This board here makes me extremely happy, because I can share things that disturb me the most while staying as anon as possible and I'm more than sure that writing about my problem will help me to get closer to the main goal.
As the title says, I am a complex of complexes. It took me so long before i realized that i have developed so many of the nasty ones. Time has passed by and before I've even noticed, I'm 24, turning 25 soon and still fighting with normal things, as desires, problems, COMPLEXES.
I don't know where and when it all started, but the result is that I'm definitely not confident, I've become very shy about everything and I can't have sex!
Yes you heard me, I just can not do it! Every time i get little intimate with a guy, I just stop going further. I get some sort of auto-block - "Wait.. what the fuck yer doing?!"
I'm not a virgin, no and i have no ideas when it all started, but I don't know even who to blame! I don't want to blame myself of course, but I mean.. I don't know! The last time i dated a guy longer than just two weeks was in around 2002. We ended the relationship because i developed some sort of personal issues about our sexual relationship. We sure tried to sex and stuff, but i started to dislike it more and more over the time. So one day we just ended the relationship and it got me. So ever since 2002 (omg, already almost 6 years have passed) I've had several one night stands and no fuck-buddies, and the complexes seem to grow deeper and deeper over time.
I've as well figured that it could be the fact that the first insertion has always been hurting me during sexual intercourse, which is sort of a turnoff, or maybe this is where it all started from. First I didn't like the insertion, then closed myself up and stopped liking sex at all?! I have no ideas.
Ive been reading about vaginism as well, could be that i have it, but I'm not really sure. Masturbation is okay, i love it, I'm addicted to orgasming and I am a regular masturbator-turbulator (sometimes 3-6 times per day, sometimes days without any touching, it feels so natural to just nibble on my organs, and i do it randomly, sometimes not even noticing wtf I'm doing and finding my left hand tickling my inner thighs.. )
For more info why i think i might have vaginism is that I usually dont masturbate with toys, because i find it rather disturbing to insert them in myself, but I've had a vibrator. And every time i was all turned on and super moist and inserted it in myself to enjoy the masses of joy in me, i became automatically dry, like facing a some sort of shock. I understand that its okay to feel this when not having vaginal sex often, but after trying for two weeks daily, i gave up and threw my vibrator out... Well the main reason why i threw it out was because the vibrations on my clitoris sure brought me some heavens and made me jizz~ all over the place, but it was no good for vaginal intercourse and i got tired of jizzing and simply THREW IT THE FUCK AWAY!!
You are probably wondering, why I'm talking about this on this anonymous board? Well it seemed to me that people here don't get judged so much and maybe talking about it will help me to step forward to my goals.
Next obvious question would be, what are my goals again?!
To enjoy sex with someone dearest :3 to go further and start wanting to date guys again, just go for it and enjoy my body, mind, sexual tensions, orgasms, live a healthier life I would say! Yes, I want to be sluttily sexually super active (fuck yeah, SSSA)
.... to be continued
II part:
What have I done so far to give it a go?
Called to the sexual therapist today and actually asked how to make an appointment. I will call again in the end of this month and will make this appointment and will go there as well. I will .. actually try to talk about it and actually try to open my mouth and.. get some help/tips how to get over from this cocon I've grown into :(
Went to see doc, to make sure my ovaries are okay. I'm planning to make an appointment for STD yearly checkup as well. That should make me feel more confident.
I'm getting all those crazy thoughts how to actually escape/get cured. So another possible "wise" idea would be moving to another country, to 100% different environment and start socializing there again. Maybe this would be a good solution for a while.
But..
I will try to keep this updated if anything new will happen, sorry for too long post :(
Seems to me you are doing fine, since you have decided to tackle head on the issue by meeting a sexual therapist. S/he will probably be much more competent and have better information than us on what's exactly going on with your mind/body.
The best we can do here is provide our limited experiences to illuminate yours, and perhaps make some suggestions. But you have already done my best suggestion, which is to go see a doctor.
Your complexes are simply the complications arising from this issue that you are not managing to solve over the years. It's blocking your life, and trouble accumulates. So probably if you solve the initial problem the rest will fall into place (unless your ancillary problems have become so robust that they gain a life of their own, but that is a different issue).
>the first insertion has always been hurting me during sexual intercourse, which is sort of a turnoff, or maybe this is where it all started from
Yep, I also think this is the origin of the problem. The issue may be infectious, mechanical or emotional, but that's basically the problem.
Maybe you were never properly sexually initiated, and then never came to terms with it (insertion). I remember that it took me more than six months to have normal sex with a girl who was virgin, simply because of these fears of insertion issues. It was not a mechanical problem, because even during the first times when she was very aroused she would have no problems with insertion, but during months she would just be afraid of it and close up. The only solution was to be patient and go at it slowly and gradually. In the end she got more and more used to it and the problem subsided. But it really took a looooong time to get there ^_^
>>3
I was thinking that the other possible reasons why I'm like this is either I'm embarrassed about my body, the way my genitals look, or the fact that I don't know how to sex or I never feel comfortable enough to enjoy it and throw everything off from my mind. As I've noticed that during any sexual activity I don't seem to be able to relax 100%, there's always some kind of tension that keeps my thoughts random and I guess I don't know how to feel myself free.
I've figured as well that maybe I am like this because I've had sex while being drunk (who hasn't, seriously), which might be the source of not wanting to have sex while sober, as it feels different while being little drunk and its easier to go all crazy then. Oh god, I don't know! I will call the therapist again next Monday and make myself an appointment!
THANK U >>3 i appreciate!
>>4 No problem, happy to help,...
All the issues you mention are variations of the same theme: lack of self-confidence and lack of trust and confidence in your partner. I remember that initially my gf only wanted to have sex in the dark because she was terrified of exposing her body to me in broad daylight. All these fears disappeared gradually, as she became more comfortable with me and also more confident that I was happy with her body.
I think you must build up confidence and intimacy with your partner in order to lose fear of sex. The fact that often sex only worked for you when you had drunk means that you skipped this step of confidence building that is so fulfilling in a relationship. In the end sex should be as fun and lighthearted as having a nice chat and laughing out loud with your boyfriend, not the dark and ominous thing it seems to be in your mind at the moment.
>>6
Then let us know how you are progressing in the next days, weeks, and months! People only come here during crisis time, but it's nice to have some feedback later ^_^b
UPDATE: I made an appointment to the psychologist, on 26th of November, 13.00..
I'm getting anxious about this. Calling and making the appointment made me shakey a little, nervous, my hands became cold, it felt like I was developing runs and had to go to the bathroom and my senses seemed to become stronger. Odd.. must be the adrenaline.
Great news,... you are finally doing something about it, it's already a very positive step, congrats!
complex... well done. I had, and in a way, still have similar issues, but seeing a sexual therapist helped get me over some of it. It was hard work though, so please don't get discouraged! Sometimes it was almost like a masochistic activity, I knew it would be painful but I couldn't stop going :) (bc I knew it was necessary if ever I wanted to get better). So please, stick with it :) that said, if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist after the first session, try someone else. There's no point doing it if you don't trust her. I tried two before I settled for the third one.
>>9 Thank you, this means lots for me.. !
>>10 This is awesome! Thank you! I hope you will beat the issue 100% any time soon!
The good thing is that i can get this kind of help for free til i turn 25. And i don't have much time left. So I'm willing to cooperate with the therapist to get rid of this issue. I just don't want to spend years to get rid of this stupid problem! I will definitely update after my first session, right now I'm trying to not think about it, as I don't know where to start! :)
Thank you again so much, love you all!
c0mplex, it's cool that you keep us posted, I'm looking forward to it ^^
Have you considered that you might be asexual and you're trying to force yourself to take a role imposed by a society that assumes you're in the game of dating and all that jazz?
But i love masturbating. And i love cuddling and kissing and touching, i get turned all and such, but when it goes too far I'm becoming all weird and my brain is like "wait. what yer doing?! That's just not right"
I don't like it, i want to live proper sexual life, im exhausted of this kind of behaviour!
I've been thinking as well that it could be me being uncomfident about the way genitals look. Though, I'm getting certainly aroused while thinking/licking male genitals.
I'm hoping to get detailed tricks/points what to follow while im visiting therapist, so i could beat that issue forever. Or at least i would know how to move towards facing that fear!
>>10 here -
just a quick note, maybe... don't expect to get tricks or points from your therapist; it may well be (and in a way, I hope it is) that you'll have to do the figuring out, while she is the one guiding you, by asking questions, provoking you, almost confronting you with things that you thought were absolutely irrelevant and maybe you've forgotten about. It may be that you get tricks or even exersizes as you go along, but.... I'd be sorry to see you be disappointed... because it's not happening right away.
I wish you all the best - it's nice to know I'm not just weird, there's other people too...
>>10
uh that came out wrong, I meant, I'm glad to see I'm not alone...! so sorry.
Something new: other than therapists appointment, i decided to check as well for STDs, which will happen in the beginning of December. And as well i was thinking its the best time to check my tits for cancer as well (mammography), but while i was making appointment i was said I'm way too young for this. So, basically i think there's no other thing I should be worried about to start actually taking actions. I just don't want to be worried about other dumb things (vagina) while I'm in the process of healing!
OMG, I CANT WAIT TIL ITS 26th!! SUCH A LONG TIME!!
>>19 aren't you a bit hypochondriac? ^_^
Maybe all those check ups are a way for you to draw a clean slate and so start again, without worries. If that's the case, then I think it's a good idea.
But once you have your (hopefully good) results, then apply your worries to other harmless stuff, like doing exercise and eating healthy.
>>20
Thank you :)
I check myself regularly, just to confirm that i am fine and all. And I'm pretty healthy as well. But sometimes (quite often) i lose track of ultra healthy eating with random cheating. As i follow very healthy diet/foods, but then again i cheat my diet with some cookies and random things, depending on how hard i have been working out, as whats the deficiency of the energy. Don't get me wrong, I'm almost 100% health nut.. :P Its just boring to control everything i do right now (as force myself to drink 2-3 liters of water per day, so my skin would be all smoother and sexier, etc), random tiny things i don't really bother much right now.
Guise, you make me feel very good, thank you so much for being there for me. I have good feelings towards the future and i have a feeling i can beat the issue, or at least get to face it. Yes, can not wait til the appointment!!:))
Tomorrow is the day for therapist, im starting to get little nervous/anxious about it. I hope it will go all fine, but im still afraid a bit.
Just sharing my current feelings, ty!
Good luck to you c0mplex, but don't expect too much from first day, or you may be underwhelmed. It's just a beginning. Just relax and be curious about it. Nothing bad can happen to you by going there.
There is a medicine that can help you.
First of all c0mplex I would like to congratulate you for taking this step. Seeking help is being in the right track for a happy ending :)
Secondly, I think the source of your issues is an amalgamation of what yourself and all the other anons have said. Therefore, the treatment/solution/thing you follow may take time, and like >>10 said, it is important you follow it through and with patience. There's nothing more complicated than trying to untangle a mess in one's head, so, if you start rushing, it may become worse.
Third, everything will go fine with the therapist, and even though im writing this just one day before, I'm confident that you'll have the courage to overcome anything in the future.
An old China saying says: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery over it"
So, be brave c0mplex, and rest assured that you'll have at least one person thinking on you and your success.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you need to invest in a bottle of lube.
>>26 hahaha shut up.. XD
>>25 thank you, I really appreciate your advice. Well right now i have about 3 more hours to stay home and then i will stat moving to the certain place. Im feeling all numb about it and i hope to stay like this til the session is over!
I will report back tonight, thanks guise!
Okay, i did it.
First when i was on my way to see her i had all those thoughts like "i dont feel like this anymore, like i've been waiting way too long to get the appointment" etc.. but, surprisingly, it was actually fun to talk to the therapist. She was very intelligent and knew what she was doing. Excellent social skills and good aims. Yes, she was very nice and formal. We introduced each other and shaked hands, then she asked where i'd like to sit and I said doesnt really matter.
I suggest people to go to therapist at least once in their lifetimes.
Apparently i didnt write things down and was analysing my own situation way too much. So, basically i didn't tell her that i think i have vaginism and i have issues with actual sex. But i was talking more about other stuff, as im feeling socially down and wanting to escape etc.. then offered myself few solutions and all she said was "you seem to be very confused.. "
I again asked info or some steps what to do next and how i could get further/deeper with myself.
I guess i've blown my issues bigger than they actually are or i just blew all the worries out to this poor therapist, all at once.
She as well asked about my emotions, and i said im numb really and i said ive stopped carying and i want to start over in another country, to spice up the relationships with my current friends/relatives/people i know.
She said i should try the cognitive therapy to go step by step with my issues. I think I'm gonna try it. I just have to get some paper from my family doctor so i could get the discount for this therapy sessions. Without the doctors paper it would become way too costy.
So guise, i think i will try to keep on updating this til i get some solution.
>Apparently i didnt write things down and was analysing my own situation way too much.
Well,... you did write them here ^_^
>I guess i've blown my issues bigger than they actually are or i just blew all the worries out to this poor therapist, all at once.
Don't worry about it, that's what they are there for! I guess the therapist should be able to stear you to the issue at hand.
>i said ive stopped carying and i want to start over in another country
The problem is that the issue is within you, so escape may not be the solution...
>She said i should try the cognitive therapy to go step by step with my issues.
I'm curious at what cognitive therapy is... In any case, good luck with the therapy, and keep us posted on your progress!
My therapist told me about this cognitive therapy. It has lots to do with self analysis and with little help of therapist you will be slightly stepping over the little glitches and looking back at your progress. I guess its about taking notes and just working with yourself and then analyzing the steps and things you did. Plus the therapist helps you to figure out where you have done mistakes and gives advice how to be over them.
here's link to wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy
Called to this hospital who treat using this therapy and they said that its quite costy to get treated, unless i dont get some paper from psychiatry that would then confirm my deep need for the therapy sessions.
This seems all way too much work. But im not going to give up yet. I will go and meet my family doctor to see then what else will happen, what will she suggest me.
Right now it feels like i want to drop it all and stop thinking about it for coupple of next years :(
You seem to forget that you should check several therapists before giving up. Either talk with the one you already saw about the problems you are faced, or consider checking up with another one. It's a bit too early to give up, methinks,...