I'm really lonely, but lack the social skills to change that.
I recently moved to a new city to start college, and with that move I was separated from all the people that I'd felt comfortable and safe around from high school. Granted, I still live an hour away, but during the week and the weekends where I can't get home I become really lonely.
I leave for classes, and I leave to get food at the cafeteria sometimes (but often I avoid even this and just eat stuff I have in my room), but besides that I stay in my room on the computer.
My only points of contact are on AIM and MSN, and even then I mainly only talk to 3 people, two of them for hours and hours and hours a day.
After classes I rush back to my room to talk to those two people because, without them, I'd be completely alone. What's worse is that one of them is going back to school soon (he's from Europe and his school starts pretty late) and because of the huge time difference I'm afraid I won't even be able to talk to him very often any more.
When I'm outside I become EXTREMELY nervous, start shaking and start beating myself up mentally while walking next to people. I clench my hands and just get really nervous and embarassed if there is anyone around, so I tend to walk with my head down and headphones in so I can pretend no one can see me and no one is there.
The problem is, I don't know WHY this happens. I hate it so much, and I hate having no points of contact in this stupid town, but the thought of going up to a stranger and introducing myself just seems impossible to me. I'm clumsy and awkward and can't speak well to new people, and because I feel so stupid for being so socially inept that I berate myself so much that, by the time my dorm room is in sight, I just feel like running to it and locking the door forever. I sit alone in the back of every class, although I long to sit in one of the middle rows with everyone else. Even as I'm walking to the back I tell myself: "Go! Sit there, it's fine! Sit there! Do it!" but my legs take me back to my usual secluded area.
What can I do to get more confident? I hate myself like this.
On the internet I can be more confident, I feel smart, I feel OK... but as soon as I step out, I'm back to being terrified and wishing I was in my room again.
I want friends, I want to be able to meet a boyfriend eventually, I want people I can call to grab dinner with so I don't have to bring a takeout box to my room and eat by myself in front of my laptop, at least!
I don't know what I can do, but I need to do something. What's frustrating is that I know what I'm doing wrong. I know I need to take my headphones out and look people in the eyes, I know I need to stop trying to break my fingers as I yell at myself in my head, I know I need to sit next to a stranger in class, I know I need to try and strike up a conversation with someone new.
I just can't act out any of those things.
Does anyone have any tips for this? I know this is pathetic, and I know I have to just... begin to make subtle changes, but I don't know how to start, and I don't know how to go about daily life without having a mental explosion over little things that other people don't even notice.
This got kind of long, sorry. (x_x);
TL;DR Version: I'm insanely awkward and lonely, how can I fix this?
Wow. Are you sure you're not me? I couldn't have described myself any better, except I'm male.
Are you in a single room in your dorm?
>>2
Haha, we'll, I'm glad I'm not the only one, then (although it sucks for both of us :c).
I'm in a suite-type room. Think of a 2-bedroom apartment (minus an awesome kitchen, unfortunately XD).
I mean, my roommate is nice, but she's pretty social with the people in her art program and is out a lot of the time, and because we don't have a lot in common our conversations are usually limited to the casual: "Hey, how you doing?" stuff.
I don't really get nervous around her, which is good, but, then again, I don't talk to her very much either.
OP, you're worse off than I ever was. I wasn't able to walk around public unless I had one of my friends with me, and that didn't happen very often because I've never really had very many friends. But, luckily, I was eventually able to do what I wanted outside of my room without getting extremely nervous. Now I go out every weekend and take it easy. Even casual dating!
(though I still need a friend with me if I'm just walking around town, I get so concerned with not having a breakdown somebody's gotta watch for cars ( ´･ω･)
I suggest finding a group of people with similar interests, because you'll be more likely to feel more comfortable around them. For instance, if you're into anime, and your campus has an anime club, try attending the meetings. Build your confidence up from there. Once you feel completely comfortable around these people (or at least as close as you think you're going to get), start being social with people a little further from your comfort zone, like classmates and other people in your residence hall.
I'd say you're afraid of rejection by people and thus you don't give them a chance to reject you by keeping your distance from them.
How old are you? what course are you doing? have you tried making friends in this place on-line?
>>4
At home I was the same way, kinda. If I had friends with me, I was perfectly fine. I could talk, I could walk and laugh and stuff-- it wasn't a problem. But now that I'm in a city of strangers, suddenly I've devolved into what I described.
It's good that you were able to break the nervousness, though~! Good job!!
>>5
I'm not really in to anime, but I am planning on joining the Japanese club since they need conversation partners (I took it for a long time in school, so I'm pretty good at it). Right now, that's kind of looking like my last choice... If I can't make friends there, then I kind of feel like the rest of the school year will be hopeless. Even so, I'll try to do what you said. If I can just make one friend then maybe he/she will introduce me to other people...
>>6
Do you think it's fear of rejection? I've never thought about it, so I'm not sure...
But, I'm 18 and I'm an English major. Since I'm in my first year most of my classes are pretty broad, so I don't have a chance to be in a small class (well, my Japanese class was really small, but it was canceled because of that).
I met one boy a few weeks ago that I found online, but our personalities didn't really match so we didn't hang out again after that.
Thanks everyone for your comments!
1) Uninstall WoW.
2) Leave your door open. People will drop by.
3) Join clubs.
>>8
1) I don't play games
2) Isn't it dangerous to just leave you door wide open?
3) I'm going to join one club, but the meeting keeps getting pushed back because of all the hurricane damage.
>>10
Yeah... I mean, I know what I should do, but, like you said, stepping out of one's comfort zone is REALLY difficult.
Have you done it? Have you had any progress with it?
>>11
First I did confidence-building things to give me the impetus to put myself in to social situations in the first place. Exercising, for example. It may sound superficial and just plain odd, but I feel better about myself and more confident and thus I'm more willing to take the risk of stepping out of my comfort zone.
The result is that I've been going to my school's literary house and talking with everyone and not really worrying or caring about what people think of me. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but in a "oh god, they're silently judging me" way. Instead of going in to the social situation with a defeatist mindset, I go in with a "I'm going to make friends" mindset.
2) I don't mean in the dead of night or when you're sleeping or whatnot. I mean, when there's a decent deal of foot traffic in the halls. People do this all the time in college.
Look, don't be paranoid. When I started college, this girl on the floor above me had anime posters, so I dropped by and introduced myself when she had her door open one day. We're still friends, 6 years later...
3) Very good. Find more than just one club, though.
Why don`t you join a club or something at your school? Chances are there is atleast something you're interested in and you'll find like-minded people.
Just remember no one is out to get you.
>>12, >>13, >>14
I was going to type out a "Okay! I'll do my best!" kind of response, but halfway through I just couldn't.
I understand what you all are saying and I really want to do it, but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't change into a gregarious person.
I might just be in a slump right now (I came home for the weekend and even now I'm by myself while my friends are out together...), and I'm so aggravated with myself because I hate it when I see these type of "Wahhh, I can't, I can't!" responses to good advice, but striking up a conversation, leaving my door open, approaching a new person at a club meeting... I just... don't think I can do it. I really want to be able to, I really do, but even if I lie to you guys and say: "Okay! Starting Monday I'll do it!", I know that when my class starts I'll still be in the back with my head down, wishing to God that I had someone to talk to.
I know no one can help me act out your advice, and I know I have to do it myself, but... Can a person like this really change?
Yes, people can change. Chill out, one step at the time. How about smile to an stranger a day during this first week? Then set a different goal for next week, and so on.
>>16
I'll try that. It shouldn't be so hard, right...?
I guess this just feels stupid.
Even though I'm home I feel like, by moving to another town for most of the week, I've lost all my friends here too, so that makes me even more reluctant to do anything but sit by myself like an idiot.
I'll try the smile thing, though.
Thank you.
>>16 look through some body language books and emulate more open and recepetive behaviours.
There is no doubt you are sending out the don't approach me, I don't want you to talk to me behaviours.
>>18
Maybe.. I don't really look people in the eyes, so maybe that's a problem, too.
Just as an update, I'm meeting someone tomorrow that I met once a few weeks ago (we found each other online and we go to the same school so we decided to meet, but it was pretty awkward).
Although my first impulse was to lie and say: "Ahh, I can't, I'm busy..." (because I have a tendency to do that), I fought back and told him I'd meet him tomorrow afternoon.
I'm a bit nervous and I half don't want to go, but I'm proud of myself that I accepted an offer...!
I'll try to do the smile thing tomorrow, too...
OP here!
Okay, today I met with the boy. We hung out for a few hours on our laptops (it was so nerdy XD), but although we were both on the computer the entire time, we talked a lot and didn't really have any awkward silences, which was good.
Secondly, I went out for dinner with two girls (I was eating alone in the cafeteria a few weeks ago and one of them came up and invited me to sit with her, so that's how I know her). She invited me to a party afterward, actually, but my old habits kicked in and I politely refused and went back to my dorm room after dinner.
I did the smile thing kinda-sorta, too! Well, this morning after class I tried, but.. actually the person had their back to me and I must have looked like a freak going ":D" to a person walking away from me. XD I was going to count that, but at dinner someone looked at me and I thought: "!! Now is the chance!" so I smiled and we both looked away. So, I actually did it! :3
So, those were my social attempts... Even though the boy and I only stayed in my dorm room, so we weren't out in public at all, it's still kind of a social step, I guess?
What else do you guys think I should try to do...?
Thank you~!!
Well, you know you have a problem. That's a great start. Now you must realize that you can change yourself, but it will not be easy. You must stay motivated, keep trying, and be prepared for many failures before you can reach success.
Okay, so now for more specific things to do. Take baby steps; start slowly with things you can do. Make a conscious effort to look confident and keep your head up. Smile at people when you see them, don't turn away.
If you can master just being able to look at people and smile, then you can move on to conversation. You don't need to do anything special, just "hello," your name, get their name, and then the next time you see them say "how's it going?" And that's it! Instant friend. Of course, this alone won't create very close friends, but it will be a big start for somebody like you. After you have made this kind of friend you can start to get closer by talking about things you have in common, but this might be too far along for you right now. Don't stress about having to be instantly perfect and social; it's a long slow learning process, like learning to use VIM.
But it will be worth it! I believe in you! You can do it!
Well done! How about sitting in the middles of the classroom? There is no need to rush, take things at your own step and when you feel comfortable.
too bad, parties are great for socializing. You may feel unconfortable the first hour, but after it you become more extrovert
As far as I know it's not unusual for that to happen to some people. I moved from another country to go to college but other than that pretty much the same story. I'm sorry how hard it is and yes, I agree the whole "get out there and introduce yourself! and you'll be bestest friends 4eva~" doesn't actually work both on my account and the other persons. However, I think if you tried to join any sort of club it would help a lot. Club/organizations are better to getting a chance to talk to someone (as opposed to classes and lectures.) Also it's great if you can just know one person in the club and stick to them. Try to get to know their friends and make them your friends too. I know it's really hard but I really wish you good luck.
OP again!
>>23, >>24, >>26
Thank you, guys! :3 I'm trying to do little things every day, so it's slow going, but maybe it's getting a little better...!
>>25
I know I'll eventually have to give in to going somewhere really crowded, but... at this point, I couldn't handle it. I went to one "welcome party" at the beginning of this year and just... had to leave early because I couldn't take that many strangers at once.
Today is the first club meeting. I'm a bit nervous as to what the outcome will be, but I'm going to do my best to be as friendly as I can.
By the way, as a big accomplishment story: I told someone my name in class! He turned to me (just as someone to speak to) and we were talking about the class, and just as he was about to turn back around I quickly said: "Bythewaymynameis(anon)! What's yours?" (I ended up having to repeat myself because I spoke too fast...)
Today he turned to talk to me again, and I ended up getting his email address so I could email my notes (I use my laptop in this particular class) to him to use.
I felt better afterward. Hopefully I can do something like that at the meeting...
Thanks, everyone, for commenting. If I didn't have this thread to come back and tell this to, I wouldn't be able to do it, I think.