Love & Romance, so excuse me for the somewhat different content for this forum...
Since a long time ago, I've enjoyed messing around with computers and hanging out online. I've been doing so since I was a tiny kid (read: 1 year old = playing with ResEdit on System 7).
Recently, I've become more and more attached to my computer and the Internet to the point I've become addicted, mainly because I've slowly drifted away from society not so long ago.
I loved a girl deeply and became attached to the point of dependence just to make my day survivable. She had no clue who I was and I built up my courage to tell her. Since my confession to her, she hasn't spoken to me. She blocks all email messages, all IMs, and I can hardly see her in real life anymore. She completely blocked me from ever communicating with her ever again. It turns out she already had a boyfriend.
It scarred me deeply to the point where I couldn't trust anyone or love anyone again. I was too scared that other people would exclude me from their lives again that I turned to the Internet and realized that escaping from real life via the Internet is fun but isn't as fun as I could be having if I actually started having friends again.
Since I began building up symptoms of Hikikomori (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori), I've become a slight ephebophile. Call me silly but even if I am 14, I have become sexually attracted to 12-13 year-olds. There's this girl I really really like, but she's twelve years old.
I'm frightened to even speak to her. I think I've become somewhat of a stalker since I've spent countless afternoons hanging out to spy on her and her friends. I'm scaring myself with this behavior, but I can't control myself.
Not only is it very frightening to even think of confessing to her at all, but the fact that she's younger and her reaction to all of this really scares my thoughts. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I just lie in my closet alone crying because I feel lonely and I don't want guys as friends but girls, since guys around here typically don't give a damn about anything.
I need someone to love me since no one around here seems to understand me at all.
Dude, you're only 14. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend your time listening to your hormones telling you that you're in love. Wait until you're at least out of high school to try and find a serious relationship. Trust me, this is coming from a guy who just got into college.
Thank you sir for this inspiring advice.
It's just so hard to make hormones shut the fuck up. (´ー｀)
at least you have a girlfriend at 14.
age = years w/out etc.
Ditto >>2. You're going through screwy teenage hormone things. We all were there (well, those of us old enough to be over them, anyway). Just realize that that's what's happening and you're halfway on the way to conquering them.
As for the 12-year-old girl... I don't think you can really be a pedophile at age 14, but whatever. Just don't actually do anything sexual with her, okay? And talk to her; don't stalk her. After all, what would scare you more; some creepy stranger talking to you, or some creepy stranger silently following you and watching your every move? Besides, what's the worst that could happen, you'll get turned down again? Well, you already survived that once, right? You can do it again.
Have heart, young >>1!
I was a pedo when I was 14. Seven year old girls and such.
>>6
The whole ephebophilia thing is all semantics. By definition, ephebophilia is the attraction to adolescents. Well, even if he is not a legal adult quite yet, he is still an ephebophile because he has an attraction to an adolescent. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. But I do agree on the whole "not doing anything sexual" thing.
>>7
...(o_O)
Thanks for the advice, >>6-san.
I just realized that stalking was a huge mistake in the first place and she might be scared. I'm going to try to talk to her tomorrow when I see her again. Wish me luck!
Good luck and Benoist!
I'm sorry if this is making you feel bad, but listen up, >>1-san.
I can understand you feel loneliness. Really. However, that is not a reason good enough to stalk anyone. As you wrote in >>9, you have realized that stalking her was wrong. That's good. But it was very wrong. You say that you really, really like her, how could you then do such a thing? It is offending and disturbing. If you do talk to her, who knows, maybe you'd start with a relationship together; wouldn't it bother your mind knowing that you used to stalk her close to the beginning of your relationship? Would you ever dare telling her?
This is probably me overreacting. You're 14 years old, she's 12. I don't like to say that age matters, but it does, it does. You don't often hear about relationships that started at such a young age, huh? The fact that you were stalking her also makes me not able to consider this to ever become anything serious.
I don't think you need a girlfriend. You say you feel lonely. Okay. You know, many guys are okay people. Sure, many are idiots also. Hah! But I don't think you need to interact with girls. It's just something you're thinking. What you need are some nice real life friend(s) that are willing to listen and give advice when there's something you need to talk about. You seem like a smart boy, I'm sure you'll be able to make friends if you only try.
Regarding the friends issue, I live in the province of Quebec and people here mainly speak French, which is a hard language for me to express myself in. Plus, even if I tell them about it, all they do is point, laugh, and call me a pedophile.
All my English-speaking friends go to an English school and we rarely speak to each other due to lack of time. When we do, we do so online and they seem to think what I mean is serious.
As for the whole stalking issue, I feel very guilty about doing so and I never should have in the first place. I only did it because I wanted to be in her presence as much as possible. Now that I've realised my mistake, does that mean I should forget about her?
If I know what I did was wrong and I regret it, I can admit it easily to her.
Next thing is the age problem. I do admit 12 years old is young for a relationship, same for 14. She's just so gorgeous and smart and kind, I don't want to let her go. I get attached so easily that letting go is a hard thing to do.
All I want out of this is someone to care for the same way I care for myself. Isn't that what life is all about?
Whatever you do, don't move to Quebec... it's hell on Earth. (Trust me, I wonder why the fuck I was born here, it's a joke of a province. :/)
>>12>Plus, even if I tell them about it, all they do is point, laugh, and call me a pedophile.
To me, it is impossible to call someone under 15 or so a pedophile. If they do, disregard it, it's ridiculous!
Also, I felt the same way as you many times throughout highschool. I'm still in highschool now (17yrs old), but graduating this year, so I can remember how it was at about 14. Whatever happens, do not worry too much because you really do have your whole life ahead of you. For example, remember an embarassing situation you had a few years ago. Chances are, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did when it occurred, and most people who saw it probably forgot about it, or can laugh about it with you. I did some pretty stupid things involving girls when I was younger, but because I made stupid embarassing mistakes, I learned a bit and can laugh about those experiences.
Also, it's not like stalking her is a big problem. You always hear about those old husband-wife tales where one of them reminisces, "Oh honey, remember when we first met? I was so shy I couldn't talk to you, so I ended up stalking you for a [insert time period] before I built up the courage!" "mutual laughter and reminiscences". You're still just a kid, and anything you do now can be regarded as a "stupid, kid thing". I'm not trying to be derogatory here. "stupid, kid thing" includes stupid acts that can get you suspended, embarassing situations with girls, breaking a bone due to some daredevil act - anything. I've done a lot of stupid kid things over the years, and I do quite a few even now, but I always keep my outlook high!
So stalking her as a kid isn't a big problem. Now, if you were like 30 and stalked a girl before asking her out, I can see how that memory looming in your mind might be a problem. You could probably never confront her. Because at 30 you're supposed to know better, and not do "stupid, kid things". And you learn how not to do them by instead doing them as a kid. You learned now what not to do later, so don't feel too bad! Feel bad enough not to do it again, but know that you're normal.
Just think! It may be a big deal now, but it won't be a big deal in the future! If you don't act, you might regret forever, wondering about what could have been.
This is all the advice I can give you. Life hasn't always worked out for me, but I can always try to think on the bright side from time to time.
P.S. Ontario sucks too
>>1-san, I've been in your exact position before. Exact.
I am a 15 year old highschool student. Actually, I'm homeschooled now. But, when in highschool, I feel that I fell in love with a girl, much like you did. I wanted nothing but her, I was completly in love with her, and I would die for her in an instant. This was me being foolish. It was 6th grade that I fell in love with her. At the end of 6th grade, she walked home, to her house, with a good friend of mine. I know this because I often stalked her.
I then got caught. She hated me, and never spoke to me agian. However, you know your stalking faults, so I will not speak of this anymore.
Sometime recently, I beleive even at age 15 I'm definatly a pedophile of somesort. Girl from 8-16 I like. I am not that twisted to do something sexual to young girl, but I do like them, much like you.
Anyway, I loved the girl for 4 years untill I finally gave up last year. As soon as I gave up on her, I was even more lonely than before - then I did the whole "I don't give a shit about anything" thing, and even lost interest in things like games and anime. I did the fucking retarded teenage "grunge" movement and tried to fit in with the cool kids that did pot. This wasn't my thing, and I soon returned to my normal hobbies. Almost a week afterwards, I found the perfect girl for me. Her looks are absolutely perfect, exactly what I've wanted. She's very sweet, very loving, very mature, very smart. We share common interests. She's pretty funny to, I'm comfortable around her, and everything is shining and perfect. We've been together almost 7 months now, and it's all I could want out of life.
But, while in "love" with the first girl, I though I'd die a virgin and that she was the only one meant for me.
The moral of the story: There are other fish in the sea, no matter how hard it is to beleive or accept. Right now, my current girlfriend, I couldn't imagine life without her. I can't beleive in a life without her, but I know one exists. Beleiving/wanting and knowing are two different things, and you must be strong.
sniff sniff What is this that is running down my cheek? sniff It's coming out at a incredibly high rate...sniff sniff T-T T-T TOT
You're a hypochondriac.
Thank you for summarizing most of my first post.
I need to talk to her, but in the tiny window of time we see each other daily, most of the time the stupid bus arrives too early and she runs to the bus before I have time to say anything.
mmmmm
Posting in sob story forums isn't good for you.
I should know. I've only been here for a few days, and already I feel depressed about a month-old split with a former friend ;_;