Project Evolution (98)

1 Name: Subject No. 0 : 2009-07-28 22:18 ID:wC65Bq4Q

On this board there are many threads where posters give advice and encouragement on varying aspects of the other posters romantic lives. This advice and encouragement deals with a wide range of subjects and situations. While there are some success stories that occasionally lift the spirits of those who post or lurk here, the vast majority end in failure and only serve to deepen our collective despair and sense of hopelessness.

The advice given in these threads, while helpful, mostly deals with strategies and single situation advice for dealing with those of the opposite or appealing sex. While it may help to solve the problems of the moment it does not help with the root of the problem. Many of us find ourselves alone not only because we were dealt a cruel hand in life (little contact with women, no income, etc.) but because we ourselves have many flaws and short comings that, far too often, we are not willing to admit to ourselves. These faults in our character are perhaps the greatest hindrance to our success. I, like many here, am possessed of several character faults that hold me back from reaching my goal.

My greatest weakness is that I am like a blank slate, the real world equivalent of a Lvl 1 character. While a Lvl 1 character may be able to beat a low level boss, 99 times out of 100 they will be soundly defeated. However a “Lvl 1” also has room for great growth. I intend to embark upon a quest of personal growth. However I would not let this quest be of benefit only to myself.

Thus I introduce Project Evolution. Project Evolution is the name that I have chosen for this venture. Evolution is the process by which a species, over time, removes the useless or detrimental traits it processes while enhancing or adding to those that are beneficial. This is exactly what I intend to do here. I shall attempt to remove those traits that make me week while improving and adding to those that make me stronger. I feel that we all possess this potential for personal evolution. I intent to chronicle my attempts here in this thread so that others may learn from it and if they wish provide advice. At least once a week I will provide an update detailing my progress, setbacks, dealings with women, and how my improvements has enhanced said interactions. To begin with I will provide my stats to give a general image of who I am now. To gain the most knowledge possible I would encourage others to participate in Project Evolution. This way we can gain the maximum amount of information, drawing on the experience of individuals of different lifestyles, social classes, genders, and the like.

To participate simply make an introductory post to this thread containing your states (using the format below) and an introductory journal entry describing your current situation. After that simply provide a regular updates at least once a week and stats updates as you see fit. So as to keep track of who is who please take a subject number starting with 1 and moving up from there (please use your number for your posting name as well). Any participation will be appreciated.

Stats
Subject No.(Next Number in Line)
Sex: Male / Female
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual / Bi sexual / Homosexual / Celibate
Age: (Your Age)
Nationality: (Your Nationality)
Education: (Your Level of Education (If in College Your Major))
Work: Yes / No (What You Do)
Income: (Fill in Income per Month)
Living Situation: Parents / Alone / Roommate
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: Yes / No
On Computer: (Fill in Hours a Day)
Weight: (Fill in Weight)
Smoke: Yes / No
Drink: Yes / No
Drugs: Yes / No
Virgin: Yes / No
Physical Experience: (Describe your physical experience with other people such as hugging, kissing, etc.)
Style: (How u usually dress)
Friends: (Describe your social circle)
Activities: (what do you do)
Skills: (Your skill set)
Extras: (Anything else we should know)

I shall soon post my own info and introductory post under the Subject No.0. Let us all do our best and hope for success.

49 Name: Subject No. 01 : 2009-10-03 09:12 ID:Bx4i63vf

Its nice to hear that everybody is doing something for themselves. Hang in there everyone!

Time for another one of my sporatic updates. So far being a spontaneous, but semi-competent club leader has forced me to open up. I've had to talk to a lot of people about so many things, whether its administrative or club activity related. I even find it easier talking to some of the cuter girls in the club. Still, I know I'm still not confident or brave enough to ask any of them out. I'm not sure if I even have the qualifications to be a good boyfriend at this point Orz.

Although, through one of my out of the blue projects I created for the club I got into contact with one of the girls. So far at this point its just friendly back and forth emails. I'm really nervous though. I think I might be coming off as a little eccentric or otaku-ish! I really hope I'm making a good impression...

50 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-03 14:07 ID:NdRvti4L

Well, what kind of signs do you have to base your standing with this girl? Does she seem friendly and receptive? Are you able to hold a conversation?

If everything's been going well so far, then just go with it and enjoy the ride. Don't start overthinking things. You must let go and trust your feelings. However, don't expect anything to happen either. It's a delicate balance, I know. As you build a rapport with this girl, your confidence should build as well. I wouldn't say ask her out, but just try to get her to spend some time with you first, see if there's truly anything there, then eventually you'll have to see her alone as well if you haven't by then. I know seeing each other one on one can be intimidating at first, especially if she's shy as well, so I would recommend a group setting for the first encounter outside of the club. Good luck.

Hey, you're the guy that can cook, right? Maybe you can setup a potluck dinner with the club members and display your culinary skills.

51 Name: Subject No. 5 : 2009-10-04 09:52 ID:kTc/h/Yt

Good luck to ya, 00. It really seems like you know what you're doing, and everyone else seems to have said anything worth saying, so I'll do my part and believe that your efforts will be rewarded somehow.

Anyhow, it's about time I made another entry...

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Entry No. 3
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I got a job! I start training on Monday. It's a receptionist position that should be pretty simple, hopefully. With this, I'll start saving money with even more vigilance. At some point, I want to take a trip to go see my friends in various places. While I'd like a new PC and at least one of the latest generation's gaming consoles, I think it's important that I spend my youth on things that I'll look back on without regret.

Life really feels like it moves slower after college. The anxiety I felt when doing a paper the hour before a deadline feels weird as a memory. I wonder if that friend of mine that no longer returns my phone calls will feel the same way after she graduates and desperately searches for a decent job.

I think it'll soon be time for me to try finding some new friends and new romantic interests, but before that, I'd like to know what kind of person I am. I don't have any self-confidence. I have talents, but sometimes I feel like it's pointless to try. I don't feel like I have any motivation to really put in anything more than a half-hearted effort into things. What's keeping me going is the fact that I hate the idea of stagnating and doing absolutely nothing, but to only put in the minimum effort feels vaguely wasteful. I've recently started several new projects, artistic endeavors that should keep me occupied and somewhat motivated for the time being, but I think what I need is a real boost of self-confidence. I criticize myself so much in an effort to better myself that I can't find anything I create attractive anymore, but if I ever stop being so critical of my own flaws, I wouldn't be able to fix them. It's a dilemma, but eventually I'll get past it. I hope.

52 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-09 18:41 ID:9pDpka5T

Well it’s time for another update. This week was rather a boring. I mostly did school work, although I did get some reading in and that was nice. I also managed to choose the mangas I wanted to put away. I replaced the empty space with videogames, I figure those are a little more respectable than mangas, although I still have a whole 6ft book shelf full of mangas left. In the realm of money things are worse. My mom failed to get the job she was hoping for and I still haven’t found anything myself. I gave my last $12 to help cover bills.

Things with Phones weren’t so greater thins week. It wasn’t because anything bad happened between us, It was because of the emotional roller coaster I went through. I started off the week building my confidence. I was hoping I could step things up this week and try to be a little more outgoing. I spent all week psyching myself up and becoming confident. Finally Thursday rolls around, and she doesn’t come to class. Well all that confidence boosting did a 180 and swung back around the other way. My mind started going to the darkest places possible.

“I thought we were getting along, did I scare her so much she skipped class to get away.”
“Fuck, why did I even think I had a chance with someone like her.”
“Even if she doesn’t hate me, she’ll forget me by next week.”

Thoughts like this flooded my brain. I know we had been getting along but my old lack of confidence had come back with a vengeance. I was even afraid that she may have been hurt or something (I’ve always had fears like this when I don’t see people, I don’t know why, it’s just some fear left over from childhood I think). The most likely explanation is that she was sick of course.

Since I know where she works I was thinking of casually dropping by to say high and maybe invite her to get something to eat. I’m worried about wither or not this is a good idea though. On the one hand it could come off as confident that things are going well with us. On the other hand it could be just plain creepy. I’ve been trying to avoid being unintentionally creepy but I really have no idea what I’m doing. I figure I’ll go say high and talk for a bit if it’s not a problem. If she seems freaked out I’ll just leave and apologize in class for making her uncomfortable. Still she seems rather chill so I think it will be fine.

I would also like to take the time to say thank you to everyone who reads, posts, and participates in this thread. Your advice has been very helpful to me and I hope I have been able to help some of you as well. Let’s all continue to do our best in our respective attempts to improve ourselves.

53 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-09 19:21 ID:NdRvti4L

I don't think dropping by where she works is a good idea, unless she knows that you know this. It sets off my stalker flag.

>The most likely explanation is that she was sick of course.

See, you said it yourself. It's tough to control the voices in your head, I know, but you can't let them get the best of you. I find the best way to do this is to simply get your mind off the person for a little while. You'll feel better after you have. You might do something stupid otherwise, and that's the last thing you want to do. We do a lot of stupid things when our emotions are deeply involved.

Good luck with everything. Look forward to your next update.

54 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-10 20:48 ID:NdRvti4L

I wrote on M's wall, asking if she was in any shows and to let me know so I can come see her perform, because I'd figure she'd notice a wall post sooner than a message. She hasn't gotten back to me yet, but it's only been about a week. If I don't get a response, soon though, I will attempt reaching her by phone. E told me the dates of the show. It's this weekend and next weekend, but I'd rather M told me she's in it herself, when the dates are, and that she'd like to see me, unless this is what she intended, for E to tell me or for me to find out myself. It's not a big deal as long as she's just as happy to see me as I will be to see her, and putting myself out there like this fully knowing that she may not know is absolutely terrifying. And I'm bringing a flower, of course. I haven't decided when I'm going to see it though. I think once is enough, so probably the second week, closing night if I can manage it.

I have been tempted to call her a few times but I've resisted. Mostly cause she probably won't answer anyway, but I so want to talk to her.

I felt like I should step up the Facebook wall/pic/video comments. I've been holding back on these for fear of overwhelming her. I sporadically let one out now and then. I have to make sure I look interested, because I am indeed EXTREMELY INTERESTED. I asked E, and she said it was OK as long as I didn't spam her, so I left a one on her then most recent status, which was about an anime she just discovered and liked, saying it was adorable. It was a ridiculously adorable status. She responded back with a smiley.

But just last night, she posted a note about love, particularly her fears of it. She's scared of sharing secrets with someone she deeply cares about. And when she does feel that spark with someone, she becomes totally numb. This seriously distresses her. She doesn't think a relationship would go very well with anyone it seems.

I too am deathly afraid of sharing deep secrets with someone I truly care about, ESPECIALLY someone I have feelings for. I'm afraid of being judged by them (being completely inexperienced and much of the other stuff I've posted) so I sort of understand where she's coming from with that. However, I've never "clicked" with anyone. They don't give me a chance to. I'm not gorgeous like she is. She holds all the cards. She could get anyone she wants, but I don't know if she knows that herself.

It's a little difficult to understand, not sure if she's actually experienced this or she has only thought it. Whether this is about me or someone else, or no one in particular, I'm pretty certain there is someone else in the picture, and I won't be one-upped this time. Should I say something about what she wrote?

I'm really in it deep with her now.

I just commented on her most recent status, saying it was kawaii. Because she watches anime, it's safe to use, I think.

Oh, I found out closing night is the same night as the costume ball, so I guess she won't be going. But since she doesn't know I know this, I'm going to ask anyway if I don't hear from her about the show soon.

On the homefront, any time I bring up changing things around with my dad, he becomes extremely hostile. My mom just seems to be numb to everything. Recently, the gas company came to install a new meter. We put this off for as long as possible, but they finally gave an ultimatum: let us in to change the meter or we cut off your gas. Well, they were missing a part and couldn't install the new meter, and my dad didn't think to tell them turn the water heater back on before they left, so we've been without hot water for about 3 weeks now. That means NO SHOWERS. We tried lighting it, but it won't stay on. Luckily, I go to Chinese school with my friend almost every week and her family has been kind enough to allow me to shower there, but I feel bad about this. It shouldn't have to work this way.

Continued

55 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-10 20:51 ID:NdRvti4L

The most likely cause of the problem is the thermocoupler. Basically, it's a fail safe so gas doesn't leak into the house. However, my dad tried to relight the pilot with a blowtorch, so he probably fucked the entire thing, like cutting vegetables with a machete, which would mean we'd need a new water heater, and money's tight as it is. I read a post on a message board that supports this outcome, but might as well try the "easier" solution first, except it probably would be easier to just replace the whole damn thing in this case, but not cheaper.

Maybe this part should go in Personal instead.

In a normal house, I'd have no problem trying to fix this myself, but not here. The floor is absolutely filthy with wet newspaper, looks more like the dirtiest paper mâché you've ever seen. The floor beneath your feet goes "squish, squish" most of the time. Sometimes it actually gets fairly dry.

Many years ago, the sewage line burst between the basement and ground level. so we've been without a practical sewage system ever since. The line is from the upstairs bathroom, and it had been leaking for some time before we discovered it. My dad hooked up a "temporary" solution, but it's been "temporary" for years. His idea of a temporary solution is one that lasts just as long and doesn't require the effort of a REAL SOLUTION. He HALF ASSES EVERYTHING. It's basically a plastic sewage pipe tied to the broken sewage line and stuck in the downstairs toilet. It's not even tied that well. There's a significant gap of few inches between the two pipes. The idea is the force of the water flushes the other toilet. This doesn't always work, which means raw sewage spills out onto the floor, into the living room, and finds its way to the basement through what's left of the bathroom wall.

I was already quite a germ freak. I never liked getting my hands dirty when working on cars, but I managed to get over this enough to work on them, as it's impossible to avoid, but grease and grime are nothing compared to raw sewage or decay. My father's hoarding has multiplied my adverse reaction to dirt and grime. So this is why I refuse to get into a prone position to touch that damn water heater. I found a way to light the pilot without getting down, but it doesn't matter, cause it won't stay lit. Otherwise I am working blind, groping for parts. It's not easy to do without a visual.

Either this won't be fixed for a long time, or it will never be fixed. I'm betting it'll never be, but I'm hoping I'm not right. I can't take living like this much longer. What's next to fucking go?

Oh, and calling someone to fix it isn't an option. My dad HATES hired labor and absolutely REFUSES to let anyone in the house, for obvious reasons. But even when things weren't bad, he was like this. However, he had a stroke a long time ago and lost the function of his left arm and leg up to his thigh, so he hasn't been capable of fixing shit himself for a LONG time, yet he still insists this is the only way. Only recently did he start conceding car repairs to a garage.

There are many other things wrong with the house due to neglect that I'm not getting into right now and might not, depending on if it's relevant to this discussion.

Yeah, I know, why don't I just move out? Well that requires a JOB with a LIVING WAGE. At $8 an hour, I can't live on my own. I'm in a prison with no bars and no guards. My guilty conscience prevents me from notifying the authorities, as well as the fact that our neighbors hate us and they'd LOVE to see us busted for something or some grave misfortune to fall upon us. I'd be a traitor. But maybe when I'm out of here I can do that, and I've made this known to my parents it will happen.

Continued

56 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-10 20:54 ID:NdRvti4L

It's not like I haven't been looking for a job though. I can't even get hired at the local pharmacy though. I never get any responses to any applications I fill out or resumes I send. Although, I could be looking better and more. Job hunting is just so depressing though. I don't need more of that shit. I've considered having my resume professionally revised, but it's expensive. I looked into it and need to think it over. Basically, I would need two different ones. One targeted towards jobs related to my career, and one targeted at just getting a fucking "job" job.

My environment is a HUGE contributor to my depression, causing a vicious cycle and the self-fulfilling prophecy to go on endlessly. Happiness does not exist within these walls, nor love.

I'm sorry this is such a long update, but as you see, I live a very complicated life. No, "I'm sorry's" or "sucks to be you's" please. Those say to me, "whoa, glad I'm not YOU!"

57 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-10 23:21 ID:XgpG7EkD

SN10,I must say it sucks to be you @_@'

Joke aside, it sucks to be alive, so you are in good company. Well, I guess you don't give a dam about that, do you? ^_^ Apart from all that negativity, I must congratulate you on the smiley she sent you, I can only speculate on the magnitude of the internal struggle that led to the emission of that single ideogram. This back patting being complete, I must warn you that you should not underestimate the fuckness of her circumstances. Having a nice face is no protection against life shittiness and internal mindfuck. If she complains, assume she has good reasons to. After all, if it was so easy, she would have solved her problems long ago, don't you think? Thing is, you both seem to be love idealists. That makes things even more complicated, but at least you should understand each other quite well...

As for the home front, it seems to me things are pretty simple,if not easy. Your father is in full dereliction mode, and on a mission to crash through the bottom of the pit he threw himself in. Likewise, your mother seems to be waiting for something to crack, and dutifully doing nothing until then. Because you seem to have decided to not leave the house (you should realize that this is a decision, and take responsibility for having taken it), I think it's way past time that you kill your father. Of course, I mean the metaphoric kind of killing. Take over the running of the house. Just check that your mother won't oppose you, and then relieve your father from household responsibilities. You don't have to be confrontational about it, it's enough to be assertive and act. He's way too weak to resist you in any practical way, although he'll give you hell just for sports. You live in that house, so you have the right to do what is needed to make it a livable place. I don't know how the money enters your household, but it would be good to secure the access to the lines of income, at least as much as possible (your mother's welfare, if not your father's). Your mother could be your ally. She seems to be a wimp, so you should get there with some diplomatic arm twisting. You should also establish some strict rules about where your father can hoard his junk, and parts of the house which are commons and hence forbidden for junkyard purposes.

As for your application documents, why don't you publish them so that we have a look at it? Obviously you should anonymize the parts that could lead to your identification, but without taking so much that it renders the exercise worthless. I can't promise anything will pan out of this, but at least you may hire one or two brains to provide you with useful input without disbursing much. Use something like google docs to convert your CV, resume, etc into an online format.

Finally, since I feel whimsical and you spend your daily 6 hours in front of the computer, why don't you waste some of that time reading about personality types as defined by the enneagram model?
http://www.internationalenneagram.org/system_and_types/index.html#subtypes

Read about the different personality types, and try to find where do you see yourself fitting the best. I'm pretty confident it will be the personality type 6, but see for yourself. If interested, you can see typical patterns of alienation or development for type 6 personalities:
http://www.enneagramspectrum.com/styles/style6.htm

It's not like this is going to save your butt, but you may feel somewhat relieved to see that your dysfunctional life and personality fit into well known patterns. This may in turn make you try to learn of adapted strategies to get out of your hole. At the worst, you will be somewhat entertained, it's quite fun stuff, like reading your horoscope for laughs ^_^

58 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-13 16:54 ID:9pDpka5T

Well, In the end I did not go see Phones at work. Like No.10 said that would be creepy and she was probably just sick. I've been doing a lot better since then.

I got a small bit of practice with a girl at the local organic supermarket. She was a cute red head working the bags at the register. Our eyes met when I got in line. When I looked at her again I caught her looking at me and this made me smile. To my surprise she smiled back and quickly looked away. I figured I'm to big of a coward to take this to far but why not play for a bit. I spent the next little while making eyes with this girl. It went well and when I left I told her to have a nice day with my best smile, she seemed to like that. I guess the moral of this is that its good to smile at people for real. It was a huge confidence booster.

Still, I'm starting to be a little nervous about Phones again. Its not crippling and mind numbing like last time, but it is a nagging little voice. The odd thing is I'm not just afraid of getting rejected, I think I'm also afraid of her liking me back. I think "What if this works and we start going out just for her to realize I'm boring." Still This is just a small concern I'm trying to ignore. I think what I feel most of all is impatience. I cant wait for Thursday so I can see her again. ^___^ I think things may actually be heading back up hill for me. I've had enough bad luck with romance and I think it my be my turn for once.

59 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-13 20:22 ID:NdRvti4L

>>57
Negative! I cannot do that. You are living in a fantasy world. It's too late. I can't do this on my own. I need help and they're not going to pitch in. One person could not possibly tackle this on his or her own. I have assumed quite a bit responsibility, but there are many things I refuse to do, and reprimand them over. It's not my fucking house. The deed isn't in my name. I refuse to allow them to pass all responsibility on to me, and they certainly would if I did.

I would have no idea how to secure the lines of income. My mother works for a fast food joint. I have told her many times she could do better. She has useful skills, but she hates computers, and this is pretty much what holds her back from a better job. She's also preoccupied with caring for my younger, autistic brother and my aging father who I for the most part, won't touch with 10ft pole, and I've become increasingly adverse with caring for my brother. My father is retired. They are waiting for his disability to come through, because he had an accident at work not too long before he considered retirement. I do not know if this is what you meant, but we are not on welfare. We are working poor. We live paycheck to paycheck. If you meant the other kind of welfare, then I don't understand what you're trying to say. My mother is not an ally. She is an enemy. She is an enabler. She is weak and of no use. She has learned to be helpless and is awaiting rescue that will never come. Her only focus is to survive. I want to THRIVE. There is a big difference. She is of no use as far as changing things. She used to keep my dad's hoarding in check, but after he had a stroke, she just stopped and slowly the junk continued to come in and amass and pile up everywhere, along with repairs to the house, but those are relatively more recent.

It's a choice only in the sense that there is always another option, but this alternative was EXTREMELY unfavorable. My friend however offered me not too long ago to talk to her mom about getting me out and taking me in. I told her to hold off on that just yet. I had to see if this was a completely hopeless situation, and I'm pretty convinced it is now, so I'm considering talking to her about it. I have problems accepting random acts of kindness. It's a foreign and unnatural concept to me, at least receiving it is.

I have read up on how to handle this, but every time I confront with the suggested methods, there is either no reaction or he tells me to leave. The other times, I'm downright hostile, and that of course gets nothing done. He loves his fucking junk more than any of us. I am probably too emotionally involved to confront. And as long as I live here, I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM as well, and therefore, my opinions matter much less than someone looking in from the outside. My older brother has his own place with a good job. He's married and just had a kid recently. He doesn't want to deal with this though. I talked to him about confronting, but he just sees me as an annoyance. He deals with us like an extension of his work, like a fucking business. He doesn't want to deal with it, and his wife wants nothing to do with the family cause of it, and in turn neither does he, cause he obeys her every word. Confrontation requires many people in this case, and if I'm the only one that gives a fuck, who's going to help me?

I am not at all comfortable with publishing my resume, even with all the personally identifying information omitted.

I find the enneagram type descriptions so vague, that I could identify with nearly all of them somehow, someway. Granted, some a little more than others. You are basing your diagnosis of me on what you've read in this thread from me most likely, and that's very little to base anything off of. I also steer clear from self-diagnosis. As if you are looking for something or a problem, you will find EXACTLY what you're looking for if you spend enough time.

Continued

60 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-13 20:26 ID:NdRvti4L

She didn't send me a smiley TO me. she commented on her own status with it. She has yet to write on my wall or comment on a picture. I don't know why. But I need to start stepping things up with her, even if it's just something small, like this. I don't care if she's screwed up, and yes, it does help to be pretty, at least there's a chance people will actually approach you. We're all fucked up, just to varying degrees and some people handle it better than others. I don't care if she is, I am too, so who am I to judge? And I'm going to get her. I will succeed this time! I cannot fail!

I don't think it took as much effort to respond with a smiley as much as it has to see me in person, three times, or as much effort as it will to invite me to this show she's in, cause it highly unlikely I will go without an invite. I need to know she wants to see me, so it's not awkward or creepy even when I show up with a flower for her. The event's been posted on Facebook, but she hasn't invited me yet. If I don't hear anything from her by next week, I will have to contact her again. I should've just asked her if she wanted to go the Halloween Ball instead of just mentioning it to see if she would express interest. Not like she can go anyway though. I'll bet she hasn't even read the message.

Since my last post, I consulted with E what to do about M's post. She could identify with it and told me to do what I felt was right, so I left a comment, saying that even though I can't understand what M's going through, because I'm not her, I've been there and have an idea what it's like. I also said to find someone to talk to and that I would listen if she would like to talk to me and closed by saying she'd be getting a bigger, longer hug from me next time we see each other.

Even though I put myself out there a little bit by saying I've been through some similar things, this unfortunately probably leaves me open to friendzonage. If I was going to leave myself totally open for assault, it certainly would not be in a public Facebook message. I'm not comfortable with showing my vulnerabilities. I have been taken advantage of by doing so nearly every time. I probably should've said something like love involves risk and no one is ever truly ready, no matter how they feel, but it's too late to say this now. It'll look weird if I post another comment on that note. This is unfortunately the best way to contact her and assures the best chance she'll receive my message promptly. If I send a personal message, it'll sit in her inbox till she finally gets around to reading it, and by then it might be too late. Time is of the essence. Timing is everything in these things. She's been posting lots of updates recently, as well as a video and some pics, but I have resisted the urge to comment. As I don't want to be saying something about everything she posts. That could come off stalker-like. One of her recent statuses involved being annoyed with people saying certain things over and over again, running them into the ground. This might refer to the comments on her note, but I can't be sure.

There was a martial arts demonstration I saw once with a knife and the instructor said, "a knife is like a woman. Hold onto her too tight, and you'll suffocate her. But if you hold her too loose..." He swipes the knife from his assistant in one swift motion and puts him in a hold with the knife against him. "She'll leave you for another man."

Well, that's what I need to achieve, balance, and I have a problem determining this with women, ESPECIALLY when there's little to no personal FEEDBACK to base anything off of. I can't go around interpreting every thing is directed towards me, because I will go frickin' crazy then. If it works out with her, it's all worth it. I understand what I may have to go through, but it's all worth it for her. You meet people like her once in a lifetime, if you're lucky.

61 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-13 20:28 ID:NdRvti4L

>>58

>The odd thing is I'm not just afraid of getting rejected, I think I'm also afraid of her liking me back. I think "What if this works and we start going out just for her to realize I'm boring."

I have that same fear. I don't know which I fear worse. All I can say is to live in the moment and not focus on the future in this instance. No sense in speculating if nothing happens, right?

>I've had enough bad luck with romance and I think it my be my turn for once.

I also feel this way, but don't let it turn into a sense of entitlement. That will get you nowhere.

Good luck.

62 Name: Subject No. 00 : 2009-10-13 23:02 ID:ejF1EASi

>>61

I definitely will not let it turn into a sense of entitlement. Its more of a feeling like "Ok I've failed enough times that I can see some of the places that I have messed up before. And besides, statistically speaking I should have some form of success soon." I think the events in the organic food store show that its not impossible for me to interact with women on a more than friendly level.

Sense you bringing up martial arts in relation to women there is something that I learned that may help you. You say that you are afraid to let people see your weakness. A smart worrier knows that by intentionally leaving one weakens open , he can provoke the enemy to attack it. Knowing how the enemy will attack the worrier can then counter and thus achieve victory. This works with women to. A man can some times show a small vulnerability to a women to make her feel closer to him. A man with no vulnerabilities is perfect, an nobody likes a perfect person, they just make others jealous. Its the character flaws that make people interesting. We don't love Bat Man because he is perfect, we love him because he is damaged but still keeps going no mater what.

63 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-14 02:50 ID:NdRvti4L

>>62
Hey, I didn't mean any offense by it. I understand how you feel. I feel and think the same way. I've screwed up enough times and hopefully learned from my mistakes that hopefully, I won't screw up this time. No, I won't screw up this time. It will happen.

And it's good you flirted with the girl. I flirted with some girl at a pizza place while I was stuck on my parents' "vacation." I smiled at the girl and she smiled back, and it's very hard for me to smile. I always feel it's not genuine and I hate my own smile and how my teeth aren't perfectly white. This could partly be fixed by better oral hygiene, but it takes me anywhere from 45 - 55 minutes to floss, and that's with one of those wands.

Have you read The Art of War? You're absolutely right about flaws. Many of my favorite characters I like because they're so messed up. And that includes Batman. That's why I can't stand Superman. He's too damn perfect, and he could easily be turned into a character with a whole lot more depth. The Matrix sequels largely failed because Neo was made to be too damn infallible of a character. Prince Zuko is so awesome because he's so damn conflicted.

Well, do you think I've left enough of an opening? I would think the messaging we did at first showed something, but I guess not. I suppose the next step after my last post would be to just tell her, when I get the chance.

64 Name: Subject No. 11 : 2009-10-15 00:44 ID:fAn4DIT5

Stats
Subject No.11
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Pansexual
Age: 16
Nationality: American
Education: Highschool
Work: Yes- Student~
Income: None. :/
Living Situation: Parents
Knows How to Drive but does not own a Car
On Computer: Two hours
Weight: 195lbs/84kg
Smoke: No
Drink: No
Drugs: No
Virgin: Yes-Men / No-Women

Physical Experience: With most of my close friends I feel very comfortable holding hands or sitting with our arms around each other. I love physical contact, even if it's just standing close enough to touch with a friend. I'm a teenager, so of course I've been to those 'spin-the-bottle' parties, and I've kissed more people than I'd like to. Unlike a lot of my friends, I'd rather not aimlessly make out if you're feeling that 'need'. I'd rather have feeling behind it. :/ I haven't been very far with boys, but I guess it's easier with girls when your parents don't know you're gay.

Style: Anything that's really comfortable. I like dressing up, but only if it's comfortable. I'm pretty tall and don't like wearing heels, or uncomfortable shoes. I don't mind fitted shirts, as long as they are not too tight. I have somewhat of a belly, which makes me nervous to wear tight shirts. I'm not in the 'latest fashions' but I'm also not onto the old ones. I wear what I like. c; What's the use of being uncomfortable all day just so that some people you'll never meet think you're well-dressed?

Friends: I don't have that one friend that you can tell anything to, but I have one close one, and a lot of people that I know I could say hello to, and they'd reply, but they wouldn't ask me to their house or anything. I'd love to have really close friends, but unfortunately, people don't like getting too close to me. I used to have a close circle of friends, or at least I thought I did. However, since they didn't want to tell me much, I kept telling them about me, until they knew me so well, and I barely knew them. These friends wouldn't invite me places, until the only times I saw them was when I invited them places or at school. Eventually I told them this, more than once, since it never got better, and so I told them I wouldn't try anymore, such as inviting them places. They were really hurt at this, saying I was 'the one that I knew wouldn't complain' if I was left behind, so I said I didn't want to be friends. And I left them behind. That's where we are now, we don't talk much, and they're still kind of pissed off with me. It's tough because they were a large part in my life, even though I was treated poorly.

Activities: I'm really into music, I'm in the band, jazz band, brass and wood wind quintets, marching band, symphony orchestra, pretty much anything instrument related at the school and I'm there. I also enjoy swimming, tennis, and soccer, though I don't have much time with school work, and band.

Skills: I'm very good at thinking clearly in a situation, unless it's something that I myself have to act towards. (Like confessing to someone) I'm averagely blessed in academics, but I'm able to see all sides of a situation or argument. I'm terribly loyal, but at the same time, I want to help someone. If they tell me that they're doing drugs, I'll try to break them of their habit, and if I can't do it, I'll let someone else know. This might be the reason some people avoid me, since I try to help, instead of sympathizing with them. No teenage girl will want to tell you what's wrong, if they know they're going to help you get better.

Extras: If you want to see my situation now, look at one of the other threads in the romance section, the Guy-fried help :/, thread, which is mine. I seem to like the very tragic romance, where there's no chance for me to be liked in return.

65 Name: Subject No. 11 : 2009-10-15 00:48 ID:fAn4DIT5

(1st post was too long)

Changes- I'd like to be more affable, I suppose. I'm tired of people avoiding me, or hating me because I tell them that they treat me like shit. There are some physical things I'd like to change too, but it's hard to be one of the 'cute' girls when you're tall, very broad-shouldered, and muscular. :/ If I can't be more likable to people, I'd like to at least not care when I get rejected again and again. I want to have someone where I can tell everything to, and not have to worry about rejection

66 Name: Subject No. 12 : 2009-10-15 14:49 ID:6MLRG7Kc

I meant to post this a while ago, so I guess I'll just do it now. I'll divide it.

Subject No. 12
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Age: 18
Nationality: African-American
Education: High School Graduate
Work: No
Income: $0.00
Living Situation: Parents
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: No (Working on it, slowly)
On Computer: Takes up a lot of my time.
Weight: 220 lb (I'm 6'1", and also I want to lose weight)
Smoke: No
Drink: No
Drugs: No
Virgin: Yes
Physical Experience: I've been hugged a few times, but nothing other than that.
Style: I dress in clothes that feel comfortable.
Friends: I haven't had contact with anyone I've known in High School for a few months now.
Activities: Listen to music, watch anime/read manga, browse, play games, and occasionally, draw.
Skills: Okay with drawing, decent with tennis... I've also have 3 years of experience using programs like Photoshop and GIMP to make small designs (mainly backgrounds).

67 Name: Subject No. 12 : 2009-10-15 15:01 ID:6MLRG7Kc

Extras: I graduated last June, and I still have no idea what I really want to do. At the moment, I want to find a job so I can save up for college, which I plan on going to next year. I've also grown rather lonely since graduation and I haven't had much contact with other people offline in quite some time. I haven't had much luck when it comes to relationships, either. I also have some self-esteem issues, which may or may not be related. I've been job hunting since before I graduated, and I still haven't found anything. When I was still in school, getting a job didn't seem that bad. Lately, I've been finding myself afraid to do just that... Although I miss social interaction with others, I seem to be scared to leave my "comfort" zone.

My problems may also stem from the fact that I have very, very little motivation to do anything. I'm also become rather close-minded when others try to help me... I always try to make excuses for things, which just wastes whatever time that they have.

Changes: I want to become more confident in myself. I want to be a little more out-going with life. I know for a fact that it doesn't just come to me, yet I sit here and do nothing about it. Joining this would help me keep track of my own process and help you guys as well with the little experience I have.

68 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-15 22:27 ID:9pDpka5T

Hay everyone I really don't have the heart for a long update today. Firstly Id like to welcome No.11 and No.12, I hope we can all help each other out.

Things with Phones were shit this week. She came back to class today, Terns out she was just sick. We had a rather good time talking and working togeather. I was at the top of my game. No anxiety or any thing. Unfortunately as we were leaving class the course of our conversation lead to the discovery that she had a boyfriend. Feels like shit. The worst part isn't that shes taken, it's that for the first time in my life I thought I could do it, get a girlfriend. The way things are now I Don't have any chance of getting a girlfriend for the rest of the semester. Its like "OK, now I know how to deal with girls, but there aren't any girls around." still I guess we could be friends. REAL friends, not "I'll just wait till they break up and then shes mine" friends. I'll post some other stuff later, need to go sulk and do work.

69 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-16 01:06 ID:NdRvti4L

I'm sorry to hear that #00. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life. I have heard of women dropping the word "boyfriend" just to discourage guys, but I think she's telling the truth. There are ways to sneak in the question of the boyfriend without just flat out saying it. They slip my mind at this moment, however. Also, do you really think you can be her friend without it affecting you? Consider this before doing so, because once you are friends, it will be hard to not be friends, making any feelings you have for her that much harder on you. You may become the guy she turns to with all her relationship problems.

Are you in any clubs at your school? If not, you may want to consider joining one or two. It'll help in meeting people.

On my side, I noticed someone wrote on M's wall that they weren't invited. She replied that the invite thing is screwy, so there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I didn't get an invite. I'm going to call her to wish her luck, and if she doesn't answer, I'll text her, because I want to make sure she actually gets this message. Also, I'm strongly considering asking her out next time I see her, but my resolve's not as strong as it was this morning when I decided this. Mainly because my friend, E's, reaction was like, "oh wow, you'll do it?" This made me think I should wait a little longer, ask her if she wants to go to the concert with me, and then make my move after we've gone to that, I guess.

I hope I don't wind up like #00.

70 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-16 22:30 ID:9pDpka5T

At my lowest point in a while an attractive, single, female friend calls me, Out of the fucking blue. She wants to go see were the wild things are, RIGHT NOW. She called because she wanted to see it specifically with ME. She lives half a tank of gas away, a half a tank I can not afford. The only way I could see her is if my friend drives us. Ether way I'm to tied up with school shit to go tonight. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!!!

71 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-16 23:06 ID:NdRvti4L

Hang on, if this is THAT important, see if your friend will take you. It's worth a shot. You'll owe them big though. If not, what did you say to the girl your reason was you couldn't go?

72 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-23 02:59 ID:9pDpka5T

Hay. I know my last post was a downer but things are better I guess. I know today is my post day but I'm dead in the water. I'll make a real post tomorrow. For now I'll just say I'm back on the hunt, leveling heard, and getting stronger every day. I'll post for real in the mourning.

73 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-23 05:28 ID:Bx4i63vf

Hi guys, long time no report. I took a risk, and it paid off!
Although I can't go into specifics I did it! sorta! anyways I'll still be a lurker and advice giver from now on. First I gotta catch up

74 Name: Subject No. 13 : 2009-10-23 07:14 ID:6Awwro5G

Stats
Subject No.13
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Bi sexual / Celibate (I'm attracted to both, but I hadn't even kissed in, like, 3 years)
Age: 20
Nationality: Argentinian
Education: ended High School with pending coursework
Work: No
Income: $150 (around 39 USD) (unemployment benefit)
Living Situation: Parents (mom, my sister, and her boyfriend)
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: No
On Computer: 12 hours
Weight: 60
Smoke: Yes
Drink: Yes
Drugs: No
Virgin: Yes/No
Physical Experience: I had a one night stand with a girl, there was no penetration (that's why I can't answer if I'm a virgin or not)
Style: I always wear black clothes

Friends: I'm pretty selective when it comes to friends, or that's what mom says, currently I have 2 female friends I know I can rely on, one of them is my ex GF (failed relationship, I felt too embarrassed to go to second base) (let's call her friend no1) and she's the most good person I know. Then there's this other girl, she's gorgeous and I admire her very much, we have a lot of things in common, though, before I actually met her, I though she was a bad person, I got carried away by the gossips of a friend of mine (whose I'm not friends anymore, because I discovered she talks about people she doesn't actually know) (let's call her friend no2)
My high school friend was brainwashed by her mother and now she's a fanatical evangelist, it's like my old friend dissappeared

75 Name: Subject No. 13 : 2009-10-23 07:14 ID:6Awwro5G

>>74
Activities: sit at the computer and lurk /cm/ and pixiv for moar yaoi, I also do some nail art I'm going to sell with friend no2 (she designs clothes)

Skills: I didn't find any yet, I can't call nail art a skill because most of the designs aren't mine

Extras: I have a VERY BAD memory, once a therapist said it was because (and started when) my dad killed himself, around 2003, he was schizophrenic due to drug abuse. My brother got paranoid due to drug abuse and killed himself last year, in the same year my grandmother (on mom's side) died of cancer, and my mom's friends (who I loved her very much) died of cancer too, speaking of death, my older sister died of cocaine overdose when I was little.

last week I got deppressed over a mmorpg because I hadn't sleep in all night and I forgot about a portal, because of this, my friend's character almost got killed, and the douchebags who locked him in that room called me a n00b all day.
then on weekend, my mom was in a very bad mood and she screamed at me and my sister because we're lazy, my sister has a reason to be lazy, she works all day, but I don't, then I got more deppressed
at night everyone went out for dinner while I stayed here, when they came back, my (other) sister (I have 3, I'm the youngest) and my mom were arguing, I don't know over what, but my sister ended up telling her "IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE SUCH AN INCOMPETENT, USELESS DAUGHTER!!" that was the last straw, I tried not to break up into tears because it was no use, she was right.
then I decided to kill my aunt and myself, why my aunt? because she's the greedy bitch who made my father psychotic for him to kill himself and get more of my grandfather's inheritance (lots of houses), and tried on my uncles too, she wasn't the reason to kill myself though, it was because I made this reasoning:
Father, drug addict, deppressed, schizophrenic = viewed as a problem in my family
solution = kills himself
Brother, drug addict, paranoid = viewed as a problem in my family
solution = kills himself
Me, NEET, good for anything = viewed as a problem in my family
solution = I must kill myself
and since I did not want to leave this world without doing SOMETHING I thought of elimitating another of my family's problem, my greedy aunt. I had it perfetcly planned, at first I thought of buying a gun, but it would take too long (I must be 21 to buy one) and will not pass the psychology test, so I thought of buying a katana or a wakizashi, cut her throat, and kill myself on a seppuku way. now, how to met her? one of these days my sisters has to met her and my uncles to sign some papers, I'll go first and kill her.
and yes, I have thought of my family's feelings, based on the previous experience, there's a lot of grief, but eventually we moved on, I'm not that loved anyways.
I gave up when I saw my little dog, it's funny how I gave up because of my dog's feelings and not because of my family's, no one will take care of her as much as I do, and I've heard of dogs who die out of sadness because of the loss of the owner, althought I would not see that happen.

sorry for this mess, and sorry for my bad english

76 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-23 07:35 ID:Bx4i63vf

Okay so after a long reading of everything from my last post to my most recent one I have to say that I missed a whole lot.

For your individual situations I can only say do what you think is right and tell you what worked for me. This might be a little long too.

  1. Before even thinking of finding a girlfriend/boyfriend take steps to self improvement: Whether it is a job, physical appearance, or school. Do it for yourself so you don't find a girl/boy as the motivating factor. Using them as a motivation loses glory as soon as you hit a stride with them. As the army says be all you can be. Plus even if you don't want to do something force yourself to do it. "I don't feel like going to the gym today," but go anyways. Kick your own butt in gear.
  2. Put yourself out there: Get into situations that you're definately not comfortable with. Whether it is starting awkward conversations with strangers to having to stand in front of a group of people and leading them. Be an initiator and doer! I know this might seem like a snake's poisonous bite to the shy, but if you keep letting it bite you you'll develop an immunity. Again do it even if you don't want to. The next step and this one come hand in hand so 2 and 3 are worked on at the same time.
  3. Development of the aloof heart: Whatever outcome good or bad, don't care about recieveing either. If its good, then congrats. If its bad, then move on. This doesn't mean turn into a being with a heart of stone. Just know when to care and when not to. I love this quote that I read from my favorite manga GTO: "You can't spend all your time bitching and moaning about the past... cuz you cheat yourself out of the present." The human life is really too short to be dwelling in the dark past instead of creating a bright future. If ever you doubt yourself on a big choice, just say screw it and do it anyways after that deal with the consequences. Step 1's self improvement most likely will help here.
  4. Care enough, know your boundries but show that they're special: You don't have to be a saint to win a girl over, but that doesn't mean you shun them. After you built up an electronic communication line with them use it as a means of communicating if you can't directly in person. The advent of electronic contacting has made us forget and avoid the value of face to face encounters. This doesn't mean always go out of your way to see the girl/boy. Just let it happen if you see them every so often. If not, invite them to lunch or some other casual event. Thats where 2 and 3 come in handy. Be nice to them, but don't over do it. Go halfsies or have them pay for their own. Treat them every so often. As both of you build up relationship points its okay to up the ante more often too.

77 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-23 07:36 ID:Bx4i63vf

Okay so after a long reading of everything from my last post to my most recent one I have to say that I missed a whole lot.

For your individual situations I can only say do what you think is right and tell you what worked for me. This might be a little long too.

  1. Before even thinking of finding a girlfriend/boyfriend take steps to self improvement: Whether it is a job, physical appearance, or school. Do it for yourself so you don't find a girl/boy as the motivating factor. Using them as a motivation loses glory as soon as you hit a stride with them. As the army says be all you can be. Plus even if you don't want to do something force yourself to do it. "I don't feel like going to the gym today," but go anyways. Kick your own butt in gear.
  2. Put yourself out there: Get into situations that you're definately not comfortable with. Whether it is starting awkward conversations with strangers to having to stand in front of a group of people and leading them. Be an initiator and doer! I know this might seem like a snake's poisonous bite to the shy, but if you keep letting it bite you you'll develop an immunity. Again do it even if you don't want to. The next step and this one come hand in hand so 2 and 3 are worked on at the same time.
  3. Development of the aloof heart: Whatever outcome good or bad, don't care about recieveing either. If its good, then congrats. If its bad, then move on. This doesn't mean turn into a being with a heart of stone. Just know when to care and when not to. I love this quote that I read from my favorite manga GTO: "You can't spend all your time bitching and moaning about the past... cuz you cheat yourself out of the present." The human life is really too short to be dwelling in the dark past instead of creating a bright future. If ever you doubt yourself on a big choice, just say screw it and do it anyways after that deal with the consequences. Step 1's self improvement most likely will help here.
  4. Care enough, know your boundries but show that they're special: You don't have to be a saint to win a girl over, but that doesn't mean you shun them. After you built up an electronic communication line with them use it as a means of communicating if you can't directly in person. The advent of electronic contacting has made us forget and avoid the value of face to face encounters. This doesn't mean always go out of your way to see the girl/boy. Just let it happen if you see them every so often. If not, invite them to lunch or some other casual event. Thats where 2 and 3 come in handy. Be nice to them, but don't over do it. Go halfsies or have them pay for their own. Treat them every so often. As both of you build up relationship points its okay to up the ante more often too.

78 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-23 07:37 ID:Bx4i63vf

my bad for double post

5. Information: This one is short and simple, remember every freakin detail. If you don't be honest in your screw up and apologize sincrely, but hey if you can pull off forgeting as a joke kudos to you. Get the right information early so you don't find out if she's taken late in the game. Remembering minor details like her being left handed when he/she is impressive if you use it correctly, just don't be creepy about it.

6. Know your timing: Cliche I know, but it helps. Sometimes feeling like its too soon is the right time, and when its the right time it might be too late. Go with a gut feeling instead of your thoughts. You won't know the results of a jump until you actually do it. Oh if you fail, step 3. If the hole was deep, climb out. Taking risks is good, but knowing when to do it makes you wise and not reckless.

7. "Don't think, feeeel": Gotta love Bruce Lee for that one. Over analyzing a situation can put more roadblocks then the actual amount thats there. Just go with the flow. Forget if thinking what if A) then B) happens. Thats what step 1 is for. You have the ability to deal with it somehow. Preparation isn't necessarily a bad thing, but being over paranoid is. A simple go with the flow and improvisation goes a long way.

8. Be true to yourself: Before someone else can like you, you have to like yourself first. More cliches! If you're afraid of something, don't be afraid to admit it. You're only human, you're not perfect so admit it. Superman might seem perfect, but he has his own flaws despite his strengths. If you're an otaku, admit it. Be sure to know your limits and when to break them. Besides if you're hiding something more often then not it'll come out. Maybe this should be with step 1 huh? Show youre likes and dislikes openly and proudly. It makes you unique.

Thats everything that I did and picked up while not posting. It takes up a while to do all of that and a lot of patience to execute. Heck it takes a lot of patience to read all the way up to this point in my post haha. I feel like I've leveled up and "evolved" to my second form, but I still have more to go. Hope this helps and good luck

79 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-23 07:51 ID:Bx4i63vf

>>75

Subject No.13, I hate to sound rude... but are you freakin serious!? This sounded like something that needed to be up on the personal issues board.

If you intend to kill yourself thats not evolving, thats extinction >_<

All life is precious, don't waste it. You're still 20! You can do something with your life still! Don't be stupid and it now. Use your time on the Earth to make something of yourself by your own hands. And if what they say about 2012 is right, we're all screwed over equally so there you go.

80 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-24 04:08 ID:9pDpka5T

OK, so it's not the mourning but better late than never right?

No.13 I'm sorry to hear that things are going so poorly for you. Definitely listen to No.01, he has the right of it.

No. 01 I'm really glad things have worked out for you. Keep up the good work and thanks for the great advice.

Well I've mostly gotten over "phones" maybe we can be friends, maybe not. I've been working very hard to get out of the house. Sadly the only people i seem to meet are old women, mothers and couples. sadly my town has no social scene. I think I may start hanging around campus more often. As far as my evolution goes, I'm a lot more comfortable dealing with women than I used to be. I think I'll be able to make better progress now. I've also lost about 11.5 Lbs since the project started. I don't know if its because I cant afford as much food or if its because I'm actually eating better, but I don't plan to look a gift horse in the mouth. Its strange but now that Phones is a no go, rather than feeling disappointed for months, I now feel exited. I want to move on and try again. I've always thought of courtship as a lot of trouble and pain. But now It seems kind of fun. I think I'll eventually find the girl who's right for me but I've given up the idea that there is just one girl out there some were. There are lots of great girls out there, I just have to find one of the ones who will like me back. Lets all get out there and do our best.

81 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-10-24 05:24 ID:Bx4i63vf

Sounds like you're starting to develop the "aloof heart" lol. Its nice to hear that you're not letting what happened a few days get to you and living for the moment. Try joining a campus organization! Try to turn attention to yourself in a good way. Good luck No. 00

82 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-10-24 06:27 ID:NdRvti4L

>>75
No. 13, if you're serious, don't kill yourself. It is a selfish thing to do and you will create problems for those you love. Perhaps what you need to do is live on your own. It will take a while, but moving out and being completely autonomous sounds like the best solution to me. And there has to be a better solution than killing your aunt. Has she done anything illegal? Get her arrested then.

Well, shortly after I posted >>69, I got an invite to the show the day before opening. The day of, I sent her a text message, expressing surprise and wishing her luck. I also mentioned the ball and said I didn't know if I was going yet, but that this pretty much meant she wouldn't be able to.

Last week, I decided I was going to ask out M. My resolved faltered a little over time, but it's back, and I have the support of E, my friend. We've talked about it in detail. She says I have to be assertive, well, that one's obvious, and straight to the point, no tiptoeing around the subject, casual but not TOO casual. I asked her about touching. I feel like I should do something like this. I have to send a CLEAR signal that I'm very interested in her, but one that won't scare her off. I'm going to see E tomorrow before I go to the school, so she's going to give me a primer on safe, non-creepy touching. From what we both know of M's personality, she needs a little push to do things. E had to walk her over to me last time I saw her.

M has been rather active on Facebook. She recently posted a video performance that was her best yet, and it turned me on, of course I left that part out. I have been commenting more on her posts, but not every other one, been keeping myself in check. When the show resumed, I wrote on her wall wishing her luck, and by then I figured out when I was going to see the show, so I mentioned that. I had to change the day though, so I had to make another post. She even commented on one of my statuses, to my surprise. I responded with an explanation, no response from that. I guess she had nothing to say.

This is it, tomorrow I ask her to the concert. I hope she says yes. I'm absolutely terrified. My friend says I should be. She damn well knows like me you don't meet women like M every day. No pressure, right? I've failed all my life with women, but this time I will prevail!

I'm going alone too. Almost every time I've seen M, my friend has been present. I need to get the point across that E and I are not a couple, because we're not. She might as well be my cousin. That's the kind of relationship we have. I'm also bringing a flower, and it's not a rose. Since it's closing night, I'm not expecting M will be able to do anything afterwards. She probably has a cast party. Also, I've made arrangements to stay with E overnight, and her mom is strict, so even if M DOES want to do something, we won't have a lot of time.

83 Name: Subject No. 12 : 2009-10-29 23:31 ID:NA/I6IJ8

Hey there. I haven't updated in two weeks. Not much has happened to be honest. I went out to play tennis last week and had planned to go play again yesterday. Unfortunately, it rained.

My resolve to do anything is sort of dying day by day. I find myself unable to do some things that I enjoyed before... I've been going outside a little more (went for a walk today, too.) Seeing some school buses go by made me realize how much that I've taken for granted... I miss going to school and interacting with others. I miss all of the walking I did in the school buildings. I generally miss being around others and I didn't realize how much it mattered to me until it was over...

I may need to follow No. 01's advice... Well, I already know what I must do. Getting myself to do it is another matter entirely. I've always had motivation problems, so it's going to be so much harder to stick to something. Hopefully I can get my life going again before I break down...

84 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-10-29 23:48 ID:9pDpka5T

This world runs on money, Filthy, Stinking money. And I have none. Still no improvement on the money front, and of course every girl I know wants me to come and spend money with them. Well maybe not "every" girl I know, but the fun attractive ones yes.

Well now that that's out of the way time for my update. Huge improvements on the confidence front. Recently I've just been feeling more confident. Yesterday I looked in the myself in the mirror, and rather than thinking "I'm so fucking fat" I thought "Holy shit, If I get rid of this, girls would be all over me." I've never felt like that before. My wight is slowly creeping down as well. I've been doing a bit of reading as well. I found a website that has all the works of H.P. Lovecraft on it and I've been reading each story one buy one. I've also changed my video game habits. I'm playing less than I used to and I'm actually trying to beat some of these games I've had for ages, I just beat loco roco last week. Things have been fine with Phones. We talked a lot today and it was nice, I think the being friends thing could work. I don't know if it's my new found confidence or just the fact that I'm getting better with women but it was not hard to talk to her today. On the flip side I tried going to the cafeteria in hopes of finding some human contact but it was a no go. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

85 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-11-08 06:21 ID:9pDpka5T

Well every one, it’s a little late but here is my update. Lately I’ve been thinking that everything in life is balanced on a scale. As some things get worse others must get better. Money is tighter than ever, and things are on the edge of a knife. I’ve heard that people often become desperate in this kind of situations, when life gets harder, and things seem almost hopeless. But I don’t feel that way. If anything, the best in me seems to have come out. Over the past week or so, my confidence has increased greatly. I don’t feel so uncomfortable around the few women that I see. I feel like I see things more clearly. My weight has gone down some more. Another week or two and I’ll hit 250lbs. I also beat another game this week, Okami. When I got to the end I was very tempted to go seek out every little side quest to complete. But instead, I simply sat down and finished. For most people this probably would not be so big a thing. I almost never finish a game. I’m always flitting from one thing to the next, so I never finish what I start. I think this is a start of fixing that. I want to be someone who finishes what they start, even if I’m afraid of how things end.

You know just writing this I think I know one of my problems with women. I’m afraid to start because I’m afraid of the end. I’m scared of it ending in rejection, I’m scared of her saying yes and turning out to be crazy, I’m scared of fucking it up. In general, I’m scared of endings, so I never start, because you can’t have an ending without a beginning. Maybe that’s why I’ve always had such ridiculous standards for women. In my mind I tried to set standards that would result in a woman who was a sure thing, a safe ending if you will. But love isn’t like that, It’s a mine field, and your perfect women might not seem so perfect once you have her. When she only lives in your mind she can change with your every change of heart. But real women aren’t like that.

People say the dream girl doesn’t exist so don’t look for her. I’m not sure they have it right either. I think there’s no point looking not because she doesn’t exist, but rather that you won’t know it’s her till you meet her. I’m still going to keep high standards, but I’m not going to try to match girls up to a check list in my head. I’m just going to look for a quality girl. It will still be hard to find her, but I think it won’t be so bad if I just trust my gut. My “perfect girl” could be someone who would never fit my mental checklist of the things I think I want. The road ahead is still a long one but It will be worth it to find that unknown someone, and hopefully when I reach the end I won’t be scared any more.

Well that’s it for this week. Let’s all keep trying reel hard. I’ll try to have some cool stories for you next week.

86 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-11-09 17:02 ID:NdRvti4L

>>84

>This world runs on money, Filthy, Stinking money. And I have none. Still no improvement on the money front,

I feel your pain.

I'm tired of rewriting. I'm just going to post a slightly updated version of what I post in the other thread.

Well, I went to see the show last weekend. It was...interesting, the director took it in a completely different direction. Anyway, at first after the show, it seemed like I was the only one that came to see her, which would've been a lot less pressure on me with her, but some other guy showed up a few minutes later. I figured it was a friend of hers. She talked to this guy for a little bit, and then I talked to her and gave her the flowers, single stem, so it still counts as one. She didn't have much of a reaction to them, but later on I noticed that every other actor had the standard red carnation you can buy for someone at the table, attach a message to, and send backstage, so I was pretty convinced I made her feel special. One of her fellow cast members said they were pretty. She hid behind my flower a few times though. There was a time where there was just silence and we were looking at each other, so I smiled (it is very hard for me to show a genuine smile) and she responded by hiding behind the flowers. She did this a few times after the show. M mentioned she didn't think I was coming, so I guess she didn't see the message I left on her wall about coming closing night. I was originally supposed to go the night before.

I had decided before that I should touch her in a non-platonic but non-threatening way. Unfortunately, E didn't have the time to give me a crash course in this, as she was just leaving for dinner when I arrived, so I was on my own. I couldn't think of anyplace to poke her that was non-threatening yet not platonic in our current situation, so I poked M in the shoulder. She responded with a swift kick to the air aside from me. I think this was in jest though, as we continued to talk afterwards. Still, I remarked that wasn't the response I was expecting.

I confirmed with her that she'd have some free time now that the show was done with. She mentioned not being home in a long time. Then I brought up the concert. She asked for more information, so I gave her more info about the band and event. Then she said she'd have to see if she was going home that weekend. I told her I'd send her an invite on Facebook. I goofed and told her the wrong town but corrected this in my invite.

The director came out and the cast flocked around him, so while this happened, I talked to the other guy. I found out he hasn't known her very long, just through a friend, same as me. Competition? That's the last thing I need, given the physical distance between me and her.

M had a cast party, so nothing was going to happen afterwards. I told her to be safe and before I left, said she looked adorable in her dress. I get kind of tongue-tied around her and completely forget to say things I wanted to. She told me to shutup, but in that "you're embarrassing me" sort of way.

Apparently, invites have a character limit, so I had to post the rest on her wall, and it was probably longer than it should've been. I told her this is one of the few all ages shows they play and to check out their music, cause there's no point in going if you don't like the band. I also told her I'd like to spend time with her and get to know her better, things I should've said when I asked her in the first place in person, as well as asked how the cast party went.

Continued

87 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-11-09 17:04 ID:NdRvti4L

I received no response, so midway through the week, I wrote on her wall again, asking if she figured out if she could go. Still no response, so last night, after some discussion with E, I decided to call her. Of course she didn't answer, and I didn't bother leaving a message. I considered calling her again the next day or the day of the show, but I didn't want to annoy her, so I didn't. I'm beginning to feel like I need a personal messenger to correspond with her. Nothing it seems is effective in reaching her other than face-to-face meetings. I'm also thinking she doesn't have a clue I'm into her. I asked E about calling her again, she has no idea. I'm completely lost. What the hell do I have to do to get to this girl?

I am not giving up though.

As far as the homefront, well, I've been forced to start paying off my loans or face default, so I've begun applying for jobs in the "service sector..." McJobs. In doing so, I feel like a complete and total, utter failure. Fine investment my college education was. It's around the holidays, so most likely any employment I do get will be seasonal, and I'll be back where I am in January, which doesn't do me a whole lot of good, just prolongs the inevitable. Default is inevitable without a steady job. A while ago, I found out my loans were sold to other banks, so I contacted one of the two banks, to see if I could work with them instead of Sallie Mae, but no luck. However, I did find out they consolidate private loans, so I applied and am awaiting approval. I private borrowers have next to NO RIGHTS. At least federal borrowers have some sort of protection. It's also a lot easier to consolidate federal loans and A LOT more companies out there do them.

We also still don't have hot water. I did some research and found protective coveralls for a decent price, so maybe I can actually do this myself, if I could just get off my ass and do something.

88 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-11-10 03:49 ID:9pDpka5T

I don't know if this is really an update but I just kind of needed to get this of my chest. I had a dream last night. I was siting at a college cafe talking to a girl. She was cute if a little chubby. She was one of those girls that likes to play video games casually, loves the BBC, and doesn't really care about fashion or waring make up. We were just sort of talking about nothing when suddenly she starts blushing and says "hay you want to bounce later?" I should have realized that this was a dream after that strange sentence but my brain just sort of rolled with it and translated bounce as [to hang out with connotations of dating]. She Looks away after asking me and I could tell she was thinking something like "What the hell am I doing? I'm just 'one of the guys'. There's no way any one would want to go out with me" I just sort of sit there for a bit, thinking about how lucky I am that a girl would not only like me, but like me enough to ask me out. I of course say yes. And just as I'm hitting the peek of my joy, my mind reminds me that this is to good to be true and that I rely should just wake up. I do of course, and find myself sitting alone in my bed. Felt like shit. Like I said, not really an update but I just had to vent, feels better now.

>>87
I hope things ge better for you soon, I know this kind of thing can be heard. I don't remember if you've ever tried just asking her to go do something but that might not be a bad thing to do at this point. It seems like you've been interacting with her for a bit and if she isn't willing to try something by now it may never happen. I know you want it to be a sure thing before you ask her out but the sure thing doesn't exist. Just ask her to do something casual and let her know that you want it to be one on one, make sure she knows that it being one on one is important because this will show your interest without you having to just blurt out that you want to date her. Stay casual and be smooth, I know you can be. As for the McJob, don't think of it as a dead end, just a first level forest full of lvl 1 monsters. Level up and move on.

89 Name: Subject No. 14 : 2009-11-10 06:57 ID:sx2eIFUC

Stats
Subject No. 14
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Age: 20
Nationality: Asian (Filipino)
Education: 3rd year in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry
Work: Yes, I work with the Aldo group
Income: Not a lot
Living Situation: Parents
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: No and No
On Computer: A lot
Weight: 105 Ibs
Smoke: No
Drink: Yes, occasionally
Drugs: No
Virgin: Yes
Physical Experience: I actually have never dated anyone before. I think a guy just held my hand once..
Style: chic-- skinny jeans, a nice top, either boots or flats
Friends: I have 3 best friends-- 2 I talk to all the time. I have a group of Filipino friends that I also hang around occasionally but not as close compared to my best friends.
Activities: School, work, go online (watch random asian movies and dramas and also active in another forum--- been on that one for almost 5 years now).
Skills: I don't really know. People say I have good people skills-- outgoing and friendly.

My story: To be honest, I have never dated anyone before (never had a boyfriend). It's not because I don't get asked out (because I do), it's just that I keep rejecting date proposals. I feel that it's wrong for me to waste someone's time especially if I'm not fully attracted to them. I think recently when my best friends were in relationships this year that I started to feel left out. It's not that they don't talk to me but I guess you can say I feel a bit jealous that they found that someone they can be with while me on the other hand, hasn't. I guess it was kind of a slap in the face which depressed me for a while. I thought of attempting suicide a lot (not only because I feel lonely but other things that I don't fully know myself). I'm sick of being alone but I know that it was my fault too. I attract guys that I don't like and having to constantly reject them is a pain. I start to think that maybe it's me-- something is wrong with me that I can't even have a decent guy to be attracted to me. I don't know what else I can do.

I guess my school is also a factor of my suicide attempt-- pressure from parents and don't fully know what I should do or what I'm doing is "right" for me. I just keep going though-- put on a fake smile and just keep moving forward but having to feel like that everyday, it's tiring. I have a dream that I really want to succeed but I feel like I'll never achieve it because school is so damn hard. I wish that I can give everything up but I can't with all these constant expectations and the feeling of quitting-- I hate it. I thought of dying a lot but I just don't have the nerve to hurt myself.

90 Name: Subject No. 5 : 2009-11-10 08:29 ID:kTc/h/Yt

Entry No. IFORGETSOITS5NOWKTNXBYE

---

It's been a while since I last made an update, but I've got two jobs now. One's at a nursing home with unsteady hours and relatively decent pay, another's in a retail job with more hours and minimum wage. The past month or so has been pretty rough, since I've worked almost every day without much of a chance to properly rest.

I think I've gotten pretty attached to this guy I'm always talking to online; he was interested in me when we started college, but it didn't last long. We've both graduated, but he lives pretty far away, across the country even; this was the major reason that things didn't really work out in the past. I don't think I'll really get anywhere with him, but I guess I'm lonely and desperate. Or maybe I like him? Who knows. Honestly, my goal right now is to get the heck out of the area I'm living in right now, so if ever asks me to move near him, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying "SURE WHEN?". In fact, I've pretty much said it already.

Or maybe I should try looking for a date here? I don't have any faith in the guys around here, though...

91 Name: Subject No. 10 : 2009-11-10 15:03 ID:NdRvti4L

>>88
I have asked her, and when I get an opportunity again, I will ask her again. Did you at least skim back and see if I did? No, there is never a "right time." But in my last update, I said I got no response about the event I suggested. I'm not giving up. She seems to be the type where you just have to keep hammering away because of how she's unresponsive to outsiders. I am however, holding off on flat out telling her that I like her until we spend some time together, but I'm reconsidering this, since that plan has gone nowhere.

E has told me to lay off for a while. I interpreted this incorrectly and read it as "give up," so we got into a fight. I have a problem with seeing things in extremes. There is very little gray area with me. When I was in therapy, we were working on that, but I've completely regressed since returning to the house. Now I don't feel like I deserve my friend. She cares too much about me and winds up getting hurt cause of the way I think of myself: scum of the earth that doesn't deserve love or happiness or a home.

>As for the McJob, don't think of it as a dead end, just a first level forest full of lvl 1 monsters. Level up and move on.

Don't give me that RPG bullshit. It might work for you, but it doesn't work for me. If we go by that, then I've been stuck in the level 1 forest with level 1 monsters where many of the monsters give you NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE POINTS, since I started working my first job when I was 16, nearly 10 YEARS AGO. I have been "trained;" I'm a college graduate, so therefore I should've "leveled up" by now, at least to a fucking job that pays a decent enough wage so I can live on my own or that permits me to work towards it so I'd be well on my way to autonomy. What is wrong with this picture?

Obviously, I don't deserve any higher level of employment, cause otherwise I'd already be there, same goes for love, happiness, and a home.

Yesterday I got called for a job interview at a store in the mall. I hope it's not a seasonal position, but I won't turn one down, just that I'll be back in the same place in January and the job search will still continue.

>And just as I'm hitting the peek of my joy, my mind reminds me that this is to good to be true and that I rely should just wake up. I do of course, and find myself sitting alone in my bed.

This sounds like you're capable of lucid dreaming, where you can control your dreams. If you're curious, I'd suggest reading up on it.

Well >>89, you must be pretty, if you're having to reject guys constantly, so what are you looking for in a guy, both physically and personality-wise? Do you even know? This might give some insight as to why you aren't attracted to the guys that approach you. As a man with no experience, I "think" I have a pretty good idea what I'm looking for in a woman, based on my own failures and those of people close to me, but I'll never truly know until I experience a relationship for myself, and I believe this goes for anyone with little experience. Lucky for you, the world of double-standards plays in your favor, as romantic inexperience won't repel guys in droves like it does women when a man is inexperienced.

92 Name: Subject No.01 : 2009-11-13 08:06 ID:Bx4i63vf

Hey guys, just checking in... looks like a lot has been going on! From reading back on what everybody is going I don't have much to say but this: Try to live life without regrets rather than regret not living. The past might be holding you back, but you can't let it. Do what feels right and the moment and don't hesitate because of fear of being turned down. Sometimes it requires that leap of faith for you to reach what your heart desires.

But if you do fail... you can't let it be the end of the world... It may feel like a thousand knives stuck through the heart, but you can't let that stop you from finding that right person whos been near you the whole time.

93 Name: Subject No.93 : 2009-11-14 16:42 ID:mJ5mRmlV

Stats
Subject No.93
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Homosexual
Age: 18
Nationality: Spanish/French
Education: Drop out working on getting a diploma
Work: I'm a starving artist.
Income: Less than 300 USD
Living Situation: Parents
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: No
On Computer: 5/7 of the day
Weight: 130 lb
Smoke: No
Drink: No
Drugs: No
Virgin: Too complicated.
Physical Experience: Nude skin contact.
Style: I don't stick to one, nor do I have a main style.
Friends: N/A
Activities: I'm a shut-in.
Skills: Voice, writing, and art
Extras: N/A

94 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-11-17 21:39 ID:9pDpka5T

>>89
Hay, welcome to the group. I don't know how you feel about this but you might try going after guys rather than waiting for one to want you. A lot of the nicer guys are shy and would love for a girl to ask them out. Where are you meeting these bad guys?

As for not knowing what you want to do, try looking for something that involves things you enjoy or are good at. I'm 21 and only recently found my direction in life.

>>90
Congrats on the job. I would not suggest moving in with a guy before you've ever met him in real life. It could end very badly as people are often very different to how they act on line.

>>93
OK... Nice to meet you!?

Well Things are moving along as life always does. School is going great. If I wanted to I could slack of on every other project for the rest of the semester and would still pass with flying colors. I'm planing to go job hunting at local stores later this week and see if I can find anything. I am also planing to start taking 1 hour walks every day to help get in better shape. Confidence is still nice and high. I cant wait for winter break as some of my friends will be back in town then. I've also managed to improve my hygiene. I had sort of let things slide last semester but now I'm back on track. My hair and skin are in a way better condition than ever before.

On the down side we still have no money and now no cellphones, could not pay the bills. This makes getting in touch with people hard. Shit suck man. Still no contact with any girls other than Phones. Its easier to interact with her than I thought it would be.

95 Name: Subject No.00 : 2009-11-21 21:40 ID:9pDpka5T

Well there's good shit and bad shit all around. to start of the bad shit I got a $75 ticket for blowing through a red light. I did not have enough time to stop and it turned red just as I entered the crossing. I don't have the money to pay this.

Now for some happy things. First, the semester is almost over and my grades are great. Worst case I expect to get A A B B. Also my friend has introduced me to the world of ocarinas. There rather fun little things. Yesterday I tried to make my first one, it did not work out so well. Once I make one that works I'll learn to play it. BEST OF ALL, I think I may have found a new girl. There is this waitress that I have gotten to know a bit at a local restaurant we'll call her Hana. She actually goes to the same college as me and I think I may have a chance here. I'll post more on her another time.

96 Name: Subject No.15 : 2009-11-22 06:47 ID:16RhZr78

Stats
Subject No. 15 (I think 93 mistook the line)
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Age: 21
Nationality: American (Italian family)
Education: In College, Computer Science
Work: No
Income: $0
Living Situation: Parents
Knows How to Drive and Owns a Car: Yes
On Computer: 10+
Weight: 255 lb (6'3)
Smoke: No (allergic)
Drink: No (vowed not to touch the stuff)
Drugs: No
Virgin: Yes
Physical Experience: I've kissed, but it can't really count it was when I was in 5th grade. I've been on the receiving ends of hugs. I've slow danced, you know contact there if that counts.
Style: Casual? I wear lots of custom hoodies that usually draw attention, I wear shorts (from khaki to the now 'in' plaid shorts) and flip flops. When it's cold I just wear blue jeans and hoodies.

Friends: My friend circle is more like an electron cloud everyone is kinda near me but not really. Pretty much, I've lost contact with those I was close with in high school. They've moved or we just don't see each other there fore don't talk. I've been friends with a few people online that I've gamed with for 6+ years and two of which I consider like family, so they're the ones I talk to about personal things. At college I only have "friends" in class, if you know what I mean, we're facebook friends but don't make any contact outside of class.

Activities: Game duh. I try to keep up with guitar, I draw alot.
Skills: I don't think of it as such, but drawing seems to have become my skill, I write as well but just comics.
Extras: I used to weigh 330 lbs and over the course of 6 months was able to lose 70 lbs.

97 Name: Subject No.15 : 2009-11-22 07:10 ID:16RhZr78

Separate post for room.

Sorry to butt in, I felt this was interesting after reading a lot and wanted in on it.

My story: I've lead a pretty hiki lifestyle. Growing up I wasn't allowed to go to other kid's houses or bring them over, it wouldn't seem to have such an affect on social status but apparently it did for me. I went from being one of the most popular kids to being that quiet guy. In middle school I went to a public school, and it opened up a whole new world for me. Basically it exposed me to real life and poverty, everyone was a dick, and I was stuck up for not talking. I never became close friends with anyone, I was oblivious to any crushes some girls have had on me and I sex was a taboo thing to me.

Sure enough in 7th grade everyone was having sex, except moi. Really young, I know but my school basically had no discipline and everyone there was a "problem child". High school came, didn't know anyone and the school was even shittier than middle school. There were prominent gangs in high school, so there were always fights and someone who wouldn't to be a tough guy.

Me being tall, I was able to ward off most conflicts, but one day someone picked at me enough I snapped and took him down. Oddly enough it got me probably the closest RL friends I've had. I was a good kid though, had decent grades (straight c's) but I always got mixed up in troublesome things in high school because of my friends. Vandalism, fights, etc. I guess it did well to bring back my popularity but it wasn't what I wanted, I was a momma's boy.

I gradually became more of a loner through my high school years, in 11th grade I only talked to the friends I made in 9th grade; as such we had different schedules I was never able to meet with them. We had a field trip to another city to visit museums, and no one I knew went with me so I just went about my own business while there. There were tons of schools visiting this one museum, and I was last in line for my school to go through security, I was pulled aside, all the lines were stopped and I was surrounded by guards because they thought I had a bomb in my bag. No joke, but it was just an empty bottle, in turn I got in trouble with school and was suspended, relevant because that is a part of my life I won't forget.

12th grade I dated the first girl I've really ever liked liked. I liked her A LOT but I wasn't obsessed with her, I didn't call her all the time or constantly look for her at school or anything. She would talk about our future and I'd just got with it, we had one particular special moment where we slow danced, cheesy as fuck, while listening to my iPod in a parking lot. Beyond that, no physical contact.

We broke up, or she broke it off with me when she got prank calls and thought it was me, or at least I assume she thought it was me. All I know is, she and all of her friends and my friends (irl) flat out ignored me after she mentioned the prank calls. I was too much of a pussy to persue.

After this I got a job (from end of high school to 2nd year of college) with a contractor in which I was hired out to the local naval base to do classified work. It was nothing big, just involved autoCAD. I made no good social links there, and had a lot of trouble communicating with my boss. My contract ended, I was pulled back into the job a month later for more work but their lack of organization was too much, I quit and they finally went under about 2 months ago.

College years, failed every class my first 2 semesters, but had taken college credit classes in high school to make up for it. Spent a year going for a degree to become a History Teacher, changed my mind and turned to Computer Science. The math is hard, I'm terrible at math period. I failed Algebra 2, 3 times in college and 3 times in high school before finally passing. I think I'm going to fail Calculus this semester, and I need it for my next CSC class, so I have to talk to the dean or head of the dept about it or something.

Ah 2:10 am I'm not usually tired but for some reason I am tonight; so hello n' goodbye.

98 Name: Subject No.7 : 2010-02-04 05:34 ID:uKxkXdad

I fell in love with my best friend

now i've stopped returning her hugs and just letting her embrace me. it really bothers me when she hugs me and then says "i just wanted a homo moment, teehee"

I can't tell her though. I'll just be watching her from afar, listening to her rants. :)

I just felt the need to post this. sorry for bumping this thread up if i did

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